Something old, Something new
by whereSilencebegins
Summary: seriously AU. No matter how many years they had been separated, their bond of friendship hasn't been severed. Instead, it has the potential to bloom into something even stronger...some shota  AllenxKanda
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: hello, my D. Gray-Man friends! Back with another one! (finally) I have been working on this fic for the last MONTH, trying to get it done so I can work on other things and...I just can't seem to finish it. So, I decided to post the PROlogue first to see what people think and maybe that will help get my ass in gear. Contrary to this tiny little teaser chapter, this story is MASSIVE. It was supposed to be a little one shot, perhaps no more that thirty, thirty-five pages...yeah, not so much. So far, its 78 frickin' pages and counting so I have to break it into parts. So. Here is the little teaser, I hope I all make you curious enough to come back and read the rest when it's posted! XD Thanks and enjoy! Don't forget to tell me what you all think!**

**Warnings:**** Mature content, slash sex, oral, some shota (as in, two young kids kissing) stubborn Kanda (big surprise) and probably OOC-ness (it's AU so I'm using that as an excuse. I did try, though XD) **

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Something Old, Something New:

It was just a picture, in a cheap, metal frame that would have to be replaced because it had been damaged in the last move, with frayed edges and a flat cast to the coloring that betrayed its age. Just a picture of two young boys, one with deep, dark hair and blue eyes and the other with shockingly white hair and pale, silver eyes. Both of their young faces glowed with joy, even though the boy with the dark hair did not smile and they were clearly good friends who loved to be in each other's company. The background was nothing special, just a yard and a swing set and a row of trees made perfect for climbing but that was not really the point of the photograph. Its focus was on the two boys who had their arms around each other and were looking into the camera like they had nowhere else in the world they would rather be than with each other.

Kanda frowned down at it for long moments while kneeling in front of the battered box he had been unpacking.

He had meant to throw the thing out. In fact, he was sure he had but every time he turned around, there it was, staring back at him and mocking him with its presence. Sometimes he thought he could fool himself into thinking he didn't give a shit about the picture; that he had simply forgotten to get rid of it and it wasn't still around because he wanted to keep it. Even so, the memories flooded him as they always did when he looked at the faces of the two boys, one of which had been himself when he was nine, making him grit his teeth in annoyance and something well up within his chest that he couldn't identify but which felt like a great pressure trying to squash him into dust.

He should throw it out. He knew he should and he even moved his hand to drop it into the pile of crumpled newspapers he had used to protect more of the fragile of his belongings that would be going into the dumpster when he was done, meaning to be rid of it once and for all.

Then he thought about the pale haired boy and he swallowed hard around a lump he would later deny had ever existed, hand clenching hard around the photo and further damaging the frame.

Somehow, it ended up back in the box to be put in the room he would be sleeping in when he finally finished unpacking.

Just like it always did.

Because after all these years, he had never learned how to let that one boy go…

**_To be continued..._**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: okay, so, this is part number one. Out of three. Can you guys believe this was supposed to be a oneshot! Hahaha, anyway, this story has been so difficult to write, I almost thought about not posting it at all but I've worked so hard on it that I couldn't bear to just throw it away. I sincerely apologize if the beginning is really choppy because it took FOREVER to get into the flow and even then I'm still not quite sure about it. When I started writing it, I had ten pages before I went back and deleted nearly the entire thing so I could start over. I've never done something like that before O.o So yeah, if you guys are having a hard time getting through it, please tell me and I'll go back and see what I can do...*cries* I tried! Surprisingly enough, it was Allen who refused to cooperate and Kanda who listened. Go figure. Well, I HOPE that you will all enjoy it and I'm just being picky and paranoid...Love for the reviews! Thanks to you all who asked me to continue! (And no, Allen's not dead! hahaha)

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Part 1:

_The first time he met the boy with the black hair and deep, brooding eyes was at the sandbox in the park. It had been a nice day, in the very beginning of May, new growth sprouting around them in a riot of rich greens. Manna had suggested they go to the park in town because it would be a shame to waste away inside. They had moved to that town only a few months before and six year old Allen had not had a chance to make friends but the thought of going to a park was both exciting and new, filled with possibility. So he had gone with a bright outlook, holding his adoptive father's hand as the man walked them the couple of blocks to the town park. _

_What he found there, in the cramped little sandbox under the wide, sweeping oak tree was more than he could ever have imagined. _

_He can still remember how amazing the park looked that day, the playground done up in all different colors that appealed to a child's mind, looking shiny and inviting. Manna had taken one look at his rapt, shining face and laughed, shooing the six year-old towards the beckoning playground. The swings moved gently in the soft breeze, mostly abandoned that day except for one boy with red hair that had seemed to be trying to see if he could get the swing to flip completely over the top bar. Allen had watched him with wide eyes, wondering if he would let the six year old join him but just when the other boy called out to him, offering to let him join, a group of other kids waved and told the red head to join them and the older boy went running off, only shooting one apologetic glance back over his shoulder. Allen had refused to be discouraged, though and simply turned away in search of other pursuits._

_There had been several small slides made from bright blue plastic that were scattered around the playground but it was the large slide near the jungle gym that caught his eye. It had been fun at first, whooshing down the metal slide, wind snagging at his hair and the thrill of shooting uncontrollably towards the ground making him giggle. Yet the joy of it only lasted a few turns before he realized with the all the innocent clarity that it would be so much more fun if he could find a friend to share it with. There had been several kids of all different ages there that day but they all seemed to have playmates or were like the red head and were just a bit too old for him to join them. Allen had wandered through the large, connecting tunnels that were raised from the ground for a while, fascinated with the rounded plastic roof over his head and the small port holes in the sides through which he could see Manna sitting on a bench under a large, shady tree, watching him play with a smile. Yet all the children he had thought might be willing to let him participate in their games merely smiled and turned away. _

_Back then he hadn't understood how the mark on his face had set him apart, couldn't figure out why all the kids his age were wary of such a difference in appearance; his marked left eye, his scarred arm and his silvery hair. It wasn't until he was a little older would he realize that his past always intruded upon the present, no matter where he went. _

_Then, though, he had been merely discouraged that no one was willing to talk to him, the shine of the playground losing its luster. All the other kids were there in groups, running and calling out to each other and making up games of pretend but there he was, standing on the wood chips by one of the small slides, watching them with wide, lonely eyes. All of a sudden he hadn't felt like being at the playground anymore and he had started over to tell Manna that, trying not to cry when he noticed the sandbox. _

_Or, rather, the boy occupying it. _

_It wasn't a particularly big sandbox, only able to fit three small children at the most or two bigger ones and the only toys littering its beige surface were only a couple of flimsy plastic shovels. The edges were made of old wood that looked like it hadn't been treated against the weather for some years and the sand itself looked clumpy, as if it had been wet recently. But none of that was what made him pause and stare before making a beeline for it. Instead he only had eyes for the dark haired boy sitting moodily on one of the wooden sides, his elbow propped on one knee as he drew swirling patterns with his toe in the sand. Allen couldn't say why he had been so drawn to this boy. Maybe it was his exotic looks, with the dark hair that shone nearly blue in the dappled sunlight spilling through the leaves of the wide tree and the slanted eyes, setting the boy apart just like his own looks did. Or perhaps it had been the lonely, brooding expression on his face, one that Allen recognized as one he wore secretly, inside his heart. Whatever it was, it made his small feet carry him under the shade of the great oak and stop at the edge of the sandbox, staring at his new find. _

"_Hello," he had blurted, his voice strong and sudden, making the dark haired boy look up in surprise. His eyes were such a dark blue even then they had arrested the younger boy, making him want to stare into them fascinated by that rich, deep color. Nervous, Allen had hidden his hands behind his back and peered at the other boy through the pale strands of his hair, hoping that he wouldn't get rejected by such a pretty person. He wanted the strange boy to like him as a friend, more than he had any of the others and he had held his breath as he waited for a response. Finally the blue gaze narrowed and a pouty frown had appeared on the dark haired boy's face._

"_What do you want?" he had asked, voice gruff and Allen had flinched at the sharp tone, realizing that yet again he was about to get pushed away, discarded like every other time. He had ducked his head, hiding his disappointment away behind his hair and answered in a small voice. _

"_I was hoping you would be my friend," he'd said, shuffling his scuffed sneakers and not daring to look up at the other boy because he wasn't sure if he had made him mad or not. Maybe it was because he hadn't used his manners like his father kept trying to teach him? So he lifted his head and smiled, sticking his scarred hand out in greeting. It was an unconscious thing to do, using that hand for everything and he had scared off more than one person that way. But before he could realize his mistake, the deep eyes flickered over him, cool and assessing and the boy didn't run. In fact, he didn't even look disgusted and as he introduced himself, he hoped that was a good sign, "I'm Allen Walker," The other boy stared at him a moment longer before looking away, frown deepening. He didn't move to take Allen's hand. _

"_Why do you want to be friends with me?" the older boy had asked, arms crossing defensively over his chest and the pale haired boy finally let his hand and his smile drop, uncertainty making his nose and the mark bisecting his eye wrinkle. It was a confusing question, at least for his six year old mind and he had pondered it seriously before coming up with nothing more than a strange desire to be with this boy, to maybe see the lonely look be wiped away from his face. _

"_Because I like you. You're like me," and that was all the explanation he could come up with. It was simple and the truth and the other boy had looked at him with a bewildered expression on his face that melted quickly into icy distain. _

"_You don't even know me," the dark haired by had snapped, arms like a shield before his chest as if it would protect him from some unseen enemy, "How could you like me or know anything about me if we've just met? Maybe I don't want to be your friend!" The words had cut deeper than they ever had before and Allen could remember standing there, feeling like the very breeze would cut at the wound the dark haired boy inflicted, trying his very hardest not to cry. He had bitten his bottom lip, clenching his small hands into fists before looking back at his feet as if the tops of his sneakers could give him some condolence. _

"_Oh," he'd finally whispered, too young to realize how sad he had let the boy see him, "I'm sorry," and he'd turned to walk away, thinking that Manna would hug him and give him a lollipop and make him feel a little better. He couldn't remember anymore why he wanted to be that boy's friend so badly and thought he might have been so hurt because he had held out such hope, more than he had for anyone else. Yet before he could make it more than two steps, he had heard a soft sigh from behind him and then he was being called back. _

"_Oi, wait! Hang on!" confused, Allen had turned, not even daring to hope, and found the dark haired boy sitting rim-rod straight and looking as if he was struggling with something. Finally he had closed his eyes and held out a shovel, offering it to the younger boy, "I…was going to make a sandcastle but I…can't really do it on my own. So…help me," it was abrupt and rather rude but all he had cared about was that he was being given a chance and nothing could have made him happier. He could remember the older boy's blush when he laughed and took the shovel, cradling it to his chest like it was the finest treasure he could ever have been given. _

_That day, he and the boy with the slanted eyes, whose name he learned was Kanda Yu, played in that small sandbox for long hours, making a rather impressive sandcastle, or at least impressive in his six year old mind and forming a swift, strong bond. Even now, when he walked by that sandbox, he thought he could hear his own joyful laughter ringing in the air, clear and pure._

_The day he and Kanda became friends was the day he fell in love, though he would not understand what it meant for a long time to come…_

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The warm, golden morning sun poured through the windows and into the large, spacious room at the top of the house, greeting him as he turned his head on the pillow. Everything was still really quiet, which meant it was probably quite early and he luxuriated against the cool sheets for a while, watching a soft breeze stirring the leaves of the large tree in front of one of the windows. It was a different tree than the one that stood outside his own window at home and he couldn't help but feel just a little homesick. It was so different here that even after the second day he wasn't really used to it. Not different in a bad way, of course but it was still unfamiliar.

For the twelve years he had been living in the small town of West Earl, this was his first time leaving it to go on an overnight trip.

He actually wasn't supposed to have gone at all. A girl he went to school with had invited several friends to go down to the shore house her brother owned the day after their senior prom and at the last second one of the girls she had invited had been unable to go. Road was a strange girl who Allen only really knew through Lenalee but she had come up to him the morning before the dace and stated that he would be coming whether he had plans already or not. The dark haired girl had always intimidated him a little bit and despite the fact that he had been somewhat reluctant, he was dragged along anyway.

He and Lenalee hadn't become friends until junior year of high school because he was reclusive and she tended to be a little shy. The dark haired girl had approached him with a timid smile and had asked as politely as he had ever heard if he would like to go out with her. The inquiry had shocked him speechless for a good five minutes because the only thing he knew about her was that she was in his gym and history glass and she was very smart. Yes, she was pretty but her long black hair reminded him of someone else and he had already accepted he would never be attracted to girls. So he had smiled with all of the sweetness he could muster and told her the truth.

"I'm sorry. I'm afraid I can't," what he had not been expecting was for her to breathe out a sigh of relief and grin brightly at him, as of his refusal was what she had been hoping for.

"Oh, good. It was actually my friends who said I should ask you out," he had been hurt for a minute before she had taken his hands and looked at him with such an earnest expression, he couldn't even dislike her, "What I really wanted to ask was if you wanted to come over and eat with us?" confused, he had opened his mouth before he found his voice, gaping at her like an idiot. The only friends he had made were out of school at that point and he was used to floating through his classes alone.

"Um, why didn't you just ask me that first?" he'd asked and she had laughed, her pigtails bouncing.

"Because I was hoping that it would give me a chance to get closer to you. You're not an easy person to approach, you know?" he had blinked at her then and allowed her to drag him over to where the rest of her friends were sitting, smiling when he was introduced. Her logic hadn't made any sense to him then but it had indeed broken the ice so efficiently that they became very close friends by the end of the year. She was the first female friend he'd ever had but with her came Road and Miranda, though he knew the latter a little better. Road was petite and slender, with huge eyes and a sharp tongue while Miranda was her complete opposite, tall and thin and extremely timid. But he liked all of them and was always glad Lenalee had finally worked up the courage to talk to him.

The girls had sat with him in the back of the SUV on the way down to the Cape, a soft counter point to the twin brothers who sat in the seat in front of them. David was dark haired and dark eyed where Jasdero was blond and pale but both of them were borderline insane; which was probably why everyone liked them so much. They wore too much makeup and too little clothes and had a perchance for mischief and, for some reason, had accepted Allen with not even a single question. Maybe it was because he looked as bizarre as they did or had participated in a few of their shadier pranks but either way, he enjoyed their company. They made the four hour trip exciting and unpredictable, even when Tykki, Road's older brother, threatened to pull the car over if they didn't knock it off. He had thought, as he watched Road leaning over the seat and hitting David with a small pillow while Jasdero dangled one of her shoes just out of her reach while everyone else laughed, that while they weren't who he had once wanted to share such an experience with, they were still his friends and he was glad for their company. It was better, after all, then having no one at all.

Everyone was silent, though, when they finally made it to their destination.

As soon as they drove over the little bridge and onto the island where the house was located, he was infinitely glad he had allowed himself to be muscled into it. The Cape was a good sized island that hugged the main land like it was afraid it would sink into the ocean if it ventured too far out and it was the most fascinating place the pale haired teen had ever seen. They had been greeted with the sight of hundreds of small fishing vessels bobbing alongside their docks, their tall masts a riot of stark lines against the grey swells of the bay. The air was an exciting mix of fresh fish and brine, the scent stirring something within him he had never known existed before. He was fascinated by the way the green grass swayed on the dunes that surrounded the sly inlets of water, acting like guiding paths for the fishing boats as they went out to sea or scurried back in from the waves.

Upon the Cape itself was a strange mix of domestic and wild; the places humans had touched and the preserved land that they could only wander through and admire but not leave their mark upon. Though he hadn't seen much of the nature preserves, the impression he had gotten was of tough little trees and lots of tall, thin, dry grass that sounded like snakes speaking softly to each other when the wind blew through them. All different kinds of birds flickered through the crooked branches and his heart had swelled with the freedom such a place offered.

The other half of the island was all residential and it was driving through the rows of houses one more beautiful than then next that he was captured. Every single one was large and welcoming, their colors bright, often garish and sporting porches that wrapped around at least the first level, many time two and in some cases even the third floor had spacious balconies. Each house presented a different face, unique in their regal beauty and he thought he could walk among them for years and never get tired of looking at them. As they were driving, Road had told them how the houses here had mostly fallen into disrepair twenty years ago before the residents here brought the Cape back to its original beauty by restoring them. Once she brought attention to it, he did notice a few houses that looked sad and abandoned among the general splendor of their neighbors but those were few and far between. And he couldn't get over how much there was too see, from the plentiful, spilling gardens, the scrolling woodwork and the people who watched them drive by with open, friendly faces. That isn't to say that in their town everyone was _un_friendly but there was just something about the warm, soothing atmosphere here that put everyone at ease.

The driveway they pulled into wasn't big but it was paved with red brick and sat beside what had to be one of the most magnificent houses on the island. He knew that Road's brother, Tykki, made a lot of money as a businessman but he hadn't realized just how rich they really were. Allen wasn't the only one who needed to pick their jaw up from the ground when he stepped from the SUV. The house was three stories, each one with its own balcony, the colors a rich, dark blue, a lighter, greenish blue and a creamy white for the abundant, scrolling trim. Dark furniture filled the balconies, making them friendly and encouraging people to use them. There was a rounded tower room that was attached to the side of the house, reminding him of a turret on a castle and it merely added to the house's charm.

The inside was even more impressive, if that was even possible, with big open rooms on the first floor that had tall, sweeping ceilings and light walls and furnishings to make the spaces feel even bigger. The windows were huge, covered only by light, gauzy curtains and rich sunlight spilled into the rooms, all of which opened generously into one another. They had burst into the house, lead by Road who was eager to show off for her friends and then stood around gaping because it seemed impossible that they were even standing inside. Lenalee had sighed like someone love-struck, her eyes big and bright.

"Have you ever seen a place like this before, Allen?" she had asked in a breathless voice as they slowly walked through the wide, open front room then the living room before ending up in the kitchen in which stood a table big enough to seat twenty people. Road had already dashed up the narrow stairs to show the others who had come with them the bedrooms and her brother stood in the kitchen doorway, leaning against the doorjamb and surveying Allen and Lenalee's awe with some amusement.

"I'm glad it meets to your approval," he'd said, his dark hair falling into his eyes and his commanding voice soft, "You would never believe the condition it was in when I first bought it three years ago. It had to be practically gutted," there was a quiet, pleased pride tucked away in his words as he spoke and Allen realized just how much the man loved the house. Though he didn't know the older man very well, respect and a little bit of admiration bloomed within the pale haired teen then. If someone could love a place such as this with such shining passion, then that could only mean they had a good heart. He'd smiled at Road's older brother and wasn't as surprised as he might have been when it was returned.

"It is beautiful, Mr. Noah. Thank you again for allowing us to come here," the dark haired man had simply waved his hand at the teen, dismissing his formality.

"Please just call me Tykki. I hope your stay is enjoyable," just then Lavi, two years older than the rest of them and only present because he was dating Tykki, had stomped down the stairs, his single visible eye shining and a crooked grin lighting up his face. The dark haired man waved Allen and Lenalee towards the stairs, "go ahead and pick out your rooms," and they had done so, climbing up the stairs to meet up with Road as she showed everyone around.

The second floor had four bedrooms, each of them a decent size and furnished tastefully. The biggest one belonged to Tykki, whom he would be sharing with Lavi and the one in the back was Road's. The other two would be taken by the twins, David and Jasdero while Lenalee and Miranda would take the other. That left the third floor all to Allen and he had climbed the stairs with some trepidation, wondering if he had just gotten the raw end of the deal. The stairs had been steep and a little unfriendly but once he reached the top, his face split into a wide grin.

Clearly this was the best room in the entire house.

There was a decent sized bathroom right at the head of the steps, all done in gray and blue tiles with light blue walls and white appliances. The shower was the biggest he had ever seen and it was lined entirely with tile that looked like stone. The rest of the attic, however, was one wide open space, all in different color blues that reminded him of all the shades the sky could possibly be. Two beds sat along one wall and across from it was a large window with a wide window seat. Another, smaller window was tucked into the wall beside the beds, a contrast to the rest of the ceilings that sloped down lower than his waist level. It was such an open, airy room and he loved it immediately, glad that he could have it all to himself. And from all the windows the sunlight seeped in, inviting him to put his things down and stay a while.

All in all, it was a beautiful place and he found himself relaxing into the peaceful flow that filled the air. Here it was quiet and slow, where the oppressive weight of his guardian's presence wasn't pushing on the back of his mind and where he was able to forget reality for a little while. Here he could wallow in the bed he had chosen, staring at the way the steady, ever present breeze teased the leaves of the trees outside the window and not have to worry about debts or working or the loneliness that had seeped back into his life no matter how he tried to battle against its oppressive pall. Yes he had his friends and his guardian but in his heart the darkness ate away at him, silent and unseen. Here, though, in this place so far from everything that was familiar, he could forget for a while that he longed for something else, something without a name but which hounded him until he lay awake some nights, casing it's elusive identity around in his head.

Allen turned onto his side and stared at the smooth sheets next to his nose, breathing in the scent of laundry detergent and fabric softener, hugging one of the many pillows to his chest. He didn't know why it felt so different coming here, why the darkness that lurked in the back of his mind seemed strangely absent. He was still the same person after all and still carried all the same cares and worries; the fact that they were miles away from home couldn't change that. After all, he was only here for five days and would be going back to the same place to pick up where he had left off. Still, there was just something about the Cape, the atmosphere or the change in location that made him feel like there was something waiting for him, lurking around the corner. Like something was about to change, something monumental.

Suddenly restless, he flipped to his other side and sighed, picking at the covers with a hand that was scarred and then tattooed over to hide the deformity. There was something he felt like he needed to do, hanging over his head like going to work did or a chore that he had yet to complete but what could that be, since this was the first time he had been here and it was not his house? He could hear someone moving around downstairs and the twins were making some kind of racket that usually involved the accumulation of one of their pranks but he knew the strange feeling had nothing to do with anyone there. Just as he was about to flip onto his back to consult the ceiling some more, there was a commotion by the stairs and Lavi was yelling up to him.

"Allen! Get the hell out of bed! There's pancakes!" the shout was promptly followed by a sudden thump then a crash before the red head was fairly blistering the paint off the walls as he cursed while the twins howled from somewhere on the first floor. Allen snorted his amusement into the pillow, glad that Lavi had tripped instead of himself and then huffed when his stomach rumbled loudly.

He actually really liked the energetic red head, having been friends with him since grammar school but because the other boy was several years older, they didn't really run in the same circles and thus he didn't get much time to spend with Lavi. He actually saw more of the older boy now that Lavi was going out with Tykki than he did before. The twins were Road's friends more than they were his but they certainly were very lively and never discriminated when they picked their next subject for their numerous and rather creative practical jokes. Between Lavi and David and Jasdero, things always had the potential to get a little out of hand.

Realizing that continuing to wallow in bed would probably prove to be rather fruitless, he untangled himself from the clinging sheets and wandered into the bathroom, scrubbing one had through his hair. Already the buttery, warm scent of cooking pancakes had meandered up the stairwell and his stomach rumbled loudly again, reminding him that last night's dinner had actually been a very long time ago and it would like to be fed again please. So he rushed through the process of dragging his toothbrush over his teeth and washed his face, throwing clothes on before practically tripping down the stairs. And the faster he did it, the less he had to look in the mirror.

If he didn't look at his reflection, he didn't have to see himself and then he wouldn't have to think about the mark on his face or the scars on his arm that he'd had tattooed over so that people's eyes would look at the heavy black ink rather than the silvery deformities.

Or think about how he had gotten them.

He did, however, pause on his way out of the bathroom, now dressed in a pair of plaid shorts and a plain white t-shirt and peer out the window to the row of houses across the street and thick, shady trees beyond it. _It's beautiful, here, Manna. I wish you could have seen it. _But Manna never could see it, not anymore.

Or maybe he saw it all, from his place in the afterlife.

It was just an accident, a thing that happened on a daily basis but he had never thought could happen to them. Back then he had still been too young and too naive, dreaming and wishing for life to offer him something more. He hadn't understood that every time he dared to hope that he might someday see his dreams become true, the delusions turned out to be made of wispy smoke and were always snatched from his grasping hands.

When he was young, his room had been filled with cutout articles and pictures of all the places he wanted to visit with Manna. He could still remember them, a menagerie of paper, all different shades and textures marching haphazardly over the walls, looking like some paper-beast had shed its skin. Every place imaginable found it way there; the cliffs in Kerry and the pyramids in Egypt, the palaces in Saudi Arabia and the jungles in India. The art in Florence and the mountains in Switzerland and even the rice fields in China. He'd wanted to see it all and every new place he discovered in magazines or on the television, he made a new spot for it on one of his walls and added it to the list of places they would go when he was a little older and they had a little more money. With every new dream, Manna would smile kindly and add each location to the list he kept on the wall in the kitchen, written in bold black marker that could never be erased. And each time he would look at Allen and say,

"I would be honored to go anywhere, as long as it is with you," The words would make the young boy's heart so happy, he would eagerly search for the next place and dream of all the ones he already knew about. They had been close then, as any father and son could be and in his foolish, young heart he had believed that they would be together forever. Now he thinks that he should have known but he had been so young and so much had happened to him that he had thought the worst parts of his life were over. He had been stuck in the darkness, branded as a slave, had his family taken away and then the first person after Manna he had ever loved snatched his heart and disappeared. It was more than any seven year old should ever have suffered through but his heart would be shattered once more.

The day that Manna died was the day Allen stopped dreaming.

The events of that day he could remember with such clarity it was as if they had been branded into the back of his retinas with smoldering fire. It was a month before his eighth birthday and they were planning on visiting one of the places on their "must visit" list. Allen could still remember how excited he was, even though they were only taking an extended weekend up to Niagara Falls. Pamphlets and other information packets had been littering the kitchen table for months and he would leaf through them again and again when he came home from school every day, long after he had them all memorized. It was the pictures that mostly held him in thrall, images of the huge, arching falls that surely shook the ground as the water plunged towards the ground. He would imagine what it would feel like to stand beside such a monstrous and incredible force of nature and something would well up inside of him like a storm, ready to burst forth in a flurry of excitement.

But they would never get to go on that trip. Thirty-one days, three hours and sixteen minutes before they were supposed to depart (because he had been counting) found him being pulled out of math class where he had been doodling figures of himself and Manna standing next to a giant waterfall on the side of his notebook. Everyone had stared at him when the principle herself stepped into the room and asked the teacher if she could please send Allen to the office with all of his things. Confused and embarrassed with all the attention he had been receiving, he had gathered his knapsack together with all of the things he would need and rushed from the room. They had been waiting for him when he had stepped into the school's main office, two police officers who looked especially large stood beside the front desk, together with the principle, speaking in soft voices that waned away when they noticed him standing nervously in the door way. He wonders now sometimes what they saw when they had looked at him, a small boy of only seven with a shock of bone white hair, a blood red tattoo branding his eye and scars deforming his one hand because the pity had been so stark in their eyes that he could almost feel it touching upon his skin like slime.

He hadn't realized at that moment that what they were seeing was a small boy with a past that was already riddled with darkness whom had just lost his only family.

The younger of the two cops, a tall man with dark hair and deep lines already forming around his eyes had knelt down in front of the pale haired boy, face kind but lips pulled down, as if he would have preferred being anywhere else but there in that school about to tell Allen about the tragedy that had just befallen him. The man's voice was soft and gentle but there was no kind way to tell someone their father, adoptive or not, had just been killed. No matter how it happens or why or who the person was, it surely must be the hardest job in the world to do.

"Son, I'm really sorry but your father was killed this morning on his way to work. The driver in the other lane was drunk and cross the line. The ambulance got there quickly but there was nothing they could do. I really am very sorry," and he really might have been too but Allen couldn't bring himself to notice any of that. The words had struck him like a blow to the gut, stealing away his air and leaving him awash in a numbing cocoon. At first he thought that it must be a mistake. Manna had promised, the day he had pulled the young boy of five out of a flaming basement that he would always be Allen's side, no matter what and he knew that his father never, ever broke a promise. So it could only make sense that it had to be a mistake because if Manna was dead, that meant he had gone back on his word. Even as he allowed the principle to give him a gentle hug before one of the police officers grasped his hand and led him from the school, he held on to the rationality that someone somewhere along the way must have messed up somehow because Manna would never leave him after he said he wouldn't.

In the shroud of unfeeling surrealism that descended upon him, he allowed himself to be lead along and refused to believe anything until he saw for himself his father's unmoving body for himself. He couldn't acknowledge the pity and distant compassion in the eyes of the people he met, all of them treating him like he was made from glass that would shatter if they moved too suddenly or said a potentially sharp word in his presence. They thought that if they treated him like some fragile butterfly that would get swept away by life's cruel tides he might not feel his pain so sharply. He hated them for it and he had wanted to tell them to stop it, that their pity was unwanted but he was only a child and all adults must know better.

How could they know the pain of losing an entire family before he could remember, being sold into slavery at the tender age of four and then nearly dying in a fire at the age of six that destroyed the place where he was kept only to have the man who rescued him from the flames die a year later? How could they understand what it's like to lose everything twice? How could they know what it's like to be branded as someone different and then have no one on their side at all to protect them from the stares and the ridicule and the loneliness? They would never understand that all he wanted to do was run out into the rain and stand there, letting it wash away his agony while he screamed his throat raw. He wanted to rage and cry and shatter from the unfairness of it all but when they took him to the morgue, there was nothing but cold loss weighing down his chest until he could barely breathe.

Just a stupid, simple accident, another driver entering the lane Manna was in and stealing his life away. The only father Allen had ever known and as the small boy with the pale hair and broken heart stared down at the still features that should have been so familiar but were alien due to lack of life, he couldn't even find it in himself to cry. Ice filled his heart and his voice shriveled up in his throat until the adults that found themselves shackled with a young boy of seven him flapped around him in concern. Their useless squawking faded into the background and as he was driven back to the police station and seated in the outdated waiting room upon a cracked, worn leather chair, all he could see in his mind was Manna's cold face. That beloved face, reduced to nothing but a mound of disintegrating flesh; that used to smile so kindly at him, that used to laugh and frown and fill with such love it would warm Allen's little heart would forever be lost.

In those first few horrible, bleak hours, he was like a blank sheet of ice, staring ahead of himself with not a whit of feeling or expression passing across his small face. In fact, he was sure he would still be like that, still lost in his own grief, becoming nothing more than an empty husk and growing into someone with half a soul, if it hadn't been for Cross Marian.

Because Allen had been adopted and now no longer had any family who could take him, the state needed to get involved so that he could be given a foster home until he was adopted again, if he ever was. The thought might have been terrifying because going into foster care meant never having a true home or a true family ever again but all of that had been taken from him already and he just couldn't bring himself to care anymore. The boy that he had thought he would be with forever had been in foster care and had disappeared one day without a trace. Allen had found himself wishing as he sat upon the old upholstery that he could be sent to where Kanda was. Maybe one love would help assuage the loss of another. But that was just a wild fantasy of a grieving boy's mind and it could never become true.

If the tall, red headed man had not stepped into the police station, cigarette smoke hanging around his head like a cloud and his single visible eye gleaming in the artificial light, Allen knows he would have been lost forever. That day, though, he was not meant to lose himself. The older man had taken one look at him, sitting there like a shattered husk and stepped up to the desk to demand information about him. His voice had been loud and strident, his tone indicating that he was used to getting what he wanted and the secretary behind the main desk caved, her eyes wide as she told the man about Allen's plight. The red head had taken one last drag from his cigarette as he listened to her, his eye trained on the small boy staring straight ahead on the worn chair and then simply strode over and knelt on the ground beside Allen's feet. The movement had startled him out of his icy stupor and he had found himself looking into a sharply handsome face that was half hidden by a strange looking mask. The older man had studied him for a moment, his presence so large that the young boy couldn't find it within himself to look away before he crooked a lopsided smile.

"Self pity is for cowards and those who had nothing left to live for. You do not look like either one of those so knock it off," the words had been so jarring that he hadn't even been able get angry. Instead he had blinked at the older man with his mouth open before realizing that it had been mostly said just to get some kind of reaction from him. The red head had winked then stood up, addressing the entire room as he laid a heavy hand upon the seven year old's shoulder, "Since this boy has no family I have decided that I will take him with me," a stunned silence had followed before one of the officers that had been handling the case spluttered a protest.

"Sir, we cannot possibly allow that! It's against the law! Paperwork needs to be filled out and—" that was the day that Allen learned Cross Marian could be not only abrupt, strange and a little rude, but also rather frightening. He had not shifted a muscle but all at once his presence was towering, filling the entire room and making Allen feel like he had just been engulfed by a shadowy eclipse.

"Call the agency. Have them draw up the adoption papers. I will wait," and he plunked himself down in the chair beside Allen's, looking as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened. After that the young boy could not seem to stop staring at the red haired man, wondering why a stranger was so insistent about adopting him. Yet at the same time he had been grateful. The man wasn't Manna and he could never take his father's place but he was _someone_. Someone that was willing to give Allen a place for whatever reason and he was grateful that he was not going to be left behind or forgotten.

And Cross did wait, sitting in that chair like he owned the entire town and speaking to Allen every once and a while like the boy was an equal rather than a scared, grief-stricken seven year old. He wasn't kind. In all the years the pale haired boy knew him, never once could the word kind be used in reference to Cross Marian but his gruff mannerisms probably worked better than any gentleness would have in pulling Allen slowly from the brink of bitter, blackened despair. Because of his unrelenting insistence, they were able to contact the state agency and procure a child services agent that drew up the papers with little hesitance when they heard about the young boy who had lost everything. They did ask Allen if he was okay with going home with Cross and he had looked at the older man, reclining in that worn chair, smoking a cigarette and looking completely unconcerned with everything. They didn't know each other but he hadn't known Manna very well in the beginning either. It didn't matter anyway, as he wouldn't know the next set of foster parents he would be sent to. The older man with the long red hair gazed calmly at him from under the wide brimmed hat he wore, intelligence burning in his gaze and the boy felt he could trust him. But most of all, he didn't want to disappear.

"Yes," he had whispered, voice small from not being used all day, "I'll go," and that was that. It took a full week and a half to get the papers in and signed, during which he had stayed with Cross who gave him not a moment where he was allowed to feel sorry for himself. It wasn't Manna and it could never feel like home but it was better than being lost in the system and being taken far from the town he had lived in for nearly two years.

Allen understood now the enormity of what Cross had give him. Though he might have lost sight of his dreams, abandoned by the wayside after losing so much already, he still had a life. It was a good one, a solid one, normal almost to a fault and he was grateful for it. He had left all the articles and pictures of places he wanted to travel to in the house he had lived in with Manna the day he went back to get his things but he still went to school, still did his homework, still played soccer and then baseball and still wandered to the park on clear days to sit in an old, mostly forgotten sandbox to stare through the leaves at the clouds scuttling across the sky. He no longer dreamed of places he would probably never see and he didn't ponder all of the cool and wonderful things he could do when he got older but he made a few friends who didn't think his hair color or his scars were strange and he found that he was good at art and English and loved history class. There were no adventures he conjured up in his mind that he could go on, either by himself or with his friends but as he got older, he would hang out at the basketball court in the park and then, even later, go to work at the local inn where he stood behind the desk and checked in the odd guest that wandered into their town. The love for books he had been shown by a boy with deep blue eyes was squashed and instead he wandered around with his sketchbook, doodling and scratching out anything that might catch his attention. Instead of sharing stories and ideas, Cross taught him how to play poker and chess and how to shoot a gun. It was him, of a sort and that was fine. He didn't need to wish for something more to live.

Sometimes, when he wasn't careful, he would think about what it would be like if things hadn't gone so wrong. Would he have been able to see all those places with Manna like they said they would instead of remaining in his small little country town, going to school and working off his guardian's insane debts? Would he and Kanda have finished all of the books in the library of the house the other boy had lived in instead of drawing other worlds and characters on the pages of his notebooks when the need to dream spilled over and leaked out through the end of his pen? Would he have smiled with the carefree grace all of his friends did instead of acquiring one made of plaster and pebbles? Then he would catch himself and remember that he was not that person and never would be and it hurt less a little more each time he turned away. The boy that he was no longer existed, had broken when his only true friend left without saying goodbye and had died in the car beside the only man he had ever thought of as his father. What was left was just the broken pieces and he had decided a long time ago that it would have to be good enough.

Besides, Cross was a good man even if he tended to get himself into money trouble and expected Allen to pay off the bills and it was okay that his friends believed his concealing smiles because it was only his fault he never let them see who he really was. He was going to graduate in a couple of weeks from high school and then go on to the local college to get his Associates in Fine Art. It was a life and if he walked through like he was simply passing by then no one needed to know. He could _live_ even if he wasn't happy.

Allen paused on the second floor of the large beach house and stared down the brightly lit hall out the window at the end, his hand gripping the fabric of his t-shirt over his heart. Just because he had stopped dreaming those many years ago didn't mean he couldn't _feel_ anything and now his heart throbbed mercilessly. It was a familiar sensation, one he fought off many times before and most of the time he ignored it because it usually went away after a while. But there was something else, something different here that he had not ever felt before. Something was about to change, the strange sensation shifting through the air like a magnetic storm and it played off the ache in his chest and turned it into longing. No matter how he tried, it would not go away and could not be ignored. He stood in the hallway, frowning and listening to his friends in the kitchen below his feet, head cocked like he was trying to catch a faint sound in the distance. It was anticipation and restlessness and a little bit of fear and for a moment he wondered why these things were making him feel so much different than normal. Then he realized.

Yes, he might have been _living. _But before now, ever since he was seven, he had never felt _alive._

Shaken, he gulped a few deep breaths of cool air and bolted down the steps, hoping that the presence of his friends would bring back the aching deadness and sweep away this electricity that bubbled under his skin. He didn't want it to come back; bad things happened when he felt like this. Longing led to hope and hope led to dreaming and that was something he had given up forever.

So as he stepped into the kitchen, he made sure his smile was in place, the plaster around it a little more cracked than normal but it still held up under the pressure and for a little bit, everything righted itself again.

That in itself, however, was a twisted kind of hope and even as he slipped effortlessly into his place among the people around the table he called his friends and dove for the huge plate of fluffy, golden pancakes, the shifting, restive knowledge that his life was about to take a swift turn never really went away.

*0*0*0*

_He could still remember how the stupid nickname came about. _

_It had been raining out that day, the drops fat and icy, making the ground dark and slick and streaking down the windows like long, flat fingers. He had lived with an older couple in the town of West Earl for about two years by that point but it was the first time he could ever remember having someone to spend the long summer days with. As a matter of fact, Kanda didn't make friends. Because his life had always been hectic and unpredictable, he made a point _not _to get attached to anyone because he never knew when he had to leave them behind again. Something about the young boy with the pale hair, the strange facial marking and the painfully sweet smile had captured him though and that summer he had been almost been convinced that they might just be together for a long time. _

_That was not to happen, of course. As a foster kid owned by the state, he was forced to move around so much he had forgotten at a very early age what having a true home felt like. But that summer he'd had a friend, his first and last and every day he wished he hadn't been made to move on. If that summer he had spent in blissful unconcern for reality had lasted forever, he would not have minded. Though he had learned to be accepting about his situation, leaving that sleepy little town had been the hardest thing he had ever had to do. _

_The relationship he'd had with Allen was a strange one. Though they both knew on some level that they treasured the affection they held for each other, Kanda had never been a very patient or kind person and Allen had been somewhat volatile. It made for an interesting dynamic between the two young boys, always interesting and changing and while from an outsiders perspective they might see a couple of children always at each other's throats, there had been a certain affection between them that slipped out between the snarky insults and whining complaints. And when they weren't being like that it was the best of all and no one needed to witness it for it to be real. _

_The library in the old house that Kanda lived in at the time was their favorite haunt when the weather was too temperamental for them to venture out into. He liked it because books had always been a safe haven for him, an escape when the place he was staying in became too much or the people treated him like something dug up from the garbage. They didn't try to hurt him or yell at him and they didn't ignore him. They gave him a place where he could be safe from the realities of the world and he fairly consumed books, the feat made easier as he had taught himself to read at a very young age. The first time he had shown the warm, cozy library to the six year old Allen, the boy had been enthralled, going from one title to the next and ruffling through pages of books he couldn't understand. The older boy had watched him with some satisfaction, feeling foolishly happy that the pale haired boy was so enthusiastic about something Kanda liked so much but had been disappointed to learn that Allen was not a great reader. _

_That didn't stop Allen though. That very first day in the library, he kept going back to a small book with a painted dragon on the cover, lovingly turning pages that he could only read one word in five on. By then Kanda had sat down at the end of the aisle, already pouring over a hard cover copy of the _Hobbit_ and had not noticed the other boy's struggle until he knelt in front of the dark haired boy and held out the book. His silvery eyes had been huge and pleading when Kanda glanced up with an annoyed remark on his lips and he had felt his heart melt. _

"_Can you read this to me?" Allen had asked and there was no way nine year old Kanda could refuse. After that it had become something of a tradition, one they enjoyed so much that even on sunny days they could sometimes be found in a brightly lit corner of the library, the boy with pale hair leaning against Kanda as he read from one book or another. Allen eye's would go dreamy as they traversed the pages of many books together and later the dark haired boy would admit to himself that he agreed to it as much as he did just for that expression. He supposed they were both lucky that the couple he was staying with were very kind and allowed them to do as they wished because in most foster homes he was often fortunate to get fed three meals a day. Not all of them were bad, of course but this one would stand out in his memory as the best, although he was positive that might have had something to do with Allen. _

_It was the middle of June and the chilling storm had rolled in like a fierce wave or like a thousand black knights riding to battle, thunderous and huge. The dark clouds and stinging rains had swept in and forced the two boys into the house lest they be swept away and they had found their way inevitably back to the tall, silent books. _

"_I get to pick the book this time!" Allen had cried, racing into the room and flinging himself between the shelves. Kanda had followed at a slower pace, fiddling with his long hair that had gotten soggy despite their hast into the house and grimacing at the way it dripped down the back of his neck. Only Mr. Fields, the husband of the couple who was caring for him was home and he been the one to greet them at the door with towels and lemonade before shooing them into the library with a warm smile. Unfortunately for Kanda towels could only do so much and his long hair was beginning to soak the back of his shirt. _

"_You picked it last time, dummy," he had groused, pulling on the ends of his hair to get the water to stop dripping all over the place before wandering through the shelves to find where Allen had disappeared to. It was a large room, the biggest in the house, the walls completely lined with solid, oak shelves and then with more shelves running in three rows through the middle of the room. Every available space was crammed with all kinds of books, informative and otherwise, the covers all types, colorful, bland, leather, paper, hard or soft. The air was filled with the rich, musky scent of them and the atmosphere was inviting and warm. There was a fireplace in the back of the room that was encircled with a very comfortable couch and several deep armchairs. All in all it was a very relaxing place to be and he found himself thinking, not for the first time, that he would like it if he could eventually call this place home. _

_It was near the back that he found the other boy, holding onto a shelf above his head and straining on his toes while trying to reach a book that was clearly out of his reach. For a moment he had stood at the end of the row and watched how the pale face was set in concentration and little white teeth bit in to his plump lower lip. Kanda had thought Allen was adorable the moment he met him but sometimes he found himself caught and unable to move while he stared. It wasn't physical desire or lust. Not then. They had both been much too young but there was something there, something he'd not felt with anyone else before and that day had been the first time he acknowledged it. It was like a bright possession, a need to keep this boy safe and happy and always with ready with a smile. He didn't want to see Allen get hurt because that would hurt himself as well, though he couldn't figure out why. All he knew was that he wanted to be close to the pale haired boy for whatever reason. _

"_We have a ladder for that, moyashi," he wasn't sure why he had chosen that nickname in particular. He didn't usually speak Japanese in front of other people because it had gotten him beaten on more than one occasion but it was his first language and for some reason the insult had just come out that way. Allen had looked at him in surprise, wide cerulean eyes blinking before he dropped down to his heels and huffed. _

"_I know but it's too heavy for me to move," he had retorted, small face scrunched up in annoyance before he wrinkled his nose further and tipped his head to the side, pale hair sliding into his eyes, "and what is…moy-ah-shee?" the foreign word dropped and shattered off the younger boy's tongue and Kanda winced to hear it. He had rolled his eyes and stepped forward, snatching the book Allen had been reaching for off the shelf and handing it to him with a small scowl. _

"_Moyashi," he corrected gently, "It's Japanese for bean-sprout," the other boy had continued to blink at him, cradling the book in his arms and then he had tilted his head to the other side, gaze questioning. Kanda remembers watching him with some fascination, thinking the younger boy really was incredibly cute. _

"_You mean, like a plant? Why would you call me that?" the older boy rolled his eyes again and snatched the book from Allen's grip before leading the way over to the couch, which was where they usually sat while reading together. The younger boy was getting better at recognizing tougher words by himself, aided by reading along with Kanda over his shoulder but it was still a halting and slow process. Not that the dark haired boy really minded. In fact, he quite enjoyed Allen's attention. He wouldn't admit as much, out loud, of course, but it was safe locked away in his own head._

"_Because a bean sprout is small, just like you," he had explained as they settled themselves onto the soft cushions and earned himself a bright glare from under pale, drawn eyebrows. _

"_I'm not that small!" Allen had argued, his arms crossed defiantly over his chest, " just because I'm littler than you doesn't mean I'm small and someday I'm going to catch up to you and then you'll be sorry!" the tirade had the opposite effect than Allen probably wanted it to have, making Kanda bite back a smile and reach out to tug on a lock of silvery hair. _

"_I know. But until then you are a moyashi," the younger boy had huffed but surprised the dark haired boy by looking away and leaning his shoulder against Kanda's side, his body solid and warm. He didn't argue again but he did send a few glares in the older boy's direction, as if making sure his displeasure was clear and Kanda had been amused as he cracked open the cover of the book Allen had chosen and began to read. _

_In moments all that existed was the words that Kanda coxed softly from the page and into being, his companion's large eyes luminescent with wonder as he listened to the story, the nickname and the argument that came along with it temporarily forgotten. The storm continued to rage outside but neither boy heard it because all that mattered to them was the new adventure unfolding before them. They could stay like that for hours, too, until one of them inevitably fell asleep, content in each other's company. The nickname, however, would stick and become what he regularly addressed his young friend as. Of course it made Allen angry because what child liked being called small but Kanda had never once, after that day, used it with the intention to insult. Moyashi had become a name of affection, an endearment and there was no venom in his voice when he addressed the other boy so. It belonged to the other boy, something he would never gift anyone else with and it would remain so long after he had left West Earl and his only friend behind. _

_That day, when Kanda finally stopped reading it was because the younger boy had tipped to the side and had fallen asleep in the dark haired boy's lap. He had stared down at the pale head for long moments before a soft smile stole across his face. It was a smile he didn't show anyone else and that, like the silly nickname, belong solely to Allen. Yet before he could tilt his head back against the couch and drift off as well, the other boy had stirred, his breath warm where it puffed against the bigger boy's thigh. _

"_Why'dya stop readin?" the small voice was slurred with sleep and he thought that if he didn't answer Allen would drift off again. But then the younger boy had blinked his eyes open and looked up at Kanda, the color of the wide gaze soft and fuzzy. _

"_You fell asleep," he whispered and the pale eyes slid closed again. It seemed like the pale haired boy had dropped back off but then a small hand had curled into his shirt and tugged weakly. _

"_Stay…stay here," the words were so soft that he had barely even heard them and he had caught his breath, wondering what the boy could have meant. It wasn't like he had been trying to dislodge the silvery head from his lap so he could move. If only he could have said with confidence that he would never leave but the Fields had not yet signed the adoption papers like they had been talking about and Kanda's position there was as precarious as ever. But there was one thing he could do and that was remain with Allen for as long as he could. Carefully, he slid one hand under the sleeping boy's head and lifted it just enough so he could slide his legs up onto the couch and settle himself down beside the smaller boy. They slept like this many times before, including during sleepovers and trips to the rolling meadows at the edge of town, laying so closely side by side he could feel Allen's breath ghosting gently over his face. It was familiar and calming and he wished as he wrapped his arms around the other boy that they could remain there, together, for many long years to come. _

"_I'm right here," he'd said and did not say the single word that clamored in his heart, even though he ached to be able to. _I'm right here, forever. _Because even at the tender age of nine, Kanda knew that even when it came to love, there was no forever. _

_The time that he and his moyashi had together would just have to be enough._

*0*0*0*0*

The sun shimmered like a low orb of blood upon the horizon as Kanda stepped from his apartment and turned to lock the door behind him. Seagulls screeched and reeled in the sky above the balcony and he shot them an annoyed glance before striding towards the stairs. Their voices were like a tumulus riot of sound that followed him down to the ground floor as he made his way to his car. They were boisterous creatures but the screeching calls fit in with the setting and he usually didn't even hear it any more. Today, though, he was running a little late and found himself getting more easily irritated than usual. Thankfully the restaurant he worked at was only three minutes down the road and he had a pretty good record about being on time. Kanda just didn't _like_ being late for things and he was already feeling a little strange today as it was.

He didn't know why but he had felt like something was about to happen or like he needed to do something all day, hanging over his head like a heavy cloud. It grated at him, like sandpaper rasping against his skin and he growled as he yanked his car door open and tossed his knapsack that held his uniform into the passenger seat. He just wanted to go to work and finish the day because it hadn't been the greatest and he didn't need strange feelings of premonitions shadowing him. The last time he had felt like this he had been getting ready to run away from the last foster home he'd lived in.

Things didn't need to _change_. For once he wanted them to stay exactly the way they were but the feeling didn't go away as he backed from his parking place and peeled away from his apartment.

Kanda didn't actually live in an apartment building but had procured a room at the large shore hotel for the entire summer. It was a beautiful hotel, with several sweeping wings constructed in the shape of an L and looking out over the coastline like a squatting yellow guardian. Balconies lined every floor so that the guests could sit outside their doors and watch as the tides tumbled and worried at the golden beach and large white pillars marched the length of it, making it look regal. Usually hotels of this sort did not allow permanent residents but business had been rather poor lately due to the declining economy and Kanda had actually worked there the prior summer so he knew the manager, whom had readily agreed to let the dark haired boy stay as long as he paid a reasonable rent.

It was actually quite nice, especially compared to some of the dives he had lived in before and he found himself hoping that maybe he could come back the next year since he had a pretty permanent summer job. If he could, he would stay all year round. The Cape was the only place he had ever lived that had ever really felt like it could offer him some semblance of home but because most of the jobs disappeared once the summer season was over, there was no way for him to earn a living. It was his third year coming to the shore to work for the summer, only leaving in the beginning of the fall to find someplace to wait out winter before he came back once May rolled around again. Kanda couldn't describe why he felt so attached to such a place when he had never felt that way before for anywhere else. It wasn't like he had never lived at the shore before. Child services had shipped him to a home once that resided on the edge of Asbury Park, a run-down beach town that was really only known for their rock concert venue. That particular house was one of the ones he pretended never existed but it was still a sea-side residence.

No, there was something special about the Cape that kept drawing him back again and again, as if there was something there, something waiting for him. Most of the time he was able to ignore the feeling that he was supposed to be looking for something, that there was something here that he needed to find but when he couldn't he would go down to the point and dive into the water where he would swim in the cool ocean waves until he was exhausted and his mind was quiet.

The reason he had come to the Cape in the first place was because he had been in desperate need of a job and they were looking for lifeguards during the summer. Despite the fact that he had never really had a consistent child hood, Kanda was a strong swimmer and he wasn't afraid of all the dangers the ocean. By the end of his training, he was one of the best swimmers in their employ and he had found that wouldn't mind if he could continue doing it forever. He had only been nineteen when he first started and running from the huge mistake of trying his hand at college. Why he had thought it would be a good idea to go to the state university he had no idea as had never really liked school to begin with but he'd gotten it in his head that he would get a degree in business. Biggest mistake he had ever made and he was much more content to bounce from job to job while lifeguarding in this beautiful beach town during the summer. He thought that if he did that, he might find what he was looking for, whatever that might be.

The employee parking lot was nearly full by the time he got to the restaurant and the usual line of cars that belonged to customers paraded in front of the building, announcing another busy night. Not that they ever really had a _slow_ night. Between the actual restaurant and the take out counter on the other side, the business was always swamped with people. It really wasn't all that surprising, since the food was excellent and it merited the crowds that were drawn in every night. People could come in, sit down and watch the fishing boats and the large, fancy yachts pulling into the docks right beside the establishment while eating an excellent meal of lobster or shrimp. As long as they didn't mind the hour wait before being seated, that is, but the people that came here usually didn't. In fact, most anticipated it but even for an establishment that he had been working at for nearly a month and a half, Kanda had to say that the food really was worth it.

He flicked his long black hair over his shoulder as he snatched his bag and slipped in the service entrance. If only the customers saw the work that went into preparing and serving their meals. Maybe if they did, they might tip a little better he thought somewhat bitterly, thinking how light his wallet always seemed to feel. It didn't really matter, though. As long as he had enough money to pay rent and feed himself, he really didn't need too much.

It was a good thing, he supposed, that he had learned to be resourceful and knew how to be low maintenance so that he didn't always need to go out to buy himself new things. He had taught himself how to sew so that he could mend his clothes when need be and he knew how to make everyday necessities like shampoo and toothpaste last until there was absolutely nothing left. The only thing he was willing to splurge on was extra strength conditioner because, really, it was the only way he could keep his hair long and the ugly split ends to a minimum. Still, it would be _nice_ if he could manage to dig up some extra cash as he was in rather desperate need of new shoes.

"Hey, Kanda! How good of you to show up!" his thoughts were broken into by the one voice that had a knack for setting his teeth on edge no matter _what_ kind of mood he was in and he felt a few muscles in his shoulders actually cramp as he tensed. Of all of the other people that he worked with at the restaurant, he was pretty sure his boss, Jack, was the worst. Though he was only the floor manager and by no means gave the big orders, he still had the authority to put any of the waiters and hosts wherever he felt like. Though they were all supposed to be on a rotating schedule so that no all of the same people got the more crowded sections every shift, Jack tended to by-pass the rules when he had it out for someone. Kanda tried to avoid the man until he was already clocked in and working but sometimes it was unavoidable. With a deep sigh, he kept his movements slow and deliberate as he set his bag down in the locker room/break room and turned to face his boss.

"I'm sorry I'm late," his voice was tight and Clarissa, the only other person by the lockers, threw him a sympathetic look. Everyone knew the story behind Jack's behavior towards the dark haired Japanese boy and it was one he would rather not contemplate. It was bad enough that he had to see the bastard everyday but his boss's hard feelings came from a perverted crush he had on the younger man that had been harshly rejected as soon as it came to light.

Okay, so maybe Kanda didn't have to knee him in the balls but the asshole had cornered him in one of the bathrooms after hours and had tried to pin him to one of the metal stall doors. In his mind, he had only gotten what he deserved and if Kanda had his way, he would have just castrated the man altogether. Though, he had to admit it was satisfying seeing Jack going around with a limp for two days afterwards. Now the older man was smiling as he leaned up against the lockers, his arms crossed in front of him but there was a sharp glint in his eye that always meant Kanda was about to get shafted.

"Well, be that as it may, it seems we have an opening in section 6 that you could fill quite nicely. I'm sure Donna would be willing to take your spot hosting the mid-desk," fury burned in his veins as Kanda glared at the older man, hands clenched so hard into fists that there would be little crescent indents in his palms for hours. Honestly, he didn't mind waiting. He had done it before in many different places and this one was actually not that bad, if very busy. The problem was that there weren't any _men_ on the wait staff; it was usually pretty girls that wore their little sailor outfits and sparkled when they took the orders. The only reason Kanda ever waited was because Jack was a nasty little fucker with a grudge and a hard-on for seeing the dark haired man in his adapted waiter's uniform.

"Sir, I was supposed to be on—" That was as far as he got before he was cut off with one of Jack's sneering replies. Usually Kanda didn't even bother to protest anymore. After the first four times, he finally gave up and brought the damned uniform with him, just in case something like this happened. Thankfully, he wasn't made to wear the skirt but the top? He winced just thinking about it. By then everyone who was in the adjoining break room, either on their breaks or waiting for their shift to start, were watching warily, waiting to see if Kanda would argue.

"Like I said, you were late so you can take section 6," the man lifted one eyebrow and looked the Japanese man up and down before pushing off the lockers and turning away, "Oh, and you shouldn't worry so much about that uniform. You're pretty enough to pull it off," Jack said over his shoulder and his laugh made Kanda feel like he was covered in a layer of slime. As soon as the man was gone, he snarled out loud and banged his fist into the closest locker, the sound rattling through the room.

"Hey, samurai, don't let that ass get to you," the girl that stood in the doorway of the break room was short, with dark hair and brilliant green eyes and she had a slight southern accent that he found either soothing or irritating. Today he just shot her a dark look before taking a deep breath to forcefully calm himself down. Angela had declared herself his friend the day he started and he was often glad for her steadfast and determined friendship as his prickly demeanor tended to scare most people who might have become acquaintances away. Once he had turned to her when he was in a particularly bad mood and demanded to know why she was so resolute about being his friend, even when he didn't want it. She had laughed in response, her eyes bright and dark head tipped to the side. "I was actually going to ask you out in the beginning because, let's face it, there aren't too many guys around here that look like you but I think now I'm just doing it to protect everyone else from your wrath," He was pretty sure it was meant as a joke but there had been a hint of truth in it that struck him like iron. Since then he had been trying to keep a handle on his temper better but Jack just knew how to crawl under his skin to smash his resolve to dust.

"One of these days, I'm going to rip his face off and hang it up next to all of the crap on the walls in the main dining room," his voice was sinister growl but Angela laughed her high, tinkling laugh and he felt himself relax a bit.

"And you know I'll be right there with you, holding his arms down," her grin was bright with understanding and for a second he almost believed they might actually get away with it but no one liked to see blood while they were eating, "Until then, just hang in there and do your job. At least this way you make tips and I'm on section 7 so it won't be so bad," he huffed at her then lifted his backpack, giving it a little, illustrative shake.

"Easy for you to say. At least your uniform wasn't originally made for the opposite sex!" the dark haired girl fixed him with a look and then burst out laughing, punching him on the arm playfully. Sometimes he wondered if she would have been better off having been born as a guy, especially when she burped. "Paying compliments to the chef" she always said but he still wrinkled his nose at the crude behavior. Still, despite himself, he found that she was one of the most real people he had ever met and he liked that she didn't feel like she needed to apologize for being who she was. He had known someone else like that, the only person that his heart had never let go.

"Oh, come on, samurai! Wear it like the man you are!" several others who had been listening shamelessly in snickered behind their hands and only grinned when Kanda shot them a caustic glare. Everyone here knew by now his bark was usually worse than his bite but they still kept their distance, just in case. One thing that she did that he hated was calling him by that stupid nickname but every since the day he had nearly ripped Jack's manhood clean off and the girl had shouted across the kitchen when they were all cleaning up that he was "as fierce as a samurai", the name had stuck. No matter what he said, she merely ignored his protests and had gotten nearly all of the waiting and kitchen staff to begin calling him that as well. He included Angela in his glare, who missed it because she was still chortling before practically crushing his bag in his fist as he stomped towards the bathroom.

He'd wear the damn thing, all right, and he could smile while doing it. They'd see. Of course, it didn't help that Angela, who had been waiting for him in the break room when he came back out, eyed him up and down and said,

"I'll say, I think you look better in that than most of us poor girls do, Mr. Samurai, sir!" and she fled to the kitchen as he bellowed at her in rage, ignoring the way everyone howled in mirth. As he stormed into the kitchen where he was welcomed by a chorus of greetings, he rubbed absently at his right temple where a sharp pain had started to bloom. He could already tell it was going to be a long night.

So when nine o'clock rolled around and he was more than ready to take his break, he blamed it on the fact that he wasn't paying attention that he got caught so terribly off guard; though he doubted anything could have prepared him for the shock he received that night.

Normally he could tell what kind of people he was about to serve just by looking at them; by how they sat in their chairs, how they interacted with each other and how they looked around at the other customers in the dining room. It was a skill that had served him well over the years and he liked knowing that kind of thing so that he knew what to expect. But that night he was already burnt out from the bad day he'd had, only aggravated by the fact that he was wearing what was essentially the woman's uniform only with pants, which in turn had Jack harassing him more than usual. His head throbbed, the dull pain knocking persistently against the inside of his skull and he had not had a chance to sit down for his break yet as it was busier than usual so his feet felt swollen and too big for his shoes.

And on top of all that, the aggravating feeling that had been niggling at the back of his mind like coarse, unrefined wool only strengthened as the night went on, becoming this black, seething mass that he could barely see past. So it was no surprise that as he gathered himself together and went to help the new crowd that had been seated at table 6-D, he had barely given them a half a glance.

"Hello, my name is Kanda. Would you like to start off with some drinks?" it was a line he used so much he probably muttered it in his sleep and he didn't look at anyone's faces as he flipped his little pad open in anticipation of their orders. It was a party of eight, mostly guys but he had taken perfunctory note of three girls at the table and that was about all he noticed. They all kind of blended together after a while anyway and he was in no mood to care very much right about then. The older, dark haired man at the end of the table started his order, ignoring the antics of several of his companions seated midway at the table with a finesse that Kanda almost envied.

"I'll have a glass of your finest Bordeaux and—" but he got no further than that before being cut off by someone at the end of the table.

"Kanda?" for a second it didn't register because the buzzing in his head had begin to vibrate with an intensity that almost hurt and he was scowling at his note pad as he tried to hide his discomfort from his customers. Then he realized that he didn't recognize the voice that had spoken and no one around there called him by his real name except for Jack, who knew enough not to bother him while he was taking orders. He looked up just as he heard a chair scrape against the floor with a low dragging sound and glanced down towards the end of the table, where the person who had spoken had been hiding in the dim shadows.

For a moment he thought his knees would buckle and all the air had been knocked from his chest. There, standing not more than fifteen feet away, was someone straight from his memory.

It was surely impossible, it had to be, but the other boy was looking at him with wide eyes that were the color of silver water, the livid red tattoo stark against his snowy skin and there was no other person he could be. He didn't realize the table had gone very quiet as they stared at one another, nor that his pad had slipped from his nerveless fingers and had fallen onto one of the plates. The rest of the dining room had faded away because he had been positive he would never see this person again.

"Allen, do you know this guy?" someone asked and the name rang in his mind like a clear bell. Allen. _Allen_, his Allen, with the pale hair and the wide eyes who had been his one and only friend and who Kanda had been forced to leave behind, even though his heart broke. Just like that, the pulling, nagging, horrible feeling he had been fighting all day disappeared and something seemed to fall into place, like he had been missing a part of himself for all this time. The boy in the photograph, the one he had never been able to let go of, was _here_, though he was no longer a boy anymore. He was _beautiful _and Kanda couldn't seem to draw a breath.

Then Allen smiled, such a heartrending expression because he looked like he was about to cry too and just like that Kanda could breathe again.

"Kanda, it's me, Allen…" the dark haired waiter blinked for a second, opening his mouth because he had to say something, anything, despite the fact the words were crowding the back of his throat, making it difficult to form them properly. The smile faltered on the face that he knew so well and yet was so different at the same time and he tried again but his mouth was impossibly dry and his palms were sweating and now they were all staring at him; even some of his coworkers had noticed and were watching. So he did the only thing he could think of.

He turned and ran.

_**To be continued...

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haha! Kanda ran away! Who would'a thunk it?(ooc, here we come!)_**  
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	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Back again with the next installment and I have to say, I'm a little bit more confident with this story now. At least, those of you who reviewed seemed to like it so it can't be that bad, right? I just wanted to point out a few things about the setting. All of the places I'm using are all based on real places that I have either lived in or visited, located in good old New Jersey. West Earl is based on the small towns in Northern Jersey that was my home for many years and the Cape is based off of Cape May, my favorite place in the entire world. There are other locations that I've mentioned that are also real, but those are the two main ones. Anyway, I just thought I'd share that little bit with you XD Thanks again for all your reviews, they have been very helpful in getting me to move my ass on this story. It's almost done, maybe about twenty more pages to go. (It's almost 85 so far *kills self*) As I am going away for a week on Thursday, (to Cape May, incidentally) I will try my very best to have the whole thing posted before I leave. Getting internet there is difficult at best and if the neighbor doesn't have their wireless on, its a moot point. So, thank you all for your support and here's the next chapter! Enjoy!

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_The day that his best friend left town without saying goodbye was etched into his memory forever. _

_Allen had been so sure that he and Kanda would be together forever, having adventures and finishing all the books in the library; they would visit all those places on his wall because the dark haired boy had become just as precious to him as Manna was and he couldn't fathom leaving him behind. Though they could not be in the same class because the other boy was four years older, that wouldn't stop them from meeting up after school and sitting down in one of their houses to do homework before going outside and making use of the light before they were called for dinner. Even then they would both eat at Kanda's house because Manna tended to work late and there would be sleepovers on the weekend and they would attend each other's birthday parties and do all the things best friends did. He dreamed about it, staying with Kanda forever and how it would be. Every summer would be like the one they'd just had and as they grew older, they would only grow closer because neither one could bear to be parted from the other for very long. _

_It had been the end of August, right before school was supposed to start, when it happened. He had been excited about starting a new school, more because it was the one Kanda went to, even if they would not be in the same classroom. Though he was a little sad for their carefree summer to end, he looked at the coming fall as just another adventure, one he would spend with Manna and Kanda, happier than he ever thought he could be. What was even better was that the Fields, the couple that were Kanda's current guardians, were very close to getting the adoption papers so they could keep the other boy permanently. Though the older boy didn't show it much, Allen knew how happy he was to be accepted into their family. Judy and Max Fields adored Kanda, treating him like he was their own because they had never been able to have kids and Kanda smiled more and more often as the days went on. _

_It should have been wonderful. It should have been perfect. _

_But nothing in life is ever perfect. _

_That day had been warm, the sun beating down upon the earth with its buttery light and the summer cicadas hummed in the trees and bushes all around, a rising and falling chorus of loud, hissing voices. Allen had been up early, too excited to stay in bed because he and Kanda had planned to go down to the lake that day to swim and chase the little fish around. By seven thirty he had already bolted down his breakfast of blueberry pancakes and said goodbye to Manna before flying out the door, his little heart beating rapidly in giddy anticipation. The Fields only lived a block down the road, their house a small, charming cottage with faceted windows and a sweeping, welcoming interior. Yet no matter what the house looked like, Allen would have loved it because that was where Kanda lived. The sight of it greeted him as he rounded the marching line of pines that hid the cottage from the road and he had raced to the door, his grin already splitting his face. _

_It was Mr. Fields that had opened the door and Allen had not seen the darkness shading his gaze nor the way Mrs. Fields peered around the corner, hope and tears glittering on her face. He had simply been too excited and practically bounced on his toes as he grinned up at them. _

"_Hi, Mr. Fields! Is Kanda ready yet? We're going down to the lake today and he told me to come get him early!" the older man had looked away then, his face lined sharply with pain and Allen's smile began to falter, not understanding why he was making such a face. In the background, his wife had burst into tears and fled deeper into the house so that the pale haired boy couldn't hear her. He blinked in confusion, unable to comprehend their distress. _

"_I'm sorry, Allen," Mr. Fields had said, face kind but behind his eyes were deep shadows and the sight of them made the first hint of fear wiggle into the young boy's heart, "I'm afraid Kanda can't come play with you," a childlike disappointment flashed through him and he barely kept himself from pouting but then he realized that perhaps Kanda wasn't feeling well and that was why everyone was so down. The dark haired boy had not gotten sick while Allen had known him so he didn't know how everyone would react. He had put his hands behind his back and looked up with big, earnest eyes, hoping that he would at least be allowed to see his friend if just so that he could comfort him. _

"_Is he sick? If he's sick, I can ask Manna to help me make him some soup. That always makes me feel better. And a book! I could read to him too…" a tear had slid down Mr. Fields' cheek then and the pale haired boy had stumbled to a halt, genuinely frightened now. Was it really that serious that they were crying? He wouldn't be able to bear it if the older boy was really sick and terror for his friend made his breath catch. The older man had crouched down in the doorway and held Allen by the shoulders, looking him square in the face._

"_I'm so, so sorry," he had whispered, as if using his voice pained him, "but Kanda's not here. The a-adoption fell through and they took…took him away to another home late last night…he's not coming back…" the words had hovered over him like a great black bird of prey, swooping down and ripping out his heart. He had stood there, frozen, for what seemed like forever before blinking and taking a step back, breaking the gentle hold the older man had on his shoulder. _

"_No…" he had whispered, shaking his head as if his denial would make it not true. It couldn't be true. He hadn't had nearly enough time with the older boy and Kanda hadn't even said goodbye so he couldn't have left, "No, _no, NO! Kanda!_" he shoved his way into the house, terror making him half blind and tore up the stairs to the older boy's bedroom, all the while screaming his friend's name. Someone was calling him, their voice broken and his ignored it because he couldn't figure out why Kanda wasn't answering. It couldn't be true but as he burst into the room, it was unoccupied and it looked like it had been overturned, though most of the stuff was in place. He stared wildly around for a moment before noticing the empty space on the heavy oak desk in the corner. _

_The empty space where the picture of him and Kanda used to sit, the picture that had brought such a smile to older boy's face, it shone before he promised he would never get rid of it. _

_It was gone. _

_Allen had started crying then, large, salty tears that didn't seem to stop for hours. His wailing filled the house and vibrated off the walls and over and over he called Kanda's name. It was a call that wouldn't be answered. The Fields let him lie crumpled in a tiny heap on the bedroom floor, staining the rug with his tears and snot before Judy slipped into the room and picked him up, gently placing him on Kanda's bed. The pillows and sheets smelled like his friend and it only made him cry harder, the hole in his chest aching so fiercely, he had thought his heart would just stop beating under the strain. _

_Later, he could remember being lifted by familiar arms and being brought back home so he must have fallen asleep in the bed but as soon as he saw Manna, he started crying all over again. His friend was gone, the boy that he had thought was given to him by fate to keep as his forever, torn away from him and in such a manner that it was impossible to see him again. _

_That day, Allen's heart was broken for the first time and kept repeating the same thing over and over…_

"_You never even said goodbye….Kanda….Kanda….Don't leave me…"_

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On the second day they were at the shore, they all piled into the SUV and drove down to the large marina that sat at the beginning of the island to a restaurant called the Lobster House. Allen hadn't really had sea food before but Road had assured them it was the best seafood restaurant in the state so he was excited for the chance to try something new. Cross was more of a steak kind of person and didn't get too adventurous with their meals, despite the fact that Allen was the one who cooked them. Thus he didn't get too much exposure to different kinds of food. But the restaurant was crowded and the place was large and clean and though they had to wait for nearly an hour and a half to get a table that was big enough to accommodate their eight person party, it was one of the nicest places he had been in.

Their table was placed against a long window that looked out onto the docks where dozens of boats were resting quietly upon the still waters. It was beginning to get dark so the sun was hiding behind the buildings on the other side of the marina but the orange light of the sky glittered like a thousand jewels on the peaks of the miniature waves. They were shown to their seats by a blond haired girl that smiled too much at Tykki, making Lavi grumble softly under his breath and who the twins kept nudging each other over. So far it had been an incredible vacation and he had gotten a chance to get to know all of his friends better as they fooled around on the beach or walked through the town, wandering through the little shops filled with souvenirs and novelty items. Despite the amount of people that flocked to the area during the summer, it was still a peaceful place, wise and weathered from time and the love of the residents. The weather had been calm and obliging, giving them clear skies the color of sapphires and a blazing sun that warmed the earth and they had been making the most of it, exploring the island and forgetting there were other lives that they had to go back to once their time was up.

Allen found himself wishing that he didn't need to go back home. He liked his home well enough and he was forever grateful to Cross but he felt like half of a person when he was there. Here, though, he could feel his smiling mask melting as new emotions began to surge to life within him, emotions he hadn't felt since he was seven. He didn't know why but that inexplicable feeling of change continued to hold him tightly within its grasp and he kept looking over his shoulder, as if he would find the answer standing right behind him. It wasn't a bad feeling precisely, more like there was something waiting for him around every corner he turned, making him feel itchy and short of breath.

What he didn't expect, though, was to find the source of it in that restaurant.

Their host had placed neat, black menus at each of their places with the name of the restaurant on the front in embossed gold letters and then informing them that their waiter would be right with them. A little candle in a cut glass dome sat in front of his seat that he had chosen at the end of the table where the lights cast shadows so that he felt secluded and safe and he opened his menu curiously. There were two pages filled with different kinds of dishes, all of which he had heard of but had never had the chance to try, though every single one sounded delicious. Problem was, how was he supposed to pick something if he had no idea how they tasted? Road must have seen his frown from her place next to him because she pressed on the side of his menu with her index finger and peered over his arm.

"What are you going to get?" she asked as he shifted enough so she could see without having to lean on him so much. He liked her well enough but it had been clear to him for some time that she liked him as more than just a friend. Which would have been fine if he could just bring himself to get over the ghosts of his past. She was cute, short and dark and playful, with a cute face and enticing voice but even though nearly all of the boys in their class had a crush on her at some point, he had never thought of her as anything more than a friend. How could he when his heart was still set on someone else and he wanted nothing more than to just get through his life, never dreaming and never growing? Allen smiled at her and shrugged apologetically.

"I'm not sure. I've never had this kind of food before so I don't know what's good," both Road and Lenalee looked at him in astonishment and something very much like sympathy.

"You've never had fish before?" Lenalee asked, her eyes big from across the table and he rubbed the back of his neck with a laugh. She was another one that every one followed with their eyes, tall and beautiful and though she didn't seem inclined to show anything more for the pale haired boy than gentle, friendly affection, to him her beauty was distant and unimportant.

"You know Cross. Trying to get him to change his habits is like trying to teach a pig how to fly," it was meant as a joke but it reminded him of the debts he would be going back home to and he grit his teeth against the resulting momentary depression. Lenalee giggled at his analogy and Road rolled her eyes because Cross's habits were very well known in town. So much so that he was used as an example by parents to show their kids how _not_ to be. It amused Allen most of the time but sometimes it made his chest ache. Despite his debts and his habit of drinking and sleeping around, his guardian had a good heart.

"You poor soul," Road joked, putting a dramatic fist over her heart before pulling on Allen's menu so they could both read it, "Okay, well, lobster is good, especially here because they don't overcook it, which makes it rubbery. I think its best with butter and lemon but any way is good too. Shrimp is a little fishier and they're smaller so they are good over pasta or salad but you should definitely try the scallops. Best thing you will ever taste," he smiled and nodded along even though it wasn't really helping all that much, eyes following her finger as she read off the list of entrées that were served. A couple sounded a little intriguing and he was about to thank her when their waiter stepped over to the table.

"Hello, my name is Kanda. Would you like to start off with some drinks?" the voice was deep and smooth but that wasn't what caught his attention and nearly had him breaking his neck in his haste to look up. It was the name that stopped his heart and stilled the breath in his lungs, every single bit of his focus realigning itself and centering upon the man standing at the end of the table. He was tall and his frame was slender but strong under his uniform, his ebony hair nearly reaching his waist and his fine features shockingly pretty. But that was not what jump-started Allen's heart and had it ricocheting against the back of his throat. No, it was the man's eyes, trained downwards on the pad he held in front of him and lined with sooty eyelashes that had a flare of recognition stab through him so sharply, he was almost surprised there wasn't a visible hole blown through the middle of his chest.

Those eyes, the deepest, richest blue he had ever seen, he would never forget.

It was _him_, the boy who had left him twelve years ago, the one he had been secretly waiting for in his heart to come back and whom he had never been able to leave behind, standing right there, only a few feet away. There was a scowl on his face, made deeper with time and he was older now, an adult but even so, he was the same. Same reserve, same expression, same eyes. _They are still so beautiful…_Lenalee must have noticed his transfixed state and had nudged him under the table with her toe but Allen couldn't look away now if someone drove a boat right through the side of the dining room. He was afraid that if he looked away, the vision of his childhood friend would disappear. Somehow he managed to pick his voice up from the floor and though his legs felt like rubber, he couldn't stop himself from standing, as if he was readying himself to move quickly.

"Kanda?" the name felt raw against his throat, like it was rusty from not being said and the waiter's head lifted, the dark cobalt gaze fixing on him for a single blank moment, lack of recognition making them flat. They were still as intense as he remembered though, and a second later they grew impossibly wide, deep black skies that threatened to draw him in. The elegant features went white with shock and the little pad he had been using to write orders down dropped from his hand as if it had suddenly lost feeling and something crackled inside of him, like a burning rush of joy was suddenly loosed in his blood. Yes, it was _him_ because that was recognition flaring in the familiar, slanted eyes and Allen thought that if he let the laughter that was bubbling in his chest free, he would never stop.

"Allen, do you know this guy?" Lavi's voice floated to him as if from very far away and he was aware of the entire table of his friends staring at them in confusion but he didn't care. None of that was important anymore. Instead he smiled because he just wasn't able to contain it, staring at the dark haired boy like he had been starved for twelve years and the sight of Kanda offered him sustenance. The smile had the waiter drawing in a sharp breath, as if he too had stopped breathing and Allen wanted to step up to him and wrap the older boy in his embrace, never letting him go again.

"It's me, Allen," it sounded stupid when he said it because it was clear Kanda knew exactly who he was, judging by his reaction but Allen wanted him to say something to break the frozen moment they seemed to be caught in. Road shifted next to him and the twins were looking back and forth between their companion and the waiter as if waiting for someone to take the next step and he ignored them all because nothing was more important than his childhood friend, found and well and _real_ right there in front of him. The dark haired boy opened his mouth like he was about to say something but nothing came out, as if Kanda was just too rattled to form words. Allen could feel his smile faltering because he couldn't remember the other boy letting surprise get the better of him like that and he was just about to push his chair back and walk over to him when the dark haired waiter did something he would never have expected Kanda to do in a million years.

He turned on his heel and tore through the dining room, headed for a pair of doors at the end of the room like the very devil was after him.

A thought flashed through his head as he watched Kanda's swiftly retreating back, pitiful and broken with pain, _no, please, I just found you again_ but he barely registered it before he was practically tripping over himself to sprint after him. "Kanda, wait!" but his call seemed to make the older boy flee faster for he was dodging another shocked waitress and bursting into the room beyond the double swinging doors. Now the whole dining room was staring at them, disapproving comments hidden behind hands and he could hear one or two of the quicker thinking waitresses asking him to please not run in the dining room. None of that mattered and he ignored them because he wasn't about to lose Kanda a second time.

Barely giving the sign above the doors that said employees only a second glance, Allen slammed into the room a couple seconds after Kanda to find it was the kitchen, bustling with activity and filled with people who turned wide, shocked eyes to the person who didn't belong there. He didn't care about them though because he had lost his target in the confusion and he had to pause to look for him, widening the gap between them. His breath came in unsteady rasps as panic began to set in, the memories of being left behind by this very same person welling up within him and choking him. Terrified that he had missed his only chance, he turned to the nearest person, a waitress who was watching him thoughtfully rather than in surprise and caught her wrist in desperation.

"Please, can you tell me where Kanda went?" it didn't matter if his voice shook or if tears stood out in his eyes because he had to reach the other man before he disappeared again for good. She eyed him speculatively, pale green eyes sharp on his face, her lips pursed as if she was thinking before she started to respond.

"Who is he to—" but she got no further because a large, forceful hand had fallen on his shoulder, belonging to a man with a mean face and an expression of twisted contempt pulling on his lips.

"No customers allowed in here, kid. I'm going to have to ask you to leave," his voice was a mean growl as he began to forcefully steer the pale haired man back towards the door. Allen tried to twist away from the heavy grip, eyes darting through the chaos of the kitchen in a desperate attempt to find Kanda, "I can't have you disrupting my employees," and the younger man wanted to snap at the hand holding him back, frustrated and desperate. The waitress he had stopped was following them, trying to reason with the bigger man but he was having none of it. In one last frantic effort, he stopped short and spun, managing to dodge the unwelcoming hand and dart back towards the middle of the kitchen. In that moment he caught the sight of slanted blue eyes wild and familiar at the back of the room and he adjusted his course, determined not to let Kanda out of his sight again. Flames from the stove roared around him and the cooks and other workers were staring in fascination and all he cared about was that the dark haired man was still running away.

"Kanda! _Kanda, come back!_" but he only managed to make it midway before rough hands caught at his shirt and nearly over balanced him, sending him crashing into a nearby metal counter. Pain flared through his hip and he righted himself just as the man that had been trying to force him out of the kitchen caught hold of his arm. Someone was cursing harsh enough to strip paint from the walls and others were watching with wide eyes and shocked expressions. The older man dragged him back to the doors, his face dark and livid.

"I don't know who you think you are, you fucking idiot, but if I ever see you back in this restaurant, I'm…" there was more but Allen tuned him out, allowing himself to be led, craning his neck as he looked over his shoulder in hopes to catch one more glimpse of long black hair and blue eyes that still haunted his dreams.

But Kanda, it seemed, was already gone.

The manager, for that was who he assumed the older man was, marched him back through the double doors, through the dining room where everyone turned to stare once more, past the table with his friends and straight out the front door of the restaurant. Allen didn't fight as he was carelessly flung from the establishment, nearly falling on his face when he stumbled. All that filled his mind was the way Kanda's back looked as he run away, as if the pale haired teen was the embodiment of his nightmares come to life. Scars that he thought long faded felt like they had been torn open and his life blood was pooling at his feet, suffocating him with its slick flow.

He had been so close, standing _right in front of him_ and then he was gone again, just like that. The first time had been heartbreaking but now that he had found the Japanese boy again only to have him run away was shattering. He didn't know why that would be; perhaps he had played the scenario over and over in his mind, so much so that he had built something that just didn't exist but that didn't make it hurt any less. Their love for each other had been pure and bright and, for him at least, it had endured the long absence, becoming stronger with time. He had never blamed Kanda for leaving, not really, not after what he heard what the other boy's life had been like before he had been taken in by the Fields. So his heartache had never been bitter. Circumstances were unavoidable sometimes and he had contented himself when the pain became too much that Kanda probably just wasn't given the chance to say goodbye. But now…now their tie had been rejected. The older boy had turned tail and ran away, something he had never done, as if he couldn't stand the sight of Allen.

Despite that, though, he walked around the restaurant, trying every door he came across only to be discouraged at every turn. Most of them were locked and the only one that he was able to open he was greeted by a young man no older than him who apologetically turned him away.

"I'm sorry, I would but I really can't afford to get fired. Sorry man," he couldn't remember what his own response had been, only that his smile had felt brittle and cracked and he had turned away, his heart feeling heavy and bleak. That didn't mean, of course, that he was about to give up but there was no way he would be about to get to Kanda while he was inside the restaurant. At least he now knew where the older boy was and once morning rolled around, he would be scouring the island until he found his childhood friend. How could he give up now, when he was so close? It was impossible, a thought that his brain and his heart discarded as soon as it formed. Kanda was _here_, in this town, living and working and there was no way Allen could turn away now. Even if he his friends left to go back home, he would stay until he could get the older man to stop running, get him to stand still long enough to look in his eyes, to touch him, to reassure himself he was still real.

That night he sat in the window seat for a long time before he fell asleep, the tile hard as it pressed against his tailbone and the gossamer of the curtain brushing against his arms. There he stared up at the blank sky, the area too bright for stars to be seen and thought about the person he had never thought he would see again. He thought about how Kanda had changed, now so beautiful he was mesmerizing to look at while wondering just how much he had changed. He couldn't _stop_ thinking about him, every last breath filled with dreams of a boy who had once been his best friend, every exhalation a silent sigh of Kanda's name. It was like, in those few moments their eyes had locked, he had regained his ability to dream, something that he had thought has died along with Manna.

His friends had not stayed at the Lobster House to finish their meal, Tykki going as far as stopping the chief manager and telling him he was appalled at how one of his employees had treated a customer. They had found him sitting in the gravel against the side of the car in the parking lot, his hair covering his face and Lenalee had given him a gentle hug while Lavi and Road tried to get information from him. Yet for some reason his voice was lost and all he could do was shrug and then smile, hating how the expression tugged at the wounded corners of his heart. Thankfully, Lenalee had seen the distress in his eyes and had curled her hand around his own, eyes warm and understanding.

"It's okay, Allen. You don't have to tell us right now," and he was eternally grateful that everyone else seemed to take the hint, their questions dying out. Road fixed him with a few sharp glances and the twins had grown quiet, as if they were waiting for something but not one else bothered him about his strange behavior. They ended up going to a pizza place that was across the street from the promenade and strayed onto the beach where they lingered until long after dark. That was where Tykki had found him while he was wandering through the cool spray of the waves that hissed and licked along the shore, its rhythm soothing and unrelenting. The dark haired man walked along with him in silence for a few moments, watching his lover playing a game of tag with the twins among the waves that required them throwing each other into the chilly water. Wild black waves danced over the man's face when Allen glanced at him and his dark eyes were shadowed in the darkness.

"I do hope you are not thinking of giving up," he said abruptly, voice barely audible over the crash of the waves and Allen looked at the older man, knowing exactly to what he referred to. For a moment he studied Tykki then realized the man probably figured it all out already. He could feel a blush heating his cheeks as he looked away but there was no use denying it. The dark haired man was too intelligent for everyone else's good sometimes.

"I don't think I could even if I wanted to," his response was a little flat and he licked his lips, tasting salt. It was true enough that he was sure he would simply crumple into dust should he contemplate turning his back without even trying but that didn't make it any easier. Tykki made a satisfied noise in his throat and his nod was slow and thoughtful.

"You love him," it wasn't a question and Allen didn't mistake it for one. He ducked his head and hid his hands in his pockets, watching as his bare feet sunk in the damp sand with every step. The steady breeze that smelled strongly of brine and salt tugged at their clothing and hair, adding to the racket of the ocean. Then he nodded shortly, merely confirming the older man's statement. If anyone would understand, he reasoned, it would be Tykki. His and Lavi's story was filled with uncertainty and strife but that hadn't stopped them.

"I don't know why he ran, though. He's never run from anything before…" the older man had paused then, staring out to sea where there could be seen the glittering lights of boats on the horizon. His profile had been shaded and it looked so sad for a moment Allen had wondered what he was thinking about. When he had turned to the pale haired teen, though, there was a tiny smile curling on his lips, one that he had seen him give to Lavi on several occasions.

"Love is not just anything, Allen," he'd said, eyes on the red head emerging soaking wet from the waves and a surge of hope had filled him then, making him feel warm and cold by turns. Later, as he sat beside the window, he thought back on that conversation and wondered. Could that really be the answer? He had known Kanda such a long time ago that he was sure he probably knew next to nothing about him. Tykki had seemed so confident but his childhood friend never could be compared with other people or stuck in a mold. Still, he couldn't think of a single reason that would make such a proud, reserved person turn tail and run except the one that Tykki had given him. It seemed too good to be the truth. Things like that just didn't happen to him. He was Allen Walker, the boy who had been cursed at a very young age and who had everything and everyone he had ever loved ripped away from him. Why did he think it would be different this time around?

And yet, as he sat in that window seat, he stared at the sky and found that he could once again dream…

*0*0*0*0*

_Every day. _

_That was how often he missed Allen. Every minute of every hour of every day. It was like the ability to breathe had been taken from him and he could not draw enough air into his lungs. Allen, his little ray of sunlight, whose very smile and bright, silvery gaze could make him feel warmer than he had ever realized was possible. The boy that had lit up his life and he had been forced to leave him behind. It was like someone had ripped his very heart from his chest and had buried it in the small town called West Earl. _

_He had known it was coming. _

_Max had sat him down one day, a few weeks before the end of the summer and he had gently told Kanda that they had just come home from the doctors. Judy was sick with terminal cancer to the lungs and they couldn't afford both the doctor's bills and a child. Judy had cut in then, her eyes fierce as she refused to get treatment if that meant they had to get rid of Kanda but how could he live with himself if someone died just for his comfort? He has asked them that, bravely trying to ignore the fact that he really just wanted to burst into tears and Max had hugged him fiercely. _

"_Not for your comfort, Yuu. For love. We love you," but it wasn't to be. Later he would think back and realize it was inevitable. He had parents once, he could even still remember a little bit of them, especially when he spoke his native language but he would not be granted with another set. He had loved the Fields. Just when he was beginning to think that there were no good people left in the world, he had been given them and they had taken him in with open, loving arms. _

_Life was a cruel mistress and child services came a week later, a stern woman collecting him and sweeping him away even when Judy started screaming and begging for them to let him stay. With his heart breaking, he had kissed her cheek and hugged her for a fleeting moment. _

"_Please get better and I'll come back to see you again," the only real home he'd ever had and it had been snatched away from him mercilessly. It was Allen, however, the small boy with whom he had become fast friends with that his heart had broken for. As they drove past the Walker house, he had felt the tears trickle down his face and he had pressed his face to the window pane as if that would let him see it better, even though it was late at night. Allen's window had been dark and he had thought about the pale haired boy sleeping in his bed, blissfully unaware that Kanda was leaving him._

"_Goodbye," he had whispered against the glass, glad he had not said it to his friend because he didn't think he could stand up against Allen's pain. He hadn't said goodbye because he didn't want to see that beautiful, shining smile dim, thinking that maybe he could come back when Judy was better again. _

_That never would happen, though. _

_Kanda only went back to West Earl once after he was no longer a ward of the state, having bounced from foster home to foster home until he removed himself from the system by running away. By then it was too late, though. Judy had died and Max had moved away and Allen…_

_Allen's smile had broken._

*0*0*0*0*

Kanda didn't sleep at all that night.

Long after he had laid his head down on his pillow he stared up at his shadowed ceiling with blank eyes, memorizing the minute changes in the darkness above his head as if it was a living, breathing thing. It wasn't, of course, but it was the only thing that he could rebound his thoughts against, even if they were returned with silence. It was only a few years ago that he had gone back to West Earl, not understanding the thing that drove him to go back and see the place where his memories held the kindest memories. He didn't know what he had been hoping to find but it was not the death of the woman whom he had thought of as his second mother nor the absence of her husband. The house had been empty, run over with weeds and the for sale sign rusted and broken by the road. No one had bought the place, it seemed and the sight of the only real home he could remember being abandoned had struck him like a blow. It wasn't as if he wanted to talk with them or to ask him to take him back; he had long ago accepted reality for what it was, unchangeable and unforgiving. Kanda just hadn't expected it to hurt so much.

Which was one of the reasons why he left again before he could run into Allen. He didn't think he'd be able to bear it if his childhood friend had disappeared as well or had changed from the sunny, beautiful boy he used to be. Running from things was something he detested. It was weak and it solved absolutely nothing and he had promised himself at the age of five, when his mother committed suicide, that he would never take the coward's way out.

Except that was exactly what he had just done.

The clock read two thirty by the time he gave up trying to sleep and slipped from his bed, wandering over to the window and throwing it open to allow the salty breeze to flutter into his room. The plastic shades clacked against each other, a sharp counterpoint to the soft swish of the waves against the sand and he strained to see them in the artificial glow of the street lamps to no avail. That was why he had run, even though he hated himself for it. Allen had given him that bright, beautiful smile that haunted his memories and it was the same and yet so very different. Where there used to genuine warmth and joy, there was now nothing left but aching emptiness behind that familiar expression. He had caught merely a glimpse before it had started to fade yet just in those few fleeting moments that he had seen it had pierced him so sharply the pain seemed to linger on.

Leaving his best friend had been hard enough and staying away even harder. How many times had he thought about simply giving in and finding his way back to that small little town, just to be with Allen again? As he had gotten older, the longing had dulled with time but it had never really gone away. He met people, even dated a few, though those had never lasted more than a couple weeks but then his eye would catch that picture he continued to keep beside his bed or he would remember something stupid that reminded him of Allen and it would all come racing back, uncontrollable and unwelcome. After all the years that had passed, he had never been able to let go, something that infuriated him to no end but he had thought that he could at least go on with everyday life, pretending there wasn't something missing.

But something _was_ missing and he was changed and all Kanda wanted was for it to go back to how it was before he had run from Allen at the restaurant. He wanted to be able to remember that smile without the mar of darkness lingering behind it, without seeing pain and loneliness tugging at the edges of the younger boy's full lips. He wanted to recall those wide, clear grey eyes without the blemish that life had left in their depths. What could have happened, he wondered, that had been so terrible Allen had lost his bright joy? The dark haired boy doubted that it was simply because he had left Allen so if that wasn't it, what was it? The worse part about asking those questions to himself over and over in his mind as he stood at the window and thought about how stunning his childhood friend had become, was that he found himself desperately wanting to know the answers.

Somewhere inside of himself, the part that was still the nine year old boy who had been forced to leave his best friend behind, wanted to go back and hunt Allen down, even if it was just to see his face again. It shouldn't be too hard because it seemed the younger man had tried all the doors in an attempt to get back into the restaurant in order to see Kanda; which meant even after being thrown out of the building, he had wanted to see the dark haired man badly enough to risk having someone call the cops. It made his heart stutter in his chest for reasons he didn't understand and hope to flicker to life somewhere within him, casting a pale glow in the surrounding darkness. And then he would remember that broken smile and he would freeze up, entire body turning cold once again.

Yes, he probably could find Allen again but what could he say? They had parted without a goodbye after several months of being the closest of friends. How did he face that and come out on the other side unscathed? He didn't want to show any more weakness and he was afraid of what he might do if he was faced with Allen and his shattered smiles. It probably would be for the best if they didn't see one another while he was there and as soon as the pale haired teen went back home, he could breathe easier. As soon as he thought that, though, there was a sharp pain in his chest and he had to press his forehead against the cool glass of the window pane in an attempt to quell his sudden dizziness. Perhaps it would be better never to see Allen again but it surely hurt like hell.

Kanda had run to the very back of the locker room, pressing himself into the corner and burying his face in his hands, which had been shaking like leaves in a storm and trying to steady his uneven breaths. Shock had burned through his veins like a fuzzy white light, making it hard for him to think clear thoughts for long moments. Allen's face had been so desolate when he had looked over his shoulder while being escorted back out of the kitchen and the look mirrored the roiling emotions tumbling about within the dark haired boy. Allen was _there_, in that very building, the boy he had been missing for years and he had _run away_. It was too much, too soon and he didn't know what to make of it. The two sides of himself warred with each other, the first, larger part wanting to go back out there and snatch the younger boy's hand and take him away, never letting him go again. The second, more rational part told him that Allen was most likely not the same person he had known and probably would just go away after this to never be heard from again. He had to go back home after all, and Kanda would only be hurt when that time came, as it surely would.

And in his confused mess, he couldn't move, sliding down the wall and huddling in the back of the room for long moments, fighting for his composure back. Only Allen had ever cracked through to his emotions underneath his prickly surface, even all these years later. It wasn't until Angela came back to find him that he finally lifted his head from the spot on the floor he was staring at, thoughts of his lost best friend still whirling in his mind. She had put her hands on her hips and fixed him with such a sharp gaze that it seemed like she could almost see right through him.

"Ok, so what the fuck was that all about?" it felt like such a normal occurrence, with her looking at him like that, using that stance while demanding things from him he had nearly laughed. That was what he would like to know. What the fuck was that, indeed. He scrubbed a weary hand through his bangs and looked away from the girl, a frown marring his brow.

"Not much," his voice had been curt and he had hoped that she would take the hint and go away but for as long as he had known her, Angela would hound something to death until she got what she wanted. It was one of the reasons he had given in and just accepted her presence because her persistence was enough to drive anyone crazy. She had huffed at his answer and flopped onto the bench right in front of him, leaning forward enough so that their eyes were level. Hers were pale and serious, lacking their normal mischievous glint, though why that should be he didn't know.

"Bullshit. You look like you're about to cry and when you first saw that kid, you went so white I thought we were going to have to drag out a stretcher. So. Who is he?" Kanda looked away from her again, frown deepening but he knew he would answer. He had never told anyone about Allen before but everything felt so close to the surface, as if all of his thoughts danced on the backs of his eyes so that everyone could see them. It was hard to talk about something that he had kept to himself for so long, though, and he honestly didn't even know where to start. It didn't help that he couldn't get the sound of Allen's soothing tenor out of his head or the way those big, cerulean eyes had only become more beautiful with time.

"He…we were very good friends…a long time ago. I haven't seen him since I left without notice or a goodbye. I…didn't know he was going to be here," his words sounded pathetic even to his own ears and he ground to a halt, staring down at the tops of his hands that were clenched over his drawn up knees. Angela was quiet for long moments, until he thought she wasn't going to answer but when he looked at her, the sharp green eyes had turned thoughtful.

"You guys were just friends?" she finally asked, head cocked to the side and he leveled a glare at her, causing her to lift her hands as if she was surrendering, "I'm just saying, there seemed to be a little more to all of that than just a broken friendship," the words had his stupid, weak heart stumbling all over itself and it took him a minute to compose himself so that he didn't blurt out something foolish.

"What do you mean by that?" he'd demanded because what he thought she meant was impossible. They had been much too young for that and while it might have led to that someday if they had stayed together, they had only been given one warm, shining summer together.

"I'm just saying, samurai, that your boy seemed a little desperate for it to have just been friendship. The only people who look like that are those who have already lost their hearts," her pronouncement, spoken in a soft, calm voice that he had never really heard her use slammed against him, like he had been kicked in the teeth and the air in the room seemed to be trying to strangle him.

"W-we were just kids!" he finally rasped, clearing his throat because it sounded as if someone had stuck a burning poker down it, "I was nine and he was only six! I've just…well, it doesn't matter anymore, does it? He's going to go back home and I'll never have to see him again," the bleak statement even had him cringing, the lie in it so obvious it grated and Angela looked at him closely, her arms now crossed over her chest. He didn't like the unhappy expression in her eyes nor the way she looked like she pitied him.

"Kanda, you might have been kids then but whatever it was you had was definitely stronger than friendship. I may have a shitty love life but I know what it looks like when I see it. You may not have forgotten about him and he definitely hasn't forgotten about you," he couldn't look at her, couldn't let her see the sudden leap of hope that emblazoned through him because it didn't mean that because one girl said it, it was true. And wasn't it a revelation that he _wanted_ it to be true, "Don't let him leave without talking to him or you'll definitely regret it," more might have been said but Jack had stormed in then, his face as dark as thunder clouds and he had towered over Kanda with fury burning in every line of his body.

"Your little stunt today was unacceptable," he started without preamble and Kanda had stood up, not wanting to be at such a disadvantage. It was bad enough the older man's bulk made him somewhat intimidating; he didn't need the added advantage of height, "I cannot have my waiters tearing through the dining room where customers are trying to eat their dinner and then to bring one of them back into the kitchen, creating such a disturbance several meals were ruined because everyone was distracted," he was breathing heavily through his nose, reminding Kanda of an enraged bull and he listened quietly, knowing it was better not to say anything when Jack got like this. It was better to shut up and take it. Angela, on the other hand, didn't seem to share his thoughts.

"Sir, he hardly _brought_ the guy into the kitchen…" Jack rounded on her, face set and Kanda knew then the outcome of this confrontation. They had been butting heads for weeks now, ever since he had turned the older man down and it seemed it was all about to come to a head. For some reason, he couldn't find it in himself to care.

"Shut up, girl. Go back to where you're supposed to be or do I have to assign you to dishes for a month?" the blond girl threw Kanda an apologetic look and Jack one last, defiant glare but she went. He didn't really blame her; getting stuck on dishes sucked. When his boss turned back around, he was ready for the heavy weight of the man's resentment and anger, "You had the place in an uproar and then, to top it off, you disappeared without getting someone to cover your tables. Not to mention that we lost customers because of your little stunt. I don't care how good of a waiter you are, you…" Kanda calmly unpinned his name tag and reached around to untie his apron, suddenly extremely steady. Everything came down to the little actions and the way Jack had trailed off in the middle of his speech, face dark with surprise and suspicion.

"You don't have to say it. I quit. I am sorry for the disturbance tonight," he dragged up his formal Japanese upbringing and bowed stiffly, "Excuse me," and that had been all. He had snatched his bag with his clothes and walked out the back way, unwilling to face everyone else. And though it felt good to leave the older man standing there, staring after him in shock, he was furious. He'd never gotten fired from a job before, not once because while he might not have the greatest personality, he was a quick learner and did his job as best he could, never slacking off and making a minimum amount of mistakes. It was hard enough finding jobs in the first place and he hated having to replace them, unless they were seasonal or the establishment went out of business. What had happened that day was just an illustration of what happened when emotions got involved. Everything always got fucked up.

By the time dawn rolled around, Kanda was striding across the sand of the beach, shedding most of his clothes as he approached the roiling water. It was a cool, cloudy day, matching his dark mood perfectly and he welcomed the high cresting of the choppy waves, greeting them with a hard, half-smile. Inside he was in chaos, indecision weighing him down until he could barely think straight. On one hand, if Angela had been right and the reason he and Allen were still so drawn to each other was because of things much deeper than friendship, he should probably at least talk to the younger boy, get to know him again, find out if it was real or just built up upon brittle childhood memories and perhaps mend that pitiful smile. But then he would think about what would happen when Allen went back home and he was left alone again or if there was nothing left between them anymore after all. Or if there was but they lost each other again somewhere along the way. And besides, clearly the other boy has other people in his life. How would Kanda fit among all of that? It all just battered madly about within his skull until he was driven to the water so that its cool embrace might help reorganize his thoughts again.

Once he got past the waves, where the water was smoother and calmer, he started swimming towards the Point and the small lighthouse jutting up from the rocks there, arms cutting smoothly through the gentle swells. It was repetitive and the motion and the glide of the water over his skin slowly eased his turmoil, wrapping it all up in a hazy veil and pushing it towards the back of his mind so that he thought he could easily forget about it, at least for the time being.

By the time he was stepping back onto shore, people were starting to wander down onto the sand, though it was still much too early for the lifeguards, and he had come to a decision.

Everything had been going perfectly fine until he saw Allen again. He'd had two good jobs and no one to attach any worries or emotions to, doing what he needed to do and living his life peacefully. As soon as the pale haired boy walked back into his life, all wide eyes and beautiful smile, everything began to break apart and he couldn't do this a second time. As it was he had to go looking for another job or he wouldn't be able to afford to keep his room. Allen would be gone soon and he wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. So it would only make sense just to not see the other boy again. No sense in getting attached and having his hopes raised for nothing.

Allen had not been in his life for nearly twelve years and he would not be making a reappearance. Not if Kanda had his way.

And yet, as he walked back towards the hotel so he could get ready for work, the sharp pain in his chest was back, stabbing him until it was almost difficult to draw a breath.

He didn't know, at that time, just how much he needed Allen, broken smile and all…

_**To be continued...**_


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Well, home again *sad face* Oh, I love it there so much, I always hate coming back home. *sob* anyway, thank you all for waiting so patiently. I have been working so hard on this story that I'm just happy that it's almost done. One more part and an epilogue need to be written and I can move on (finally!) Thanks for all the reviews! I came home and I was like o.O yay! You guys made my day! So, here's the next part. Enjoy!

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_There had always been one thing that Allen had always hated about summer, something that had never improved with time no matter how he tried to get over his fear. He had never really been able to swim well. When he _did_ go in the water, whether it was in pools or lakes, he always made sure he could touch the ground with his toes and he didn't fool around with his friends, who knew not to try and dunk him or throw him into the deep end. It wasn't really because he _couldn't. _He knew that if he tried hard enough he would become proficient at it, at least enough where he wouldn't panic and sink to the bottom. But the fear seemed to be ingrained within him, something that he had never been able to overcome even after all the lessons and the gentle encouragement of his friends. _

_He couldn't remember where it had come from; he didn't even know about it until he tried swimming for the first time when he was six. _

_The day had been hot, one of the hottest ones they'd had that summer and even his child's constitution, which had seemed impervious to pretty much everything from extreme temperatures to fatigue, couldn't hold up against the sharp blaze of the sun. It was still early when he and Kanda, who had been in the process of building a tree fort in the Field's back yard, had been forced into the deep shade of the screened deck, practically melting into puddles upon the cool wooden floor. They had lain there for nearly an hour, head to head and close enough that all Allen had to do was turn his head and he could feel the ebony hair tickling his nose, lazily watching the fan spinning above their heads. Usually they weren't lazy kids, finding something to keep them occupied for all hours of the day; some of the games even lasted through the nights when they slept over each other's houses. Yet there were times, like this one, where they could be still in each other's company and not need to fill the silence with mundane things. _

_He could remember thinking that Kanda smelled of sunshine and cool, clear skies every time he turned his head discreetly so that the older boy would not notice. The fan was blowing in the perfect direction and he lost himself in the contentment induced by being in his friend's company. Being so young, his attraction to the dark haired boy was completely guileless but he noticed things about Kanda that he never really noticed about anyone else. Like the way the older boy smelled or how he tended to roll his eyes rather than smile but the corner of his lips would curl upwards anyway or how his eyelashes, black as soot, tended to catch the sunlight when the deep blue eyes were closed, reflecting it and gleaming all different colors. He liked the way Kanda's skin looked like bronze in the sun and how his hair swayed gently when he walked and how his voice sharpened when he was angry, his eyes turning the many faceted colors of the sky. If he were older, it would mean something entirely different but he noticed all of things because it was Kanda and the older boy was important to him in the way being an only friend could be. _

_In Allen's young, limited world, his best friend was everything, so naturally he would adore everything about that person. It would only be later when such musings would lead to something deeper, something that ran far past the simple bounds of friendship. _

"_I wish we could go out and finish the tree house but it's too hot," he'd complained after a while, finding himself still full of energy yet unwilling to move because of the heat. Usually the older boy either ignored him when he whined or told him that he should just shut up because it never got anyone anything but that day he had remained quiet, his dark blue eyes fixed upon the ceiling. Even at nine he was very pretty and Allen was quietly admiring the sharp profile while trying to ignore the heavy heat that made sweat trickle down the back of his neck when the older boy turned his head to look at him. They were incredibly close, the tips of their noses almost touching before Kanda's face brightened in a smile and he sat up quickly, obviously excited about whatever sudden thought had just hit him. _

"_I know! We can go down to the lake! The water is cool and nobody really knows about it so we'll have it all to ourselves!" Kanda never really showed his excitement too often but when he did Allen was more than happy to share it with him. And he did too, sitting up and grinning himself because the prospect sounded wonderful. They could have fun and remain cool; there was nothing not to be excited about. Especially since he had never been swimming before and he had always wanted to. Yet for some reason, as they picked themselves off the floor and raced through the house to ask permission, there was a dark niggling of doubt crawling through his mind. It didn't make any sense and he tried to ignore it because he _wanted_ to be excited and he certainly wasn't about to ruin Kanda's fun for a strange sense of unease that his young mind couldn't make any sense of. _

_So, once having garnered permission from the Fields and then Manna who was visiting Kanda's house that day, they tore from the house and out across the yard, heading for the promise of new discoveries and adventures. Despite the strange feeling still slithering around in his chest, Allen had felt very warm and light, like he could spread wings and take flight and it was all because of Kanda. Just before they had left, Manna had looked at the two of them, brimming over with excitement and he had turned to the older boy with a sparkle in his eye. _

"_You can go on one condition. Allen has never gone swimming before so you have to promise to keep an eye on him, alright?" the request had made the pale haired boy pout, feeling stupid and small but Kanda had just puffed up his chest and lifted his chin, eyes bright with conviction. _

"_I'll always protect him. Nothing bad will ever happen to him," he had stared at the older boy, mouth open in surprise, not sure if he should be protesting about needing to be protected or elated that the older boy would be there to keep him safe. Yet before he could say anything, Kanda had turned to him and caught his hand, eyes wide and earnest. In that moment he had been able to swallow any protest he might have had and clung back on the older boy's hand as hard as he could, beaming up at him. Kanda had smiled then, one of his rare, genuine smiles that were filled with warmth and it was like the sun was shining in that little cottage kitchen, "Come on!" and Allen had allowed himself to be towed from the house, practically spilling over with happiness. If Kanda promised it then that's what it would be. _

_The lake was actually a natural spring and was located outside the town limits, surrounded by shaded woods and kept secluded from everything but the deer and the soft, whispering breeze. It wasn't very big but it remained untouched by algae and was clear most of the year, perfect for swimming. It was hedged in by trees on all sides except for a small little strip upon which grew soft grass, still short enough that it only brushed their ankles as they dashed through it, unleashing many kinds of flying creatures that shimmered and sparked in the bright sunlight. Kanda began stripping off his clothes immediately, dark hair swirling around him and eyes intent on the gently rippling water, not stopping until he was completely naked. Then he threw Allen a challenging look and leaped straight into the water. _

_The younger boy could still remember the pang of anxiety he felt when he saw the dark head disappear with a splash and he held his breath until Kanda surfaced smoothly, water dripping from his eyelashes and chin. Only then did he sigh in relief, not even caring when the older boy eyed him with impatience. _

"_Well, come on, moyashi. What are you waiting for?" it was a good enough encouragement for Allen and he gracelessly shed his clothes, blushing a little when he met the dark eyes that were watching him closely. Kanda lifted one eyebrow and the pale haired boy took a deep breath before stepping up to the edge of the water and peering into its depths. The water was dark and it looked deep, too deep to stand in but the older boy looked like he wasn't having any problems and Allen wasn't about to be out done. So he took a deep breath, closed his eyes and leaped._

_When he looked back on it, there were many number of things that led to the near disaster that took place that day, his innate fear not withstanding. The water was much too deep for a beginner swimmer and he doubted Manna would have let him go if he had known; and Allen just wasn't ready for the shock of having nothing under his feet when the cool water closed in over his head. But there had been something else, too, something more as he struggled and waved his arms, failing madly in his desperation to reach the surface, panicking closing in on his mind and making it impossible to think. _

_He couldn't breathe and he couldn't find his way up but worse of all was the sound of screaming in his ears, even though he knew that sound traveled differently in the water than it did through the air. Screaming and pleading, all in a woman's voice, as phantom hands held him beneath the surface where darkness closed in around him. All the while he was dragged deeper and deeper, fighting not to give in to his lungs' painful pleas for air. _

_Then a shadow crossed his vision and something strong and reassuring caught his arm, hauling him towards the surface. The nightmares were buried back under the surface of his consciousness once more and just as he was about to take in a gulp of water, unable to hold his breath anymore, his head broke through the water's surface. Air spiraled down his throat and eased the burning in his lungs, making him choke and gasp for long minutes, the darkness slowly easing from his eyes. The sun was dazzling and the air so pure that he couldn't stop taking deep breaths of it, even though the desperate need for it had dissipated. It wasn't until his back was touching dry land did he realize there was an arm curled firmly around his waist and a solid presence at his side. Allen coughed a couple more times and turned his head to look at the boy who had saved him, kneeling beside him on the grass. _

"_Kanda…" it was barely more than a breath because it seemed he still needed all of his air to remain in his lungs for the time being but the intense look in the deep blue eyes as they peered down at him needed to be erased. The sound of his voice seemed to shake Kanda out of whatever stupor he had been in and he bowed his head, his entire body sagging in relief. His dark hair dripped cool water onto the younger boy's face and his knuckles were white where he clenched them on his thighs. It wasn't until Allen managed to sit up and shift closer, peering under the shadow of the dark haired boy's bangs that he saw his eyes were glazed over with unshed tears. Surprised, he reached out a small hand and touched the bigger boy's cheek, making Kanda close his eyes. Two tears splashed onto his outstretched arm, warm and clear; it would be the only time he ever saw his friend cry. _

"_Don't…don't ever do that a-again…moyashi…" the way he'd said Allen's pet name was almost like a prayer and the younger boy, not entirely understanding the situation still skittered as close as he could and leaned into the older boy, wrapping his short arms around Kanda's slender chest. _

"_I'm sorry," he had whispered, pressing his face into bare bronze skin that smelled of water and earth, not caring that he hadn't done anything wrong. Kanda lifted his arms and held the younger boy tightly for a long time, the two of them shivering as the water dried on their bodies. The sun couldn't warm them quickly enough and when they parted enough to look at one another, the slanted blue gaze was one again dry but filled with remembered terror. _

"_You weren't coming back up…" Kanda said softly, eyes flickering all over the younger boy's face as if he was confirming Allen was still real and in front of him, "I thought that…don't…I can't…" and he finally gave up, simply yanking the smaller boy close again and burying his face in the damp pale hair. Nothing else had been said and they dressed again after that in silence, Kanda aiding the younger boy even if Allen didn't really need help. Then the older boy lifted him onto his back and carried him all the way home, his strength warm and unyielding and _safe_. Allen had let him, hearing the echoes of screams in his head and taking comfort in the way the older boy's dark hair felt pressed against his small face. _

_After that they only went to the lake where Allen could reach the bottom and never ventured back into those woods again but even if they did, he knew that the older boy would not hesitate to protect his friend. _

_And then he had disappeared and shattered his own promise by hurting Allen worst of all. _

_*0*0*0*0*_

Allen had made up his mind.

During that sleepless night when he stayed in that window seat and fell asleep only when the sun peeked out over the tops of the row of houses across the street, he had thought about Kanda and what it would mean never to see the older boy again. By the dawn began to turn the sky silver, he knew with crystal clarity what he needed to do.

He would find Kanda and make him stay around long enough so that he could talk to him. All he wanted was to be close to his childhood friend again; he wanted what they used to have, wanted to see what it could become, what it should have evolved into if the dark haired boy had not left. But most of all, he wanted to ask _why._ Why had he left without saying goodbye and why was he running away now? Determination burned like molten steel in his veins and though he had only gotten a few hours of sleep curled up on the hard window seat in the most uncomfortable position imaginable, his head felt clear and he knew that he would be willing to do anything, just for a chance. If Kanda wanted to keep running, then Allen was going to chase him until he couldn't run anymore.

Only Tykki sat at the table as he made his way into the kitchen for breakfast, a newspaper spread out in front of him and a cup of coffee billowing white steam into his face. The house seemed rather quiet without the constant commotion of six added teenagers and he looked out the front window in confusion, wondering where everyone was. He wondered if they had all gone out without him, though he wouldn't have minded if they had left them behind. He wasn't planning on spending the day in their company anyway. The older man's dark gaze was on him, bright with amusement as he took a sip from his mug and Allen was about to ask where everyone had gone when Tykki beat him to it.

"If you're wondering where everyone is, the answer is still in bed. You're the first one up," pale eyebrows shot up his forehead, disappearing under the fall of his hair and Allen looked around at the clock on the stove to find that it was indeed only seven thirty. No one else would be awake for a little while longer and he was glad for it. As much as he liked his friends, it was nice not to have their constant chattering buzzing around his head. At home the house he and his guardian shared was usually rather quiet and he only hung out with his friends for a few hours at a time once or twice a week. He wasn't used to being in the company of so many people all day long every day.

"Oh. I thought it was a lot later that that," he responded lamely and the older man shot him a small smile over the rim of his cup. There was a short, awkward pause in which Tykki had gone back to his paper and he didn't know what else to say before the sense of purpose that had filled him during the mostly sleepless night surged up within him again, "Do you mind if I make everyone breakfast?" his voice cut through the stillness of the room and the dark haired man lifted his eyes again in surprise. When Tykki shook his head, he set out getting all the ingredients for making scrambled eggs for eight people, grateful there were plenty of eggs because the twins ate enough food for ten people. It wasn't until he was pouring the whipped eggs into the heating pan that he noticed the older man had abandoned his paper for the time being and was sitting back on his chair, arms crossed as he watched the pale haired teen work.

"So you're going to go after him, then," it wasn't a question but because of its abruptness, it took him a moment to figure out what Tykki meant and then he looked away, face feeling hot. He liked the man well enough but he didn't know him very well and while he didn't mind anyone knowing, it was difficult to talk about such things to people when he was so used to keeping them trapped safely inside his own heart.

"Um, y-yeah. How could you tell?" the dark gaze was unreadable when he looked over his shoulder and it was accompanied by another small smile, this one secretive and full of hidden shadows.

"I can read people very well, Allen and it was easy to see the conviction in your eyes when last night there was only doubt," the was a strange answer but for some reason it made him feel more at ease. He scraped the spatula on the bottom of the pan, shifting the eggs around that were just beginning to cook and shot his own lopsided smile over his shoulder at the older man.

"Is that you're secret at being such a successful business man?" the question was cheeky and said with a playful smile but he was actually rather curious. No one really knew what Tykki did for a living, not even Road and it was always a big mystery. He claimed that he was in the stock business but what kind he would never say and it had become a running joke. The older man lowered his eyebrows and smirked.

"Maybe. But you're avoiding the subject," they shared a few seconds mirth; Allen laughing and ducking his head over the pan and Tykki chuckling into his coffee but he knew he would answer the unspoken question. Not that he had really been avoiding it in the first place. One thing that he did know about Road's older brother was that no one denied him anything he wanted. For whatever reason, he had taken an interest in Allen's plight and was offering some advice. It was a nice change of pace from Cross's gruff personality. Allen's guardian might have affection but he was not one to offer advice. He watched as their breakfast smoked in the pan, becoming less runny over the heat and the smile slowly slid off his face.

"We were really good friends when we were young," he finally murmured softly, swirling the spatula around in the now mostly cooked eggs absently, "It was only for a few months, in the summer when I was six but…have you ever felt like there was someone you could spend the rest of your life with and never get tired of them and only wish you could be with them even more?" it sounded lame when spoken out loud but Tykki hadn't moved his gaze away and his mouth was no longer smiling. When their eyes met, he saw understanding in the dark gaze. A wave of relief hit him and he sighed, looking away out the back door that stood open in hopes to capture some salt-scented breeze, "That's how I feel about Kanda," silence filled the room after that and he moved the pan to the table once the eggs were finished just as he heard the first stirrings of wakefulness on the floor above. When he sat down across from the older man, the dark eyes were still watching him thoughtfully.

"Can I ask you what you'll do if he keeps turning you away?" the older man asked, tone muted and Allen kept his gaze steady, suddenly grateful that their conversation was about to be cut off by whoever was padding softly down the steps.

"He won't. I won't let him," and that was all he managed to say before Lenalee and Road both entered the kitchen, both still in their pajamas and looking slightly rumpled from sleep. He greeted them both with a smile, giving no hint to the conversation he and Tykki had been having, helping them when they offered to set the table and make toast. But when he glanced at the older man, he found the dark eyes still watching, thoughtful and full of respect. And after everyone had trickled down from their respective beds and they were cleaning up, Lavi pulled him into the living room and handed him a set of keys.

"Here. Tykki said to give these to you," they fell into his palm with a metallic clank and he blinked at them, realizing they were the keys to the car. The red head's single visible eye glittered when Allen looked at him in confusion, mischievous and bright, "He told me what you said about this mysterious guy and you need to go show him who's boss. So, here's the key to the car. You can take it since we won't really need it today and if you come back without him, I'm going to kick your ass," he blinked at his friend before bursting into laughter. Lavi was crazy and obnoxious but he was a good person underneath it all.

"Thanks, Lavi. I owe you guys one," the emerald eye became shadowed and the older boy's smile sharpened, an expression Allen had only seen when he was plotting something. Usually, it didn't always mean well for the other person.

"Yeah, you do. A very long, detailed explanation," he took the pale haired boy by the shoulders and began to steer him towards the front door as Allen looked at him in alarm, "And pretty boy comes to dinner before we go back home. Since we didn't get one last night," Lavi waggled his eyebrow before pushing Allen out the door, winking jauntily at him and slamming the door shut. He stood on the porch for a second, shocked before it melted into more laughter. Sometimes he just didn't get his friend. Then he remembered the keys in his hands and he sprang off the porch, sprinting towards the large SUV, anticipation hissing through is veins like fire.

If it took him every last single minute of his vacation searching, he would find Kanda and he would make the older boy _look_ at him.

The first thing he tried was walking into each and every little shop, inn or food establishment, asking the people who worked at them if they knew a person by Kanda's description. He could very well not even live on the island and only drove there at night to work in the restaurant but it was worth a try. Allen would have gone back to the Lobster House itself but he was told not to come back and it wasn't open during the day anyway. He had a little luck at the local food market, where several of the checkout woman recognized the description but they couldn't offer him any other information more than the boy with the long black hair and pretty face shopped there once a week, usually on Fridays and bought a lot of vegetables. Allen had walked out of there ruffling his hair in frustration because today was only Monday and he could hardly wait around at the food market waiting for Kanda to eventually show up.

The girl in the café at the corner of one of the main roads knew instantly who he was talking about, her eyes going dreamy as she told him about the gorgeous boy who had been coming in every morning for a cup of tea and a scone for the past three summers. Allen had tried his hardest not to strangle the crush out of her or inform her that Kanda was, on no uncertain circumstances, off limits, managing a flat smile and a polite thank you. Despite her obsession with the dark haired boy, though, she couldn't tell him where he was staying or where he usually spent his day.

"He doesn't talk much. Just comes in, pays for his order and walks out. Kind of the brooding type, you know?" she leaned on the counter and sighed, making the pale haired teen almost gag, "So sexy," seeing that she would be of no help, he practically fled the café to get away from the girl's sickening expression and wandered across the street to the huge hotel that took up nearly the entire block. Allen felt small walking into it, its huge, L shaped structure looming over the road and the steady stream of patrons and sightseers walking through the doors. The inside lobby was large and welcoming and filled with little fragments of history, telling of the hotel's age. He couldn't help but look around as he made his way to the front desk, intrigued by the black and white pictures that lined the hall. A young man greeted him, ginger hair combed neatly back from his handsome face, though it looked like it would riot all around his head when it was not held down by gel. His smile was warm and his eyes traveled over Allen in obvious interest.

"Good afternoon," the man behind the desk had a smooth, silky voice and the pale haired teen could feel himself flushing slightly at his blatant attention, "How can I help you?" the words sounded more like an invitation than anything else and he wondered if—Allen glanced at the shiny name tag pinned to his shirt—Rob always flirted shamelessly with good-looking guests. It was more annoying than anything else but he stood a good chance getting more information this way if the other man knew anything. So Allen leaned against the counter and smiled back, feeling slightly stupid because he had never flirted to get something he wanted. It went against his honest nature and made him feel slightly slimy. But he had already promised that he would do anything to get Kanda back and if that meant making desk boys think they were going to get something out of him, then so be it.

"Hi. I was wondering if you could help me find someone," it sounded a lot like a pick up line and though he hadn't done it on purpose, Rob fell for it just as Allen had hoped. He leaned forward a little bit, hazel eyes twinkling as if they were playing a game. Little did he know that the pale haired teen's intentions had nothing to do with him at all.

"Well, what kind of someone are you looking for? Maybe I can help you out," his smile had become little more than a smirk and Allen gave his most innocent, sparkling smile back.

"His name is Kanda Yuu. He's tall, long black hair, prickly attitude. Could you tell me where I might find him?" the man behind the desk did not seem to be expecting that and he had leaned back again as Allen talked before his face darkened, lips turning down in bitter contempt. It was a rather surprising transformation and he wondered if maybe Kanda had turned this guy down too. Considering the ugly way anger had twisted his features, it must not have been very pretty.

"Him?" Rob practically snarled, voice tight and Allen blinked in surprise at the amount of animosity this man felt towards Kanda, "Well, I can't give out any information on guests or employees, past or current so you're wasting your time. I suggest you go bother someone else," it was a complete turnaround from his earlier flirting and Allen took a step back or risk being burned to a crisp by the dark glare. Instead of making him back off, however, the other man only seemed to stoke the shining hope he had been carrying around with him in his chest, making him feel like he was filled with sunlight.

"But that means you know him!" he blurted in his excitement, feeling as if he was getting somewhere and earned himself an incredulous look as if Rob thought he was stupid, "I just want to know where he is. He's a good friend of mine but I can't seem to locate him," he didn't want to get discouraged by the brunette's less than helpful attitude but he knew he was probably going to get nowhere, considering how much the man behind the desk seemed to dislike the subject matter. He had crossed his arms over his chest and was regarding Allen now was if he would like nothing better than to spit on him.

"Some friend he is, not telling you how to find him. Unless you would like to make a reservation or are checking in, I have to ask you to _please. Leave_." Allen didn't have to be told twice. He shrugged and left the building, feeling those cold hazel eyes following him all the way out of the door. Despite his protests, though, Rob had told him one thing. Kanda either stayed, worked or used to work at the hotel which, meant there might be someone else around that would be willing to talk to him. At least it was a start but if the older boy didn't want for Allen to find him, he probably wasn't going to, not without a lot of effort.

Allen set his jaw as he stepped out from the hotel and paused on the sidewalk, looking across the street to where the sea wall hid the ocean from view. On top of the wall people walked along the wide concrete path, which was aptly named the Promenade, hair and clothes snagged by the steady, hungry wind tearing in off the water, unconcerned with the world around them that existed outside their own troubles and concerns. For a moment he was envious of them, wondering if their problems were more ordinary and easier to solve. But then he realized they were just a different set of problems and wouldn't seem any easier if they were his. Besides, he wouldn't give up another chance with Kanda even if the entire world was handed to him on a silver platter; even if he could bring back Manna from the afterlife.

It was a beautiful day, the sun playing hide and seek behind puffs of pure white clouds and the air was filled with the squabbling of seagulls as they flapped and dove through the sky. For a while Allen wandered the long concrete walkway, checking the shops along the beach, stopping for a late lunch only when he thought he would fall over from hunger. He found a bench along the Promenade on which to eat, watching the glitter of the sun upon the water and pondering where he could look next. He had tried all of the shops in town, all of the hotels and inns on the most popular streets and all of the stores that lined the street which ran parallel with the beach. So far only a few people knew who he was talking about but they either didn't know where they could find the dark haired boy or they were reluctant to say. A lot of that had to do with their distrust of Allen's appearance. He knew that his hair and the tattoo over his eye made him look like some kind of delinquent and it made people who didn't know him more wary of him. Even when he was nothing less than friendly and unassuming, sometimes that didn't break through the initial distrust.

An idea came to him as he was finishing off the large plate of greasy funnel cake and he licked white, powdered sugar off his fingers before heading back to where he had parked the car. It was something he didn't think was very prudent to try but he was getting nowhere on his own so he decided that it was time to illicit someone else's help. Today was quickly drawing to a fruitless close and he only had one more day to look before he had to go home and he refused to accept leaving empty handed; or at least unsuccessful.

The Lobster House was nearly deserted when he pulled in but the employee parking lot was starting to fill up. Opening time was still an hour off but he parked the car down the street and waited at a spot where all the cars would have to pass him and where he could see the drivers of each one. His heart beat uncomfortably loud in his chest, unsteady with the thought of seeing Kanda again. He had no idea what he would say to him yet to make him stay but he hoped that the words would come to him when he needed them. Even as a kid Kanda had been impatient and caustic but he had been kinder to young Allen, more so than he had ever been to any of the other kids they used to play with sometimes. The older boy might not feel anything anymore and may just want him to go away but he doubted it; if that had been the case, he wouldn't have run. But what could he say, after all these years without sounding like an idiot or the stalker he was in danger of becoming?

He must have gotten lost in his thoughts because he didn't notice the dark haired girl with pale green eyes until she plopped beside him on the short wall he had planted himself on, one hand shading her face as she looked at him. Her smile was just shy of friendly and she looked like a dangerous opponent to tangle with, if she had come to warn him off. At first he couldn't figure out why she had come over to sit with him, though he thought her eyes were vaguely familiar.

"Hey there," she greeted with a heavy southern drawl that made him think of sugar and cinnamon, "You're the kid from last night," he blinked and then realized she had been the one he stopped during his desperate dash through the restaurant kitchen. Suddenly feeling very foolish, he rubbed the back of his neck and laughed awkwardly, holding out his free hand in greeting.

"Yeah. I'm Allen. Sorry about the scene I made last night. I'm usually not like that," the girl took his hand and shook it, her grip strong and confident and he found himself liking her immediately. There was nothing shy about her, not even in the way she returned his laugh with a small, accepting nod or in the way she unapologetically chewed her gum, every motion she made looking like she meant to make it, even if it was unconsciously done. Now she looked at him carefully, her face still pleasant but he could tell she was ready to shift, to become a lion if she needed to. It was a strange thing to notice about someone but it was the only way he could describe the way he saw her.

"I'm Angela. Nice to formally meet you," and her grin belied her sarcasm, making him laugh despite himself. Then she tilted her head to the side and gave him a deep, considering look, "You're here for Kanda," it wasn't a question and his heart leapt in his throat like it was trying to make an escape, leaving him feeling slightly breathless. Hope surged in him, followed closely by relief. Maybe she wouldn't tell him much, just like everyone else but she at least knew more than all of the others.

"Yes," he breathed, "yes, I've been looking for him all day but I haven't had any luck. Did you know there were so many stores in this town?" he laughed nervously but it fell flat when Angela simply snapped her gum and gazed at him steadily, eyebrows raised slightly as if to say, _Is that the best you can do?_ He sighed and scrubbed his hand through his hair, frustration from the day making him feel weary and annoyed, "I just want to talk to him…just want to see him…" his voice sounded pathetic even to his own ears but when he looked up from the tops of his sneakers, he found the pale green gaze watching him as intently as Tykki's had that morning.

"What is he to you, that you are so desperate to see him?" she asked, glancing away to examine her nails as if she was bored. It was just a front, he knew because her nails were short and even, bare of polish and decoration and she was still looking at him from under her hair. He took a deep breath and looked away, out into the small harbor where a large yacht was pulling in, two men hauling on ropes as her side scraped gently against the wooden docks.

"Right now? Nothing really. We used to be very good friends when we were young. But…I think that…I know that there can be more. If I could just make him stand still and _talk_ to me," the last words came out as a growl but he did not think those were the ones the dark haired girl had heard. Her entire face as softened in the middle of his explanation and now she was looking at him with something close to an elated smile.

"Yeah, he can be stubborn like that, can't he?" her eyes were sparkling and he sat up a little straighter, looking at her with renewed hope, "Alright, Allen, I believe you. It's about time that boy got laid anyway," she said it with an absent kind of glee, making the pale haired teen blush so violently his ears stung but before he could say anything she was barreling on, her accent thick with enthusiasm, "He never really talked much about himself but I know that he works as a lifeguard on the beach during the day and he lives in one of the big hotels on the beach, though I'm not sure which one. The rest is up to you," he could have hugged her and he felt like he could shout with joy, excitement burning away the heavy hopelessness brought on by the frustrating day and she when she smiled in answer to his bright grin, there was no sharpness behind it.

"Thank you so much for your help. I would have been completely lost without you," that made her laugh for some reason, the sound of it rather pleased and she patted his shoulder before standing back up again.

"I know," she said smugly as she looked down at him, "He's a good guy and he deserves a little bit of happiness. I don't think he's had much of that in his life. Just don't hurt him, okay?" Like he could, even after Kanda had broken his heart when he was six but he didn't say that. He just stood up from his perch on the wall and agreed quietly, "Oh, and I'd like to see what his smile looks like so when you manage that, make sure you bring him back here so I can see it, okay?" it sounded so much like Kanda that Allen had to grin again, feeling warm all over. Angela waved to him, wishing him good luck and started to walk away before he remembered something.

"Is Kanda not working tonight?" he called as she was halfway through the parking lot and she looked over her shoulder, her dark hair blowing into her eyes.

"Oh, yeah. He was going to get fired so he quit. You'll have to wait to see him. Just don't give up, okay kid?" and she waved before slipping away between two tall vehicles, disappearing out of sight. Something cold trickled into Allen's heart as he turned back to his own car and he didn't quite understand what it was until he was pulling back onto the main road to make his way back to the beach. It was guilt. He didn't think of the repercussions that his headlong pursuit of the older boy last night would be. So he had gotten Kanda fired. He frowned as he merged into traffic, nearly getting taken out by an asshole in a huge pick-up truck. It would be a miracle if he could get within ten feet of his childhood friend, let alone talk with him after that. _But he didn't have to run. That's one thing I just can't figure out. Why did he _run?

This time Allen picked a bench on the Promenade right across the street from the Congress, the hotel he was at earlier where he had gotten the only intense reaction to Kanda's name, even if it had been negative. There would have been no reason for that brunette to react that way if he didn't know the prickly dark haired boy, so the only conclusion, based on what Angela had told him, it was the only place he could think of that Kanda could be.

So he waited.

The sun slipped down in the sky, becoming large and red and swollen before plunging behind the line of large Victorian houses and beachfront hotels, leaving in its wake shadows and the artificial light of the street lamps. Though there was no sign of anyone walking along the balconies of the large hotel that matched Kanda's appearance, he didn't look away. There were a couple of times he had to move because of a group of rowdy teenagers being stupid and loud but he made sure he didn't miss a single person walking in or out of that hotel. He couldn't see the back of it, obviously, but he doubted the older boy would go in that way since his door was in the front. Allen didn't know what he would do if he saw Kanda, short of taking off across two lanes of steady traffic and barging into a place he probably shouldn't be without permission but, just like with the words he didn't know how to say, he would do what he had to when the time came.

Lavi, Tykki and the rest of his friends found him sometime around nine, bringing him food and keeping him company for a while, though the twins kept running off to do God knows what, coming back laughing behind their hands and acting shifty. He ignored them for the most part because he recognized the signs that another one of their pranks had just been pulled. One of these days they were going to get arrested and, having been on the receiving end to some of them, thought it was no more than they deserved. Lenalee leaned against his shoulder and talked about the day they had spent on the beach, first in the water and then trying to get a kite into the air. Then she looked at him with a small smile.

"I told Road about the real reason why you want to see your old friend so much," she said quietly, indicating to the dark haired girl that was sitting some ways off perched on one of the railings of the wooden walkways that lead onto the beach. He looked at his friend in some confusion before it dawned on him. Road had always had a crush on him; he knew that but he had always kept her at arms distance while not addressing the issue of her crush. He'd always meant to, meant to tell her that it could never really work because his heart had always been stuck in the past and he realized by doing that, he had been unintentionally stringing her along. He worried his bottom lip, swamped with guilt and not sure what to say when Lenalee put her hand over one of his hand smiled up at him.

"Don't worry, Allen. She understands. We've never seen you look the way you did when you saw…his name is Kanda, right?" he nodded then flushed, wondering if perhaps he shouldn't have just told them all straight out the story behind his and Kanda's strange reunion.

"What did you see?" the words came out as a croak and he wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer even though he suspected he already knew it. It didn't matter that they all knew. They would have found out anyway and he didn't think it was something to hide away from. He just didn't want to look into their eyes if this thing didn't work out. Large bugs that shimmered in the light of the street lamps fluttered around, trying to get at the warm blubs and he watched them absently, feeling a lot like them, buzzing around in endless, useless circles.

"_Depth_," Lenalee answered and he realized belatedly that Miranda was sitting on the ground beside the bench, her chin resting on her knees as she listened quietly, "For the two years I've known you, Allen, that was the first time I ever saw you _passionate_ about something. So whoever this guy is, I hope you find him because you should look like that all the time," he was blushing again but he wrapped one arm around her shoulders, taking comfort from her steadfast loyalty. Of all the friend's he'd had, not including Kanda, Lenalee was most certainly the best.

"Thank you," he whispered, once again watching the small figures of people walking up and down the brightly lit balconies of the hotel across the street. He had not seen Kanda yet but he would sit there all night until he did. Everyone else seemed willing to let him have this one thing and he was beginning to believe that he might just get it after all. Finally it got too late and they all trudged home, throwing him winks and thumbs up. Tykki stopped at the bench for a moment, his hands in his pockets and a serious cast to his eyes.

"Are you coming back soon?" he asked and Allen shrugged, unwilling to relinquish his post on the bench. It would be his luck that Kanda came back right after he left and he didn't want to miss a single chance. He didn't even need to answer before the older man nodded as if he knew what the response would be all along, "The key is the silver one on the small ring when you get tired," and he walked away, hands in his pockets and held titled up as if he could see the stars that hid behind all the light from the street lampss. Allen watched them go, feeling warm from their concern and then settled back on the hard bench, not caring that he was uncomfortable or that he was running on only a couple hours of sleep and it was well past midnight.

He would watch and wait and if he didn't see Kanda that night then he would come back in the morning and try again and he would keep trying until he was successful or dead.

_I'm not letting you get away again, Kanda…not again…_

*0*0*0*0*

He looked down at the boy on the bench and tried to ignore the way his heart seemed to want to batter its way up his throat and out of his mouth. Despite the fact that he had told himself that he was to stay was far away from his childhood friend no matter what, there he was, standing right in front of the hard wooden bench the younger boy had fallen sleep on. A dozen times he told himself to move away, told himself he shouldn't be torturing himself like this but his feet seemed to have been rooted to the concrete and he couldn't lift them up to step away. Instead he stood and stared, the time trickling away as his eyes roamed over and over the planes of a face that used to be so familiar and yet had changed in inexplicable ways.

Allen had been sitting there all night and Kanda had been watching him for most of it from down the block, his hair pulled back and tucked under a hat so the younger boy wouldn't notice him at first glance. Something warm had curled around him from knowing that the pale haired boy was willing to go to such lengths to find his former friend but that didn't mean he was willing to give himself away. And as much as he told himself that watching was probably just as bad as talking to Allen because as he did, he drank in all the little things about the boy he used to know, memorizing all the ways he had changed and all the ways he had stayed the same. Of course he couldn't know all the things that had changed just from observing from a distance but Allen was most certainly not anything like the person he had been when he was younger.

One thing he noticed was that the younger boy seemed to be much more reserved. He was still friendly and would smile at anyone who he spoke with but the smiles were cut at the corners and his attention wandered when he was by himself. Kanda could remember the pale haired boy being enthusiastic about everything, taking the entire world in as if he was afraid he would miss something but that was no longer the case. It was almost like he had stopped caring about what went on around him and he was simply there to observe it rather than take part in it. It was sad to see, especially since that had been one of the things the older boy had always admired about Allen. He had been so _alive_ once and Kanda wondered what had happened to the brightness that used to shine from every pore, bathing everyone in warm light. Sometime after he had left twelve years ago, it had been snuffed out.

A soft wind blew in off the shore, ruffling Allen's hair and blowing it across his face and Kanda almost reached out to push it out of the way. The other boy looked peaceful as he lounged against the arm of the bench, his head pillowed on one arm, the familiar tattoo livid against his pale skin. His features had lengthened and broadened, losing all of its childishness and leaving behind a handsome young man with odd hair. The younger boy shifted in his sleep, lips parting slightly in a sigh and Kanda took a step back, holding his breath until Allen settled again. Only then did he relax. No matter how he might feel and how determined the younger boy might be, they couldn't have any contact. It was the best way to avoid getting attached again, which was the last thing he wanted.

It's the truth, he told himself as he tried to walk away and found he couldn't for worry over leaving the pale haired boy asleep there, out in the open and unprotected, that he didn't want to get involved with anyone again. Well, he wished it was the truth, anyway. Kanda ran his fingers through his hair and stepped around the bench so he was behind it, ready to flee as soon as Allen stirred awake while trying to get his heart to calm its rapid, frenzied beating.

"Allen. Allen, wake up," his fingers itched to shake the slender shoulder gently but he curled his hands into fists and took another step back, ignoring the temptation, "Get up, you idiot. You can't sleep here," he took a deep breath and looked away, glad that it was late enough where they were alone on the Promenade. They he closed his eyes and whispered the name that had been sitting in his memory, rusting and which he had never thought he would speak aloud again, "Moyashi…get up…" even though he barely spoke it, that seemed to do the trick and Allen lifted his head from his arm, groaning sleepily.

Kanda bolted, ducking behind a nearby hut used for bathrooms.

The concrete was hard against his back and he leaned heavily against it, feeling like a filthy coward. He could hear the younger boy muttering to himself and then cursing softly as he presumably realized what time it was and he longed to step back out into the open, wished he could figure out why he felt the need to run so strongly. He dropped his dark head into his hands and hated himself for being so weak.

He just didn't know why he was so _afraid_.

Just then he heard a pause in Allen's retreating footsteps and he jumped when the young boy's voice broke the quiet, feeling faint when it was his own name that was called.

"Kanda! I know you're there somewhere. I'm not going to give up and I'm not going to go away! Until you talk to me, I'm not going anywhere!" and then he was gone, slipping into the night to wherever it was he was staying. The words rang in Kanda's mind, sounding strong and ringing like a promise and he titled his head back to stare at the blank sky.

In his chest, his stupid, fickle heart trembled with relief and warmth. He shouldn't be so happy about such a thing but, against his will, he was.

When he laughed, it sounded broken and was washed away by the soothing sound of the waves.

What was stupid was that he _wanted_ Allen to succeed.

*0*0*0*0*

Allen_… his name was being called in a voice that he thought he should know but couldn't place so he lifted his head, feeling like he was trying to move through molasses and Kanda stood there, staring down at him. The sticky feeling filled his mouth as well so when he tried to talk, he couldn't move his jaw and the older boy looked like a fay that had stepped right out of the waves. He was beautiful and untouchable and Allen wanted him. _

Allen, wake up_. He felt some surprise at that because he hadn't realized he was sleeping but the dream held him fast as did the shining vision of Kanda's face. The dark blue eyes were shadowed and calm and he stood perfectly poised, hands in his pockets as he looked down at the pale haired teen through the curtain of his ebony hair. Strangely enough, it seemed like Kanda was really there but if it was a dream, that wasn't possible. _

Get up, you idiot. You can't sleep here_. The insult made him frown but he still couldn't say anything, though it was with some affection that he noted Kanda didn't seem to have changed all that much after all. The voice seemed so close he felt he could reach out and wrap his arms around their source but Kanda hadn't moved from his spot and his image began to shimmer, like a dissolving image or sugar in a bowl of water. No, don't leave! But he couldn't get the words to unglue from the back of his mouth._

Moyashi_…_get up_ and Allen broke through the walls of sleep, elated that the nickname that he used to hate had not been forgotten…_

*0*0*0*0*

The next day he woke up really early again but it was with a plan forming in his mind.

Well, at least a plan that was better than simply from going from place to place and asking around. It helped, of course, that he now knew where Kanda worked and, if he couldn't find the older boy there, where he went at night to sleep. At one of those places he would corner the dark haired boy and _make_ him listen. He had to because tomorrow they were leaving. Of course, if he couldn't get Kanda to talk to him before then, he had a feeling that Tykki wouldn't mind letting him stay at the Cape longer and even if he didn't, the bench last night hadn't been too terrible as a bed. The only problem was that they had three weeks left of school and it would be stupid not to finish so close to graduation.

As he brushed his teeth, he stared at his reflection in the mirror and smiled around the toothpaste foaming around his lips. Though it just might come to drastic measures, he didn't think that would be necessary. Last night had proven that. Whatever was causing the older boy to keep fleeing, it wasn't because he didn't _want_ to see Allen again and it wasn't because of the dream that he'd had when he had fallen asleep on that bench that made him think that. It was the waking that had instilled the hot, surging hope.

He had awoken with an awful crick in his neck, the pain throbbing dully in his skull and making him wince as he sat up. It took him a moment to regain his bearings and when he did, he blinked in surprise. He had only put his head down on his arms for a few moments because his butt had gone numb sitting on the hard wooden slats of the bench and he'd been looking for a more comfortable way of sitting. Allen didn't even remember being that tired but he guessed that just by shifting to a different position and the sound of the surging sea at his back was enough to lull him to sleep. The next thing he knew, someone was calling him by a nick-name he had not heard in years and he was blinking at the ground in front of the bench. Everything around him was still and the only people he'd seen were a bunch of guys that looked like they were in college a couple blocks down the street. Due to the lack of traffic on the main street and the fact that he was the only person still on the Promenade, the sound of the waves crashed loudly in the background, much more noticeable then it was during the day.

He had sat there and listened quietly for a few seconds, still trying to put the dream and reality back into their proper places before sighing loudly and fishing his cell phone from his pocket. The strange thing was that the voice had been so real and he could have sworn Kanda was standing right over him but when he had opened his eyes, he was alone. He had felt thick disappointment sliding down the back of his throat as he flipped his phone open then nearly choked when he saw the time on his cell. It flashed a quarter after three and he cursed loudly as he snapped it closed, annoyed that he had lost so much time. The last time he had looked at his clock, it had been almost one but he had a feeling it wouldn't have mattered anyway. Kanda was avoiding him and Allen hadn't really made it a secret that he was going around looking for his dark haired, childhood friend. Besides, at this time of night the lights at most of the establishments were off and he sat in one of the only pools of light in the entire area so he probably wouldn't have seen the older boy even if he had come back anyway.

It was as he stood, running his fingers through his hair and pulling his clothes back into order when he noticed it; the soft familiar scent that he had memorized when he was six and could never forget, drifting towards him on salt scented air.

"Kanda!" he called before he even realized what he was doing, "I know you're there somewhere. I'm not going to give up and I'm not going to go away! Until you talk to me, I'm not going anywhere!" His words were greeted with more silence but it was a heavy one now, as if it was listening to what he was saying. Even so, he knew that the dark haired boy was there, hiding just out of sight in the shadows and it _had _been Kanda's voice after all that had woke him up.

As he walked back to where he had parked the car earlier, he couldn't stop smiling, giddy with the knowledge that Kanda still cared after all.

Allen turned off the faucet and scrubbed his face dry on a soft towel then met his own gaze in the mirror. The gray that surrounded his pupils was clearer than he could remember them being and he realized he wasn't hiding from his reflection for the first time in many years. It wasn't that he hated his appearance or anything like that and in fact had come to accept, for the most part, that he would never be normal but it didn't mean that he could accept it either. The reasons for it congealed at the back of his mind like black sludge and no one knew the truth except for Cross, who had guessed most of it anyway but at this point in time, they mattered so little he could face the boy reflected in the shiny glass and feel nothing but mild acceptance. This was who he was; he couldn't change it and he couldn't go back in time and make it so none of the things that happened to him early on in life hadn't but he didn't have to give in to it either. All this time, ever since Manna had died, he realized he had been going about it the wrong way. It wasn't about denying that he wanted something and pretending he didn't wish for more and it wasn't about giving in to what he thought fate had in store for him. It was _his_ life and there was one thing he just could no longer live without.

Kanda had made him dream again, had given him back something he wanted to pretend he never knew was missing and this time he was going to grab on and not let go, no matter what happened. As he flicked off the light in the bathroom, he winked at himself on the way out and thundered down the stairs, leaping over the trap that was set at the bottom with ease. It felt as if his life had been jump started again and though the darkness of his past would never be erased, he understood that it didn't have to rule over him either. There was just one thing that was missing and today he was going to get it back. The day that Kanda had left when he was six, their bond had stalled, halting and remaining in limbo, never evolving, never changing. It had never faded or shifted and it needed a jumpstart to get it going again, like a heart that had stopped beating. So he was going to give it that because he needed to see what it could have become, despite all the time that had passed and how the older boy seemed determined to keep running away. He was going to find a way to give the thread that connected them strength once again.

Of course, that didn't mean Kanda was going to make it easy on him.

Allen supposed he really should have expected it, since the older boy had always been infuriatingly stubborn and he was foolish to think that Kanda would back down, even if he had heard the pale haired teen's announcement the night before. In fact, they had probably made the dark haired boy that much more determined to stay away. He practically ran all the way to the beach that morning, noting that it was overcast and humid, making his hair stick to the back of his neck and even his light tank and board shorts feel too heavy. It had hardly mattered, though, for he reached the building the lifeguards used for an office and where they reported to in the morning before the beaches opened for the day. It was actually very early so he was lucky that there were several people standing in front on the ramps that lead to the front door, all of their attire red and indicating that they were lifeguards. Two were guys that were probably close to Kanda's age leaning against the railing, talking to a woman with long brown hair and who had a no-nonsense air to her even as she laughed at something one of the men said.

At first Allen had felt some reservation walking up to them, as if he wasn't supposed to be talking to them for whatever strange reason but they stood in the way of the doors and he doubted he was allowed in the building anyway. So he taped on a plastic smile to hide his nerves and stepped up to them, hoping that they were as nice as everyone else seemed to be here on the island.

"Um, hi," three pairs of eyes turned to him with what seemed to be polite interest and he told himself he was being silly for thinking he couldn't talk to them. After all, their job was helping people, "Sorry to interrupt but, I was wondering if one of you could tell me where to find Kanda Yuu?" he ignored the way his heart skipped and rattled in his chest, thinking that this was finally the part where he could start getting some results only to note the way the three exchanged meaningful looks. One of the men crossed his arms over his bare chest, his dark hair falling into his eyes that were somewhat cool as they regarded Allen.

"You mean the Ice Princess? What would anyone want with him?" the pale haired teen blinked, frowning at the insult and though the girl elbowed the guy who had answered, scowling fiercely at him as if to tell him to keep his mouth shut, the brown eyes as they stared back at him were unkind and chilly. It was in that strange moment that Allen understood what it must be like for his childhood friend. He was a difficult person to get a along with even if one was on his good side and most people didn't have the patience or the inclination to put up with that kind of attitude. Yes, Kanda was pretty enough to have admirers and there were people out there like Angela, who just didn't give a damn about that kind of thing but most would hate that. It ached to think about how alone the dark haired boy must be, going through life were most of the people he met either didn't get along with him or just downright hated him. As he looked at the dark haired lifeguard and the sour twist of his lips, Allen guessed he was one of the latter.

"Sorry about him," the girl with the long hair stepped in front of her co-workers and gave a small grin, "They just don't like Kanda because he's better looking," both men growled at her back but she just waved them off with a pleasantly fake grin. Allen liked her immediately and felt himself relaxing as she turned back to him, tucking some of her long hair behind her ear, "Of course, the guy's sunny attitude helps, I suppose," she tapped her bottom lip thoughtfully before shrugging, "Anyway, he's usually out either running or swimming now," one of the men, the other one with the sandy hair, muttered a soft, "idiot" behind the brunette's back and held up his hands when she turned around and fixed him with a glare. They gave up their glowering and ducked into the building, leaving Allen alone with the girl.

"Um, why is he an idiot?" his voice was politely interested, even as he wished he could kick them for being jerks and the brunette sighed, crossing her arms as she looked at the people passing by on the Promenade.

"Well, he swims before there is anyone on the beach so if anything happens to him, it would be too late to help him. So technically, he's not supposed to be out there," Allen opened his mouth, alarmed but she shrugged casually, as if it wasn't that big of a deal, "I wouldn't worry about him, though. Kanda can handle himself," the comment made him smile to himself and he peered out at the water, were the waves were battering against the shore more angrily than usual.

"Yeah, that sounds like him," and he was just about to ask when was the best time to come back when another woman, this one older and sporting a riot of sun-bleached curls, swept out of the building, leaning over the railing to catch their attention.

"Hey kid," she called, addressing Allen who blinked in surprise, "if you're here looking for Kanda, you're out of luck. He told me to tell you not to come looking for him if you showed up. Sorry," and then she was gone again, the glass door swinging silently closed behind her. He stared after her in shock, his heart plummeting towards his toes. Well, he thought to himself as he nearly gagged on disappointment, that told him everything he needed to know. It seemed Kanda had taken to asking other people to warn him off now. The long haired girl eyed him in surprise, one slender eyebrow arched in question.

"Wow. What the heck did you do to him? Usually he goes an entire day not talking to people but you got an entire sentence," he sighed and rubbed his hand over his face, momentarily discouraged. If Kanda didn't want to see him so much he was having other people telling him to back off, what chance did he stand? But then he thought about how it had been his childhood friend who had been with him on the Promenade last night and his resolve strengthened once more. The older boy could do and say whatever he wanted but when it all came down to it, in the end he couldn't stay away. So Allen smiled sheepishly even as he battled away the disappointment and grabbed hold of the resolve he had been carrying like steel within his heart.

"Nothing. Well, actually, I'm just trying to talk to him but he's being…Kanda so it would probably be considered stalking," the girl stared at him for a minute and he wondered if maybe he had said too much but then she burst out laughing and patted his arm in a friendly manner, clearly amused.

"I wish you luck then. You're probably going to need it," she winked at him and then walked away, still laughing quietly to herself. He shoved his hands into his pockets and shook his head, not quite sure why she had found it so funny but he supposed it was better than getting a bad reaction. He thought about the unfriendly glint in the other lifeguards' eyes and frowned as he walked towards the beach. In his life, there had always been bullies who harassed him because of his looks but because he had a polite, pleasant way of dealing with people, he disarmed them pretty quickly. They had never gotten nice and he was used to them but he at least had his group of friends and a person at home for him when it seemed like it was too much to handle. What did Kanda have? Angela seemed like she was a good friend but not many people were like her. How lonely had he been, Allen wondered, since leaving West Earl? It hurt to think about and he sat on a bench to pull his socks and shoes off with absent motions.

Did Kanda really not want Allen around so much that he was willing to go to all lengths to keep him away? Did he prefer his loneliness or was it something else? The questions swirled around in his mind as he stepped onto the beach carrying his shoes and felt the sand seep between his toes. One way or another he would find out the answer but he was beginning to wonder if his continued pursuit was going to drive the older boy away for good. Perhaps what they had when they were young just couldn't be rescued or continued and Kanda could see it when Allen couldn't.

Slowly the day brightened, though the clouds never really went away, scuttling across the sky in pale, steely puffs and he wandered along the beach, halfheartedly searching for a dark head among the waves. People began to trickle down from their hotels and inns, carrying bags and setting up colorful umbrellas, though there were less than usual due to the overcast weather and Allen gave up hoping to meet Kanda as he stepped from the water, instead turning his eyes inland as the lifeguards began to take their posts. The waves hissed and crashed against the golden sands, lapping at his ankles as he calmly paced the beach, starting at one end and working his way down, making sure never to miss the faces of the people he passed. It was the families that came out first, usually with younger children who were too eager to go to the beach to wait, and older people, either in couples or single, scouring the shore for shells or other finds before the tide went out or just enjoying the salty breeze as it rushed over the sand. And at every lifeguard tower, he paused and looked, only to be disappointed not to find the one person he was looking for.

Around mid-morning he was mobbed by Lavi and he twins, Lenalee and Miranda standing off to the side and laughing as he was tackled to the sand before being tossed into the shallow waves. Their presence dissipated the doubt he hadn't realized he had been slipping into, bolstering him with words of encouragement and their good-natured presence. The other boys weren't satisfied until his clothes were thoroughly soaked and he had lost one of his sneakers to the waves, and when he was finally able to extract himself, Lenalee handed him a breakfast sandwich still warm in its wrapper, laughing as he lamented over his lost shoe.

"I know you probably didn't eat, so we got you something," she said and he accepted it gratefully, his stomach rumbling hungrily. Lavi laughed and threw his arm over Allen's shoulders as the younger boy took a huge bite from his breakfast, sighing blissfully as the warm food dropped into his stomach.

"What would you do without us?" the red head teased, single eye glinting mischievously in the dull morning light, "we feed you and keep you from wasting away or getting too lonely. It's like a full time babysitting service," Allen threw his other shoe at Lavi's head.

Still, he had to swallow around the lump in his throat because despite the teasing and the jokes, they had obviously been thinking about him and that meant more to him than anything else. It was with a genuine smile that he linked arms with Lenalee, munching on his breakfast as they all walked down the shore together and feeling lighter than he had in a while.

It was as he had polished off the last of his sandwich and was listening to David and Jasdero bickering over a blond girl that had just passed wearing as little as she possibly could when he stopped short, breath caught in his throat. They were in between two lifeguard chairs, which was a good distance from either one but he didn't need to be close to know who the person was sitting on the one coming up. The long black hair pulled up into a long braid and fluttering in the breeze game him away. All at once his good mood was gone and he stood for long minutes staring, thoughtlessly scrunching his toes in the sand. Elation crashed into him but it was tempered with doubt and nervousness, making him wish he hadn't eaten so fast. Kanda hadn't notice him as his attention was fixed on the people stubbornly battling the angry waves and Allen wanted to run up and corner him so that he wouldn't run away again. He just wanted him to stop _running, damn it…_

"Allen?" he blinked and looked at the girl on his arm staring worriedly into his face. He realized then that they were all looking at him and he smiled weakly. Yet before he could explain, Lenalee stood on her toes to kiss his cheek then stepped away, "Good luck," and she flashed him a grin. They all said just about the same thing, Lavi giving him a long, searching glance before winking and running back towards the water, shoving David headfirst into a wave. Allen watched them go, unable to even laugh for the butterflies dancing anxiously in the pit of his stomach. Only when they were far enough down the beach did he look back at Kanda, filling his lungs with a deep gulp of air.

He was right there, sitting still, not moving; it was the perfect opportunity. And yet Allen didn't move. He let his pale hair dash across his face and the cuffs of his shorts get soaked by some of the braver, more enterprising waves but he couldn't move. His feet seemed to be stuck in the cold, wet sand, getting sucked deeper with each wave that lapped at his calves and he stared, wishing he knew what he was doing. The older boy looked so confident and relaxed, leaning forward on the chair with his hands dangling between his knees, face turned outwards, to the ocean. He was beautiful and real and Allen was terrified that if he went up to him, he would merely be turned away yet again. If only there was some way he could make Kanda come to _him_.

And as he followed the older boy's gaze and looked out as the waves, he knew.

It wasn't the greatest plan. In fact, it was pretty stupid and could more than likely get him killed but the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to do it. It was like the world went very quiet, existing outside of him as he pondered the insanity of it. The thing was, he knew that it would work. It _had_ to work and if it didn't he would know it would probably be best to give up. Of course, it wouldn't matter if he died.

For some reason, it was that thought that spurred him into action again and he walked around behind the tall, white chair so that to be seen, Kanda would have to turn around in his seat and peered over the back of it. His heart was surprisingly steady in his chest, thumping a regular staccato and he thought it was rather ironic that he was at his calmest as he contemplated doing something that could mean his death. That didn't really seem to make much of an impact on him, though, as he peeled his tank off and took a deep breath.

There were long stone walls that divided the beach at regular intervals, black slashes against the gray water and cool gold sands and it was the one closest to the chair Kanda occupied that he headed towards, passing little kids with their boogie-boards and older kids dashing into the waves. The stone was slick and smooth under his feet and at first no one seemed to notice him, gracefully stepping from one flat stone to another. His head was quiet for once, feeling as if it was filled with cotton and he even managed to smile at a little girl struggling with a bucket of water as she dashed past him on the sand. And in the quiet of his mind, he begged for Kanda to notice, to look over, to remember the promise he had made all those years ago.

The first whistle was blown just as he reached the sign that jutted up from the rocks, warning people of the fines if they happened to venture on the rocks and were caught. It was the place where the waves surged up on both sides, spraying him with cool, salty water and reaching towards him as if they wanted nothing more than to curl around his ankles and drag him under. Footing was slippery and precarious and he stopped walking only a few feet after the sign. More than one whistle was blaring now but he didn't look because all he would see was the lifeguards waving at him to come in off the rocks. Instead he turned and faced the waves, watching them roar and crest all around him.

It was such a stupid thing to do, just to get someone's attention, he thought, knowing that even if he didn't drown, he could get dashed against the rocks instead of pulled out like he wanted. But then he shoved down those thoughts and closed his eyes, taking one more deep breath, pushing everything else away. It was quiet there, in the darkness behind his eyelids, where there were no whistles or people shouting or vicious ocean waves. Only Kanda, as he held him and begged him not to worry him ever again. Only Kanda looking up at Manna and promising to keep Allen safe. Only Kanda…

Allen opened his eyes and leaped…

_**To be continued...

* * *

**_

O.o cliffhanger! *runs*_**  
**_


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: *flails* OMG! It's DONE! well, technically, anyway. There is still a quick epilogue I need to write but for all intents and purposes, I can now officially MOVE ON! WOOOT! So, I totally took liberties with the whole rescue scene. I know they probably would have taken Allen to the hospital but it would have ruined my plot so I'm sorry for those of you who know how that kind of thing works. I tried! Anyway, last installment, I'm super exited. I hope you all enjoy!**

**Warning: Mature adult content! Slash sex (yum) between Kanda and his Moyashi. oral, mentions of rimming and anal.

* * *

**_It had been one of those dreary, rainy days, the water drumming steadily upon the windows, when Allen burst into the library where Kanda had been reading. The book was a long one, he remembers, filled with language he couldn't really comprehend but he had wanted to stubbornly plough his way through anyway just to say that he had done it and didn't give up on it. The plot had been woven so deeply into the words he couldn't even figure out what was supposed to be happening and he didn't even remember anymore what the name of it was. So when is friend had disrupted him, he had been glad for it, placing the god-forsaken book on the table to be forgotten. The sight of Allen's bright smile and shining cerulean eyes had been more than enough distraction. _

_Of course, what he hadn't been expecting was for the younger boy to launch himself into Kanda's arms and press a warm, wet kiss on his lips. It hadn't lasted very long but it had shocked him so badly that he had sat there gaping like an idiot as the pale haired boy settled himself on the older boy's lap. Finally he touched his lips, blinking and beginning to turn red. Kisses were meant for people you loved and the lips were reserved, he understood, for romance. Nine was still a little too young to grasp the concept entirely but he had known enough to be embarrassed by it. _

"_Wh-what…why did you do that?" when he had finally managed to get the words out, he had sputtered and his voice had broken, making Allen look up at him in surprise. The younger boy had cocked his head to the side and grinned lopsidedly, his round face innocent and open. Then he had twisted in Kanda's lap and wrapped his arms around the older boy's torso, hiding his face so that all the dark haired boy could see was the top of his white head. _

"_Manna said people do that when they love each other," he'd answered, voice a little muffled by the older boy's shirt, "and I love Kanda," and his arms had tightened possessively. But the sharp breath Kanda had taken was not because of that. The words had caught him so off guard he couldn't breathe, staring at the far wall as the younger boy continued to squeeze him as tightly as he could. He supposed it had been meant in the most innocent way because what did a six year old know of romance but he couldn't shake it, the sound of Allen's voice as he told Kanda he loved him going around and around in his head. It wasn't remarked upon again but it didn't need to be. The words were always there, drawing them closer by the day and forging a bond between them that, as it would turn out, couldn't be severed for years to come, despite his absence. _

_That day, as the rain continued to batter the earth, they had settled down with a book as usual, Kanda's voice filling the quiet library and for a bit he was able to forget what Allen had said. But when it was time for him to leave, the younger boy paused at the door and turned around, face half hidden by his hood. _

"_Do you love me too, Kanda?" he'd asked, voice soft and the older boy's throat had restricted and not because he was afraid but because he just didn't know how to say yes. But the gray eyes had looked up at him, filled with shadows and reflecting the color of the sky and before he could think about it, he had leaned down and pressed his lips to Allen's, tasting salt and clear, clean rain. When he pulled back, the younger boy's smile was as bright as any sun and he had found himself smiling back. _

_Two weeks later, he was in a stranger's car and watching his home pass him by for the last time, pressing a soft goodbye to the window pane and wishing he had been able to say those three words back when he had the chance. _

_*0*0*0*0*_

It was the crappiest day they'd had in a while and he marveled at the tenacity of some of the people who were willing to brave the angry waves, even though they roared and thundered like a wild beast against the shore. There must have been a storm out at sea and they would have to close the beach if it got any worse. It was times like this when they usually lost people, who were either too stupid or too stubborn to realize that the waves were too big and the under currents too strong. The air was cool and heavy, the humidity so high it felt as if he could swallow each breath. Salt coated his lips and skin but he was used to that, tasting it every time he opened his mouth. Yet despite how familiar he was with it, today it was distracting and he kept running his tongue along his bottom lip, trying to collect all of it on his taste buds.

For some reason, the taste of salt was reminding him of the past, dredging up rippling memories of bright sunshine and an almost forgotten smile. Though he kept his eyes on the waves, trying to take note of every person who went in and out of the water, it was hard to focus on them. There was something nagging on his mind, hovering over his shoulders like great black wings and he hadn't been able to shake the feeling. He knew why, of course and he knew who the person to blame was but he just couldn't sharpen his mind, where it seemed to have settled in the thick clouds that brooded overhead.

It was Allen, his sleeping face shining and pale like a miniature moon with a slash of crimson and his words shouted through the shifting night that plagued him. How could he not think about the younger boy, especially when he could feel his own resolve to keep his past at arm's length slowly wavering? How could he not think about those brave words, a declaration, a promise called out to him even though he had been sure Allen hadn't known he was there? He leaned forward on the large, white wooden chair that looked down upon the white capped waves, leaning his chin on his hands and, despite himself, smiled. He had been doing that all day and though he knew he shouldn't be happy that the pale haired boy that had once been his best friend refused to let him go, the warmth that bubbled in his chest like a boiling cauldron was just that. Joy. Relief. It burned within him, bright and sure and he had given up trying to contain it or deny it.

Perhaps, he thought as he watched a wave crest and angrily snarl in a rushing tide towards the sand, it wouldn't be so bad to let Allen in again. Yes, the boy would have to leave since he was merely visiting but that didn't mean they could never see one another again. T here was a sadness to that smile that he used to love and Kanda found himself wishing to find out what had made it so. Maybe, just maybe he could make the shadows disappear from behind those wide gray eyes and find the bright, warm light that used to shine in them again.

He smiled simply because he had missed what it was like to feel happiness.

A sharp whistle jerked him out of his reverie and he noticed his partner that sat beside him was standing on the top rung of the chair and was calling in a group of swimmers that had ventured out too far into the waves. He took a deep breath and watched, making sure they all came back. So many of the people who came to the shore were from the city and had no occasion to learn how to swim so they had to be ready if they saw someone caught in a rip tide or who simply went too far and were in danger of being dragged out with the waves. This group came all the way back to the shallows, looking like they had taken a beating from the waves and he felt a surge of satisfaction. It was only what they deserved thinking they could best the ocean.

"Sooo, Kanda," the dark haired lifeguard looked around at the man sitting back down beside him for a moment before turning his gaze back out to the people diving and getting knocked down in the surf, "You seem…positively giddy today," he shot the man a dark look and got a glance and a shrug, "Well, for you anyway. You get laid or something?" he huffed and looked away, his scowl directed at the horizon. Jake was the only person he worked with at the beach that was actually willing to put up with him, his quirky personality lending him a thick skin against Kanda's prickly demeanor. Most of the others preferred not to work with him so Jake was pretty much his permanent partner, occupying the other side of the chair more often than not. Not that Kanda really minded. He would rather work with someone who wasn't going to glare daggers at him and insult him at every turn or just downright pretend he wasn't even there. The tall blond man, however, had a ready smile and sharp humor that made the hours pass with relative ease.

"Don't be an idiot. I'm not allowed to smile?" he growled in return, watching a little girl giggling as she dashed up the beach away from a hungry, hissing wave. Jake laughed loudly, the sound sharp and stinging and the dark haired man felt his face heat despite himself, already knowing what was about to come.

"Ha! Come on, dude. Everyone knows you only smile when someone trips in the sand. Which is cool," the blond defended, hands raised as if he could ward off Kanda's sharp glare with his hands, "Everyone has their own thing. I mean, it's a little sadistic and not really my cup of tea but—" he snarled at his coworker and momentarily thought about kicking him straight off the chair.

"Shut. Up." It seemed to work for a minute and he rested his arms on his knees as he continued to watch the people still willing to take a beating in the waves. He could feel the other man's gaze on him, though, sharp and wondering and he felt his shoulders hunching, as if he was protecting himself from the questions he knew were coming. When they did, though, he was surprised at the seriousness of Jake's voice.

"I know you're not big on relationships or anything," the blond started, talking over the loud crash of the surf, "but I swear there's something different about you. Yesterday you looked like you were ready to kill someone and today…I don't know. Smiling? Really?" Kanda hung his head for a minute, exasperated, then shot a look at his companion, seeing the sharp brown gaze was watching him from behind windblown blonde hair. There was no guile in the other man's face though, just simple curiosity and he sighed.

"It's been known to happen," he replied, though there was only a little bite to his voice, "What difference does it make, though? It won't last. It never does," the morbidity of his words struck him harder than he thought they would have and he had to look away, down the shore as if he was making sure there was no one braving the water over by the rocks. For a moment he thought he caught a flash of something white but there was a large group of several families and it was gone again a moment later. _And now I'm seeing things…_

"Well, that's kinda depressing, man. I know you're not all sunshine and butterflies but jeeze," he glanced at the other man again but the thoughtful gaze was on the waves, a frown marring Jake's face. Kanda swallowed hard, tasting salt again and thinking of Allen before glancing back to where he thought he had seen that fleeting glimpse of silvery hair. Nothing. "If you feel that way then you're only going to make it come true. You gotta fight for the good things in life or they are just swept away like flotsam," Kanda snorted and glared at the bleak, gray horizon as if it was at fault, hating himself for listening to Jake.

"What happens when you fight and it still disappears? You put all that effort into something and you don't even get anything out of it. How is that fair?" he bit down on the rest of the angry words that wanted to spill from his mouth, his former good mood completely destroyed and could see the blond looking at him with surprise. He wanted to feel ashamed of his outburst, something he never allowed himself to do where other people could see but he was too frustrated to try and take it back. The only time he could ever remember feeling so out of control, he realized, was when Allen was involved.

"Ah," the single word Jake spoke seemed to speak volumes of understanding and the dark haired man gritted his teeth. He didn't want to be _understood_. He wanted to obliterate the flood of feelings that had submerged him ever since his childhood friend had spoken his name in the restaurant two days ago and run as far as he could so he could never have to remember and never have to lose, "No one said life was going to be fair. I think it's about what we do with those injustices and what kind of path we forge for ourselves. It's not about the fight but the experiences that come from it that's important. Besides, everyone deserves to be happy," Jake looked at him and grinned and Kanda could feel the rage slowly draining from his limbs, "even a sadistic bastard like you," he didn't smile and he couldn't look at his companion's face but he breathed deeply a few times and the air seemed cooler, fresher. They sat in relative silence for a few moments, shrieks and laughter and the boom-hiss of the ocean the only sound to be heard. Then he snorted and lifted his head, pushing his bangs back with one hand.

"I never knew you were a poet—"

"What the hell is that?" surprised, he looked around to see the blond sitting up and staring at the rock wall closest to their chair, one hand shading his eyes despite the fact that there was no sun. Confused, Kanda followed his gaze and suddenly couldn't breathe. There was someone on the rocks, walking steadily closer to where they disappeared under the furious water, white hair shining even in the dull, overcast light. People were already turning their heads, pointing, exclaiming and still the figure walked, feet placed carefully on the dark, slippery stones and pale hair getting tangled by the sharp breeze. He couldn't see the figure's face clearly but he didn't need to. He already knew that the boy's eyes would be huge and gray and a dark slash of crimson would be tracked across his pale skin.

"Allen…" his breathed just as the whistles started shrilling from the next lifeguard station over. Jake had his out a moment later and he was standing and waving, trying to get the pale haired teen's attention. But Kanda couldn't move. Every muscle seemed to have locked up, his hands clenched on his thighs as he watched in horror his childhood friend passed the sign warning people off the rocks as if it wasn't even there and continuing until a wave crested and grabbed at his claves. He wanted to scream, to call out Allen's name, heart beating so quickly he was sure it would simply stop any second and still he sat, not even able to blink.

"HEY, ASSHOLE!" Jake was screaming now, waving both hands but the white haired figure never even looked their way. He was looking out at the waves as if he could see down to the very bottom, face and hair a pale splotch against the dark water. In that moment, as one of the lifeguards started calling people out of the water and the other started off across the sand, memories super-imposed themselves over his vision—_panic, staring at the place in the lake where Allen had disappeared and realizing the younger boy was not coming back up, despair at the thought of never seeing his friend again, dragging a still, heavy body back up towards the light—_and he knew. He knew exactly what Allen was doing.

It was for him.

He was doing it for Kanda, to get his attention, to make him stop running and it was important enough that he was willing to die to get it.

It was Kanda's turn to run forwards now.

There was no longer a decision to be made. He didn't remember moving, didn't remember snatching his red rescue can and leaping from the chair like something possessed, sprinting through the sand as if it wasn't even there. Bile clogged the back of his throat as he watched the still figure on the rocks rise up onto his toes then bend his knees, preparing to jump. He might have yelled something but what he might have said was lost as he hit the water, chilling spray soaking his front.

It was a beautiful dive. That much he had seen, the younger boy cutting an elegant figure as he dove through the air before disappearing into the water.

Somewhere in his mind he was aware that he was panicking. As he dove into the waves and swam as fast as he could towards the place that his childhood friend had disappeared, there was a white veil through which he was looking, keeping everything behind it except cold, clinical determination and the icy shell of his training. His arms moved and his legs propelled him and he only came up for air when his lungs burned and he thought of absolutely nothing else but reaching Allen. If it had been anyone else, he would have been using anger to fuel him, to keep him calm but this was not just anyone and, after all, it was his own fault Allen had felt he needed to do something so drastic. Fear crackled through his body like hot tongues of lightning but he pushed it away again and again, the taste of it sticky in the back of his throat.

Then, as he submerged himself for the fourth time, he saw a pale hand through the deep gloom of the water, reaching upwards towards the light a few feet off to his left. Without a thought, he changed directions and dove as fast as he could, wondering why his eyes were burning more than normal and his stomach cramped painfully. For a moment of blinding terror, he felt nothing but cold water against his finger tips but then a solid, slender wrist slipped into his palm and he closed his fingers compulsively. Returning to the surface was easier than the descent and if it wasn't for the cool, firm skin and bone under his hand, he would have thought he had left Allen behind.

Before he could think, his head was breaking the surface again and he took a huge gulp of air as he pulled the other boy's head up, out of the water, treading water as he clasped Allen tightly to his chest. The pale lashes looked like wet feathers upon the pale, marble cheeks and the full lips were beginning to look a little blue. But Kanda couldn't panic yet and he towed the still body of the pale haired boy towards the shore, using his rescue can for aid, praying desperately between mouthfuls of salt water that he had been in time.

Thankfully Jake and Carol, one of the other lifeguards, were waiting for him in the waves and between the three of them, they got the still form of the boy with the pale hair onto the beach, stretching his body upon the sand. Allen looked so lifeless, his entire face completely white except for where his lips were tinged blue, the tattoo standing out like blood on snow and Kanda understood in that moment what it must have felt like for the younger boy when he left. Something gouged at his chest, making it nearly impossible to breathe and the only thing he could think was that he would die too if the younger boy didn't start breathing again.

Another one of his coworkers, Davy, was already kneeling down beside Allen, large hands titling the pale head back but Kanda pushed him out of the way, ignoring his indignant curse as he took his place. It was procedure that if another lifeguard was available, they were perform the CPR because the rescuer was typically still out of breath and tired from battling the ocean. But he didn't care about that. He was going to _make_ Allen open his eyes and _will_ air into his lungs.

Twelve chest presses, fingers laced, palms down, then three breaths to the victim's mouth, nose closed off and head tilted back.

Repeat.

A hand fell on his shoulder and a voice called his name, pulling him out of his vital routine that _wasn't fucking working_, "Kanda, someone else should take over…" but he pushed them away because Allen was so still, he wasn't _moving, he just needed to breathe_.

"Fuck off!" he screamed at the person trying to pull him away, rhythmically shoving his palms hard into the slender chest, _ I need you…breathe….please breathe…_there was a crowd around them, people looking on with wide eyes and hands pressed to their mouths in horror. A circle of other lifeguards kept them back and he vaguely heard Jake stopping a group that were yelling and calling Allen's name. But he didn't care about them. The only thing that he could see was how the sand clung to the silvery strands of soaked hair and how not one pale finger had twitched with life, how the full lips were so cold as Kanda sealed his own mouth over Allen's, breathing out as much air as he could while _demanding_ the other boy take it.

And just as he sat back one final time, hands locked together and pretending he didn't hear Carol gently trying to tell him it was no use, Allen choked.

The gray eyes flew open wide, reflecting the dark sky and he opened his mouth, trying to suck in air. Kanda slipped a hand behind his head and rolled him onto his side just as the younger boy started coughing, vomiting up seawater onto the sand. With every ragged breath he tried to take, his body shuttered and it was all he could do not to wrap his arms around the pale haired boy, breathing in with every choked gasp Allen made. In his chest, the choking, agonizing fear loosened its grip and slithered away, allowing him to sag in relief.

A small murmur went through the watching crowd and then a low cheer and he could hear voices close by, calling Allen, sharp with concern and fear. Probably the pale haired teen's friends, he reasoned to himself as he supported the younger boy as he alternated between gagging and gasping for air. Sirens blared down by the end of the beach, announcing the arrival of the rescue vehicle but he doubted they would need it as he watched Allen sit up, wiping his mouth on the back of his wet hand and breathing in great gulps as if he had never tasted air so good before. Only then did Kanda let him go and sat back, staring at his childhood friend. Someone draped a blanket around Allen's shoulders but it was Kanda the gray eyes sought out, shadowed behind the messy fall of his dripping hair.

"Kanda…" it was a small exhalation of air but it shot straight through him and he suddenly couldn't sit there anymore. Without a word, he climbed to his feet and turned away, letting the others handle the rest. The crowd had dissipated by then, moving farther off to give the rescue workers room to move around. The group of Allen's friends were allowed in and he could hear someone crying but he ignored it all, walking in measured steps through the sand while the beseeching gaze followed him, burning like a brand against his back. As he reached Jake who was standing some way off talking with one of their bosses, Dan and two police officers, the older man met his eye, understanding stark in his gaze. Kanda swallowed again and looked away, letting him catch his shoulder as he passed.

"Impressive," the blond said softly, "but you gave up the fight," Kanda blinked and looked at him, moving out from under his grip. He could feel Allen still watching him and it was a heavy weight between his shoulder blades but he refused to turn around.

"I don't know what you mean," expect he was sure that he did. Jake tipped his head to the side and smiled, the expression knowing and sly.

"Sure you do. Rescuing that boy was only half your battle. Now what are you going to do?" Kanda balled his hands into fists and looked away. Now what indeed. He felt exposed, naked and he didn't like showing that even to himself, let alone someone he simply worked with from day to day. He shook his head, the braid that he kept his hair in while working heavy with salt water, wishing he could lie to himself as easy as he used to.

"How do you know that?" he rasped and jumped when a finger touched his cheek, making him jerk around to get away from the touch. Jake held it out and the pad of it was wet.

"Because as you were trying to resuscitate him, you were crying," and he couldn't even argue because as he pressed his fingers to the skin under his eyes, it felt puffy and grainy. It was something he would have said was impossible but as he stood there on that beach, he realized that it didn't really matter. Allen was alive, breathing and there. His moyashi, the past returned to him for a second chance.

He was done running.

*0*0*0*0*

_Once, he had dreamed, dreamed of a bleak place among the stars were no light shone, dreamed that he was trapped there, all alone. _

_In this dream there was no sound and nothing to see; just flat darkness that ate away at the ground beneath his feet until he was drifting in the sky where nothing but himself existed. There was no air, there was no gravity and among the maelstrom of nothingness and stillness, there was no one else with him. Even his thoughts and memories came from a long way off, as if he was viewing them from the other end of a tunnel. All that was left was the feeling of being abandoned and the fear, sinking deeper and deeper under his skin until that's all he was. Forgotten, lost, he was falling and his voice made no impression upon the darkness. _

_It was like drowning, falling to the bottom of the sea…_

_And then someone was calling his name, someone's hand was on his shoulder and when he opened his eyes, dragging himself out of the nightmare, Kanda was leaning over him, dark brows furrowed in concern. "You were crying in your sleep…" but it was okay now because he wasn't alone after all._

_Except that turned out to be another dream too…_

_*0*0*0*0*_

His lungs burned. His legs felt like jelly and there was no strength in his fingers. A swirling dizziness kept gripping him, making him feel like he was floating. But he was alive.

He was breathing and it was Kanda that had pulled him from the water and breathed life back into him.

The rescue workers that had arrived at the beach after he was pulled out of the water wanted to take him to the local hospital but all that he really needed was to just keep breathing. It had been so strange, the water rushing into his lungs as he finally ran out of air, choking him as his body drifted deeper and deeper into the surf. The sensation of breathing in and suffocating reminded him of a nightmare but there had been no waking from the dream. The darkness had swirled before his eyes and the last thing he remembers was reaching up towards the silvery, ghostly light floating upon the surface of the water. If this was it, he thought as he gave in to the heaviness and lack of oxygen, then dying wasn't so bad after all.

Only he hadn't died. Kanda had brought him back, just like he had known he would. Breathing hurt after not doing it for long minutes but after all the water had been forcefully expelled from his lungs and the hazy pain eased from behind his eyes, he could see his childhood friend kneeling beside him, face pale and eyes glassy with water and salt. He had been crying, crying for Allen, crying because he had probably thought he would lose the younger boy, crying tears he had never realized Kanda would allow himself to cry. Of course he couldn't help but wish to reach out, to wipe them away, to make sure he wasn't dreaming after all and whisper the dark haired boy's name because it had been on the tip of his tongue the entire time and he just couldn't keep it back any longer.

Kanda had looked at him, blue eyes deep and serious and Allen had seen the stark relief in them right before the older boy got gracefully to his feet and turned away. The dreamlike quality the world had become was shattered then, dragging him back to reality but for some reason he wasn't upset. After all, the dark haired boy had to run towards him before he could retreat again and that meant everything. The concern and the fear had been there and they had been for Allen and that was a step in the right direction. Kanda had always been so aloof but he was beautiful in his distain and when the walls were broken down; well, then he was the most stunning of all. And they had been, if only for a few minutes, long enough for him to pull the younger boy up from the darkness of the ocean and draw him back towards life, long enough to show his feelings with his tears, even if he had been unaware of them.

Others had swarmed in to take Kanda's place, giving him a large, fluffy blanket to wrap around his shoulders and someone else had handed him a bottle of water while informing him all the salt he had swallowed could dehydrate him. They were well versed at handling emergencies, he noticed, efficient and making sure he remained calm and as still as possible before the paramedics could make their way over to him. One of the women, dark haired with a confident stride and way of talking crouched down in front of him on the sand and proceeded to ask him if he was okay before introducing herself and asking a few things about Allen. She apologized for Kanda's abrupt behavior but he laughed, waving it off.

"It's okay. He's always been like that," the statement made her eyebrows lift to the middle of her forehead but she didn't comment on it. During this time he could see his friends being held off to the side by two other lifeguards but they were allowed through when the woman, Carol, stood up and nodded. He felt a little guilty when he was all but tackled to the ground by Lenalee and Road, the two of them wailing and demanding to know if he was okay. He hadn't meant for them to find out about this, hoping that they had already been far enough down the beach so they would never have to know. Not that he had really thought it through in the first place and now that he thought about it, there had probably been less dramatic ways of getting Kanda's attention. But then he thought about the dark haired boy's tears and he wondered if perhaps it wasn't better this way, despite the dark concern hiding in his friends' eyes. Putting his hands on Lenalee and Road's shoulders, he pushed them back a bit and tried to keep his smile as steady as he could.

"I'm really alright, guys. You don't have to look like that," their eyes cut him like glass, especially Lavi's, who looked down at him over his crossed arms, mouth turned down in a frown. Allen cleared his throat and looked to the side, not sure why he felt so guilty, "I'm not dead," _you almost were, though_ a voice in his head reminded him and he pushed it away, refusing to acknowledge it right then. The red head looked angry as he lifted one eyebrow, single green eye flaring hotly.

"Really? That's all you can say?" he'd snapped, making everyone jump and look at him in surprise. Yeah, they had all seen the older boy serious before but he rarely got mad. Allen could feel his face burning and he wrapped the blanket tighter around his shoulders, eyes sliding to where Kanda was standing in the distance, his back turned as he talked with a tall blonde man wearing a lifeguard uniform. A flash of jealously stung him then, white with heat and he had to look back at his friend because it was so stupid. So what if Kanda was talking to someone else? Allen wasn't the only person in his world. _I just want him to _look_ at me. Just look my way…_

"I-I'm sorry…I don't know why I did it…" but that wasn't the truth either and it was Miranda who surprised him by sitting down next to him and leaning her shoulder against his own. Her eyes were dark and held a glimmer of understanding.

"I do," she said quietly and then smiled, a tremulous expression but a smile none the less, "We do, Allen. But…but you shouldn't…I mean…" and she looked away with a blush, clearly wanting to say something but, knowing her, probably afraid she would offend Allen if she did. Road was glaring, though, when she spoke up in the other girl's place.

"What she's trying to say is that while we can admire the intention, you were a fucking idiot for almost killing yourself, regardless of the end result," he bit his lip, looking into each one of their faces and realized something in that moment. While he had been so caught up in his own darkness and mourning for all that he had lost, keeping himself removed from everyone else because he was so afraid of getting too close, there had been people by his side the entire time. They weren't replacements for his family, or Manna or even Kanda but they were still people who cared enough to remain in his life even if sometimes he couldn't see them. With a sharp breath that hurt his tender lungs, he ducked his head, watching the drops of salty water from his hair soaking the blanket.

"I promise not to do something stupid like that again," and he meant it. Road huffed quietly but her expression softened and Lenalee reached out to clasp his hand, a small smile working upwards at the corner of her lip. It was Lavi who he looked at, though and was relieved when the older boy dropped his arms and nodded. Just like that the guilt washed away and he grinned, feeling like he weighed twenty pounds lighter. Now that he saw how much he meant to them, he promised himself that he would get better at letting them in. Things could go wrong and he could end up having to leave them behind but that didn't mean that he shouldn't let himself care about them for fear of the pain when they were ripped away.

The paramedics took one look at him and appeared to relax, as if they were expecting him to be much worse. They listened to his breathing and asked him a few questions about how he was feeling before packing up their gear and assuring everyone he didn't need to go to the hospital.

"Just stay out of the water and drink a lot," one of them reassured him, helping him to his feet. Lavi caught his elbow with a firm grip since he wasn't very steady on his feet and the sand was not a stable surface, for which Allen was grateful. All he needed was to fall on his face in front of everyone and get carted away. He refused to spend his last night at the Cape stuck in a sterile, sickly green room when there was a conversation that was twelve years late in coming, "If you get light headed or have trouble breathing, call 911. Don't hesitate," the man pointed at him sternly and he grinned sheepishly, reassuring him that he would. After all, it wasn't like he had tried to commit suicide, something which he explained several times to several different people. The part he didn't tell them was that he had been trying to get someone's attention. Unfortunately, he wasn't sure if it had worked yet or not. At least, not the way he really wanted.

"Sooo," David and Jasdero planted themselves in front of him, eyes wide and fascinated, as if he was a shiny new toy for them to pick apart and examine, "Is it true you really almost drowned?" David's dark head tipped to the side and Allen blinked, not sure why he was surprised by such a question. Lavi had let go of his elbow but he stood beside him, snorting softly as if he knew exactly what the twins were getting at. In fact, all the others were hiding grins behind their hands.

"Um, yeah," he responded, uneasy and watched as the dark and light heads turned towards each other, the twins looking at each other in a way he couldn't interpret. Then they were looking at him again and they practically leaned forward, eyes huge, voices melding as they asked their next question simultaneously.

"What was it like?"

The memory made him smile now as he shut the front door quietly behind him and tipped his head back to stare at the full, gleaming disk of the moon. It was bright in the sky despite the fact that no star could be seen due to the over abundance of light and it's face was turned out towards the sea, as if longingly waiting for a lover that had been missing for centuries. That was the direction in which he turned, following the path of the moon's gaze and admiring the large, Victorian homes that were bathed in its light. Warm lights gleamed in the large, picturesque windows and voices spilled out into the fenced off lawns from over the sides of the shadowed porches, making him feel like he wasn't a part of the same world, like a ghost drifting at the edges of their light. Some faces turned towards him as he passed but they looked away again just as quickly. It suited him just fine because he didn't need any other gazes to validate his existence. In some ways, he felt like the moon, only he was not waiting for anyone.

Allen's heart skipped a beat then and he picked up his pace, hurrying in the direction of the beach. Excitement tingled at the tips of his fingers and made his palms sweat and he tripped a few times over a few places where the slate sidewalks were uneven in his haste. The air was heavy with the promise of a storm, as it had been all day, even though the sky looked clear for the moment. Allen drank it in until he thought he could get drunk on it because nothing short of a full blown hurricane could have soured his mood.

He had stood beside the lifeguard chair after he had fended off the rambunctious twins, wrapped in a damp blanket and watching as the paramedics cleared off the beach while listening to Lavi's conversation as he talked to Tykki on his cell with half an ear. The clouds had looked like roiling dragon scales, casting a pall on the beach and the lifeguards had dispersed, closing the beach as they did. The water had gotten too choppy and while Allen's incident had been be deliberate, it was one near-drowning too much and they didn't want to take the risk. Besides, there had been a few rumbles of thunder in the distance and that was all the confirmation they had needed. Carol had remained with him, talking to his friends just out of his earshot, though he could tell he was the topic of conversation by the looks she sometimes threw his way. He didn't care. He was more concerned with the dark haired lifeguard that was still standing some distance down the beach, arms crossed and back turned.

Kanda hadn't moved from that spot since he had stormed away after making sure Allen was still alive, remaining motionless like one of the dark stones that made up the walls that bisected the beach. The wind that had picked up pulled at his clothes and tossed his braid around, making it look like a snaking whip as it waved through the air. How much he had changed, Allen thought, admiring the line of his strong, slender back and the cut of his shoulders in his red t-shirt. He looked fierce and tall standing next to the blond man that had been talking to him for some time and the pale haired teen wanted to walk up to him and either kick him in the back of the knees or wrap his arms around the narrow hips. It wasn't fair that he was willing to talk to this other person more than he would his childhood friend, though he noticed Kanda wasn't saying all that much to the blond lifeguard either. Allen had tried looking away but sooner or later his eyes would end up back in the same spot, looking at the dark haired boy as if the weight of his gaze alone could make him turn back around.

Lavi had distracted him for a single swift moment to let him know that Tykki was on his way with the car so that he could pick them up when he caught a sharp movement out of the corner of his eye. Turning his head, he felt his eyes widen as he saw Kanda striding towards him through the sand, hands bunched at his sides and dark hair flaring around his set face. He was beautiful and Allen had smiled, letting the blanket slip a little as he took his own few steps forward, so relieved and elated that his old friend was walking back to him that he didn't register the expression on his face as fury. Only when the older boy was close enough to see his eyes did Allen see the flaring emotion. It made him catch his breath and his smile faltered.

"Kanda. I—" only the dark haired boy didn't stop advancing and he barely had time to realize Kanda wasn't going to stop with a widening of his eyes when pain flared across his jaw and lip. He hadn't even seen the swing coming and the older boy's fist connected so sharply, he had stumbled back, only remaining on his feet because he had come up against the white lifeguard chair. For a second he saw stars, pressing his hand to his throbbing mouth and blinked at the sand in confusion, his friends' startled and angry voices breaking through his shock.

"What the fuck is your problem!" Lavi was screaming and the twins sounded like they were ready to drag Kanda away and drown him but before anyone could pull the dark haired lifeguard away, his hands were on Allen's shoulders, righting him and turning him around so that they were facing one another.

Then he couldn't breathe for an entirely different reason.

Kanda's kiss was like his punch, taking him completely by surprise and rendering him blank with shock. Unlike the pain, though, the kiss lingered, burning through his numb limbs like fire and jolting his heart like the lightening beginning to snap dangerously in the distant sky. For a second all he could do was blink stupidly at the dark hair and pale forehead in his line of vision before he registered the soft, warm press of the older boy's lips against his, the feeling like silk against a raw wound. Then Kanda breathed out through his mouth and pressed closer and Allen melted. Without a thought, he closed his eyes and wound his arms around the older boy's shoulders, dragging him closer until there was not a breath between them.

And it was _glorious._

The kiss was hot and firm, sometimes capturing both of his lips, sometimes the top, others the bottom and the insides of Kanda's lips felt even hotter, sticking wetly to his own. When he opened his mouth to take a breath, the older boy was right there, dipping his tongue into the depths of his mouth, tasting of salt and something so deliciously dark Allen's knees went weak. That there were people watching on in stunned silence mattered very little because there were little bolts of electricity fizzling through his body and his heart slammed against his chest, matching the frantic pace of the second heartbeat he felt pressed against him. It wasn't until he was nearly out of air, his lungs burning in protest, that Kanda gave the roof of his mouth one last lick and pulled away.

His deep, deep blue eyes were nearly black as pitch and fathomless, boring into the younger boy's like two burning coals of pre-dawn sky. He had held the pale haired boy so close he could still feel Kanda's breath on his face and didn't seem to care one whit that they had a rather rapt audience.

"Baka-moyashi," he'd whispered, eyebrows pulled down in a frown and eyes as soft as Allen had ever seen them. He'd laughed then, throwing his arms around the older boy's shoulders and letting the ice that had been thawing from around his heart crack and fall away. The real dream he had been harboring, the only thing he truly wanted, was right there in his arms. The boy he had started to fall in love with when he was a child was back and he had fallen the rest of the way, well and truly and for good. He wanted to hear Kanda call him that stupid name over and over and he wanted to kiss his lips a thousand times and he wanted to wrap his arms around him and never let go.

"Please don't run away again," his voice had been soft and barely audible over the crash of the waves but Kanda had heard him anyway, if the way he closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to the younger boy's, was anything to go by.

"I promise," the whispered words had been rough and broken but he'd spoken them and that was all that Allen could have hoped. He'd pressed a lingering kiss to the corner of the dark haired boy's lips and pulled away with a smile that felt more real than any of the other's he'd given in years. The way that Kanda looked at him then, eyes full of light and waves, would stay with him for the rest of his life. It was a single, fleeting look, filled with such warmth that he could feel it as he passed over his skin and which belonged only to him.

They were all shooed from the beach after that, the storm growling on the horizon pressing ever closer and Kanda had gone with him, picking up the blanket that had fallen off his shoulders when they kissed. By then everyone had just about left, a few stranglers braving the risk of lightening and they walked through the sand as a group, glancing up when the first few drops of rain began to fall. But Allen could feel nothing except the warm, slender fingers that were twined with his own and the strong shoulder that bumped him every other step they took. Around them the rest of his friends walked but it was because of Kanda he felt so full he thought he could burst; full of warmth, of happiness, of soft, glittering sunlight that radiated in the pit of his stomach to heat each finger and toe. And when Kanda met his eyes with every glance, the same bright, contented warmth was reflected back at him.

"So, um, how do you two know each other?" Lenalee peered around Allen so that she could encompass both boys with the question and he felt his eyebrows shoot up before he realized that she wouldn't have occasion to know Kanda from when he used to live in West Earl. Thunder growled overhead and they all quickened their steps, eager to reach the edge of the sand and the relative safety of the Promenade before the storm truly hit.

"Oh, that's an easy one," Lavi walked with his hands in his pockets, looking as casual as ever but there was a tiny smile curling up at the corner of his lips, "He used to live in West Earl awhile back. I think you were a year behind of me," the last sentence was addressed to Kanda who looked at the red head with a cool, studying glance before he nodded. He didn't say anything but the other boy wasn't expecting him to because he turned to Lenalee again with a disarming grin, "He left a year before you moved in so you wouldn't remember," the statement reminded Allen all over again who was pacing quietly by his side and whose hand was curled protectively around his own and he nearly choked on the feeling of giddy joy. It didn't look like Kanda was going to let go anytime, either, because his grip remained strong and true when they met Tykki on the street and through the entire car ride back to the house. The only time it changed was when the older, dark haired man stopped Allen before he climbed into the car and caught his chin, tilting the teen's head back so their gazes met.

"Lavi told me what happened. Are you alright?" genuine concern bled into his voice but it was the sharp tightening on his hand that made him smile and nod with confidence.

"I'm alright," he had reassured the older man then turned to introduce Kanda whose scowl was deep and shadowed and directed at Tykki. The older man seemed to look the dark haired boy over, assessing him quietly but whatever he had seen seemed to meet with his approval since he simply nodded and greeted him politely. It had been about that time when it started to pour and they had all piled into the car with exclamations of dismay, the cool water drenching everything caught in it within moments. And all that while, Kanda never once let his hand go.

Later, when they had been sitting in the front room of Tykki's house, crowded together on a small, comfortable love seat with the others scattered throughout the rest of the room, he had looked at the older boy's face and saw a strange quietness that had arranged the pretty features into a calm mask. He could only ever remember Kanda looking like that on rainy days when they used to read together in that old library and it made his heart skip to see. He had shot the others a quick look to assure himself they were all wrapped up in the board game-turned-betting-war before leaning into the older boy, pressing his face into the strong shoulder and fisting his hand in the red t-shirt.

"I missed you," he'd breathed, the sound of his voice lost under the commotion on the other side of the room. The cool material pressed against his closed eyelids smelled of salt and sunshine and Kanda and he breathed it in deeply so that it imprinted upon his mind and sent of shock of desire through him. A hand came up to cup his chin, making him lift his face so he was looking into the familiar, slanted eyes he had been so sure he would never see again.

"I know…me too, for you," the blue eyes squeezed shut and he saw the older boy swallow, his hand moving around to curl almost painfully into the hair at Allen's nape, "I wanted…" he had stopped and his eyes slid open once more, filled with the pain of things remembered. Slowly, his thumb ran along the line of the younger boy's jaw, the touch soft and sweet, a contradiction of Kanda's nature. It made the pale haired teen's heart race, "I have to go fill out an incident report before the office closes but…will you meet me on the beach after sunset?" then he had smiled that small, crooked smile of his and rubbed that thumb along Allen's bottom lip, making the younger boy gasp softly as pleasant shiver shot through him, "Moyashi," and he had smiled too.

"Yeah, I'll meet you there,"

The sand was hard and smooth under his sneakers from the rain and he paused to remove them, not caring if walking through it wasn't the same when it was wet. It had seemed to take forever for the sun to scuttle from the sky and then he had to convince Tykki to let him go back out alone, worry hidden behind the older man's dark eyes even though he understood the entire story. Still, it was nice to have someone worry over him like that. If it had been Cross, the man would have beat him stupid for nearly drowning himself. He knew, of course, that violence was his guardian's own way of showing his concern but no violence was always better. The tops of his toes looked pale as he wriggled them in the cool sand before setting off towards the water and he watched them as they sunk with each step. In his chest, his heart skipped and tumbled, like he was walking on a tightrope and a single wrong step would send him plunging to the ground far below. His shoes shook in his hands and he clenched his fingers tightly in order to hide it.

Because despite the kiss and the warmth in the slanted blue eyes, he still couldn't be completely sure that he wouldn't be arriving to an empty beach.

If, for some reason, Kanda had decided not to show up, he felt that the precarious pieces of his soul that were just beginning to mend would simply be crushed into fine powder and blow away on the persistent wind. So he kept his eyes down until he could see the tops of the wild, cresting waves, and only then did he raise his gaze to taken in the shadowed slope of the beach.

It was mostly empty at that time of night and the clouds that had just blown in to cover the moon would chase away the few stragglers that he could see, looking like tiny black dots upon the beach. They'd had a series of storms that day and the air had cooled considerably, forcing him to bring along a sweatshirt that he huddled into now, trying to get away from the swift biting wind. As he did, his gaze swept the beach, hunting for that one shadow, that one person he had lost and loved and found again. Though he still wasn't sure why the older boy wanted to meet on the beach, he found himself enjoying the cool water lapping at his feet as he walked slowly down the shore, the salty gusts of wind tugging at his clothing and tangling his pale hair. It was good to get away from the house and the questioning gazes of his friends. They had behaved themselves so far but he could see their desire to grill Kanda mercilessly. He wasn't ready to share anything about their past to anyone yet, especially since he was still trying to figure it out himself and he definitely wasn't ready to share Kanda. This would give them a chance to talk without being interrupted.

Allen walked for long minutes as the wind kicked up and the sea thrashed beside him, beginning to fear that his childhood friend had not come after all when he noticed a silhouette of a long haired shadow sitting upon one of the tall lifeguard chairs. The black hair had been freed from its braid and spread out across the sky like a dark banner and the figure itself looked like it was spun out of the night sky and moonbeams. It was all he could do to remain composed and not shout his elation across the sand. Even so, his heart tripped stupidly over his tongue as he made his way over and pulled himself up onto the chair beside Kanda.

The older boy only greeted him with a slow, shadowed glance and the merest curling of his lips before proceeding to continue staring out at the waves that hissed nearly at the feet of their chair. The silence wasn't a cold one though and Allen was happy to just lean back and follow Kanda's gaze, willing to remain in that very spot all night if that was what the other boy wanted. The water looked darker than the clouded sky at the horizon and he could make out a few distant lights from boats winking upon the water. He wondered if being on one of them at night was how he felt at that moment, cut off from the rest of the world and glad for the relative silence that surrounded them. Then a warm hand slid down his arm to take hold of his wrist and his attention was brought back to the beautiful boy seated next to him.

Kanda had picked up his hand and was studying the thick, swirling pattern on his palm as if he could actually see the tiny, intricate knots that hid the silvery scars from view. His hair blew into his face but Allen could still see his eyes, slanted and beautiful in their reserve. Heat curled up his shoulder from the hand clutching his wrist and he wanted to kiss each knuckle and the tip of each long, elegant finger, only swallowing his desire with difficulty when the older boy spoke.

"You tattooed over them," he said quietly, pushing up the sleeve of the pale haired teen's sweatshirt and lightly tracing more of the dark ink as it was bared. The touch bolted straight through him, making him hot and cold by turns and he found he liked the way the older boy's skin looked so pale against the tattoos. Allen licked his lips and once again pushed away the warmth curling in his belly, telling himself not to get carried away.

"Yeah. I got tired of people staring at my scars like I was some kind of circus freak so I had the tattoos inked over them; give them a different reason to stare," he looked down at his own marred skin and remembered the way the needle had felt going over all the deadened scar tissue, like nothing more than a swift pinch or a none-too-gentle poke. With the nerve damage his arm had taken, he could handle pain a little better than most people and getting the tattoos hadn't hurt. Yet for some reason, he could feel every single tiny touch of Kanda's fingers, delight shivering through him like a sighing wind, "It took two years, a session every month. I think I paid enough to put Artie, the artist that did it, through an entire year of college," he laughed a little at the memory only to have it die when he saw the deep scowl on Kanda's face, "Do you hate them?" the older boy looked up at him finally and his hand tightened on Allen's wrist.

"No, I don't hate them. I hate…that you felt you needed to hide," the deep, smooth voice choked off and the dark haired boy dropped his gaze again and Allen wondered if it wasn't too dark, would he have seen a blush on Kanda's cheeks. The thought made him smile and he curled his inked fingers around the other boy's, leaning his head against the wooden back of the chair. There wasn't much light where they were sitting, the reach of the street lamps on the Promenade reaching only partway across the sand but he let his eyes roam over the shadowed planes of the dark haired boy's face, quietly memorizing everything and then going back to look again, "You were allowed to get tattoos so young?" he could hear the other question in Kanda's voice, the one that asked if Manna had let him get the tattoos without a fuss and he swallowed against the sudden hard lump in his throat. Of course the older boy wouldn't know about that and he supposed he would have to tell him but at the moment, he couldn't bring himself to find the words.

"My, um…my guardian has a bunch himself. It was actually him that said I should do it if I felt I needed to," but then again, Cross had never really been a very fatherly type of man, even in the beginning. He did what he needed to do and Allen had always admired him for that. It also meant that he got away with a lot more when he was growing up than most kids did but Cross had never slacked in teaching the pale haired boy responsibility and right from wrong. Kanda's eyes snapped to his face when he said the word guardian but, for the time being, he didn't ask.

"Why, though?" he asked instead, holding Allen's hand cradled on his thigh, thumb moving absently on the soft skin of the scarred wrist, "You didn't dye your hair or cover up the mark on your face and yet you hid the scars. I don't get it," he closed his eyes against the question and for a few moments didn't answer. He could feel the dark gaze watching him carefully and the way Kanda continued to roll his thumb at the base of his hand but in his mind he could hear screaming and fire licking against his side, memories from a long time ago flooding over him. When he finally opened his eyes again, the dark haired boy had not looked away and the expression in his eyes was calm and waiting.

"I was…there was a fire…when I was really small. It was Manna who pulled me out of it…so every time I saw the scars, I couldn't help but think of him," his voice hitched and the circles against his wrist paused for a moment. The dark eyes looked bottomless and he could barely meet them.

"Your guardian is not Manna," it wasn't a question but he shook his head anyway, turning his face towards the wind for a minute as if he had tears on his cheeks that he wished to be blown away. Kanda had always been good at reading his expressions and the fingers wrapped around his own tightened, the warmth of the older boy's palm gentle and comforting.

"No. Manna…he was killed less than a year after…a few weeks before my eighth birthday," this time the silence was complete, only disturbed by the ever present sound of the rushing waves and the howling wind. Time had numbed the ache of the loss and he could talk about it without feeling like there was barbed wire caught in his throat but the grief was still there, something that he had never really been able to get over. Just like Kanda. Without thinking, he slid sideways in the chair and rested his head against the older boy's shoulder, staring out to sea with eyes that stung from salt and driving sand. In the silence he could feel Kanda's sympathy and understanding and he moved their linked hands so that they now rested upon his own thigh, taking in the way the older boy's skin looked so pale against the tattoo ink.

Only when the silence became heavy with unsaid words and the storm that was slowly advancing upon them in the sky did he tip his head back so he could see the dark haired boy's face, pressing his mouth against the curve of the elegant neck.

"Why didn't you say goodbye?" he whispered and it could have been screamed for the startling impact it had. The older boy went very still, his breathing even slowing down and Allen would have been worried if he didn't feel the way Kanda's pulse sped up against his lips. The spicy scent of him filled the pale haired teen's nose and he wanted to stick his tongue out to see if the taste of the older boy's skin would match. But he wanted to hear Kanda's answer more so he held still, matching his breathing in time to the hiss of the waves and smiling when the dark haired boy seemed to do the same. Then a strong arm curled around his waist and Kanda dropped his head to bury his face in the pale strands of Allen's hair, the long exhale warm and teasing against his scalp.

"Because I…I've always loved your smile and I couldn't…I didn't want to remember it broken because of something I did," Kanda's hold on him tightened and the younger boy sat in numb shock for a moment, completely thrown by the admission. He had not been expecting that as the older boy's answer; he'd thought he would get an excuse or a vague reason but the words that had been spoken curled around his heart like a coil of heated copper and he had to press his palm over his chest or he thought it would simply spill out. A soft kiss was laid upon his head and he had to close his eyes against the sweetness, "Do you know why I had to leave?" the question broke the moment but not the atmosphere and Allen was able to nod, feeling the skin of Kanda's neck sliding against his lips. This time, he didn't resist the temptation to lick it and got a little thrill when the older boy shivered.

"Yes, I went to Judy's funeral. You could have told me, though. It wouldn't have been so much of a shock when you disappeared," his voice sounded faintly accusing even to his own ears and again the older boy's hold tightened around him, pressing him into the slender chest. Overhead thunder rumbled but neither of them made a move to get up. He could have stayed there even if the seas rose up and swallowed them both because if this was a dream, he never wanted it to end.

"I know," Kanda's whisper was harsh and full of remembered pain, "I just…I'm sorry that it happened that way," a hand swept over his hip and desire thrummed with the distant lightening, charging the air around them until it was stifling and difficult to breathe, "Your smile broke anyway, though," and the sighed words were swept away by the ocean and the brewing storm. Allen stared blankly at the horizon again, wondering how the older boy could have seen the plaster he used to construct his smiles and realized he was glad that he had. He wanted his childhood friend to see the truth about him because he knew that Kanda would never be disgusted by him. Their loss was shared and while they coped with it differently, they could recognize it in each other anyway.

"Did you ever wonder," he asked after a few moments, glad that they were relatively sheltered from the sharp wind now roaring down the line of the beach, "what would have happened if you never left?" the touch on his wrist, which had picked up again some time ago, stopped and he listened to the older boy's heartbeat, rapid and steady. There was a hitch of breath near his ear and he realized that this childhood friend had given this as much thought as he himself had. It was comforting to know that he had not been alone in his heartbreak even as he wished for Kanda to never have to feel that way again.

"Every day, moyashi," the other boy's voice was rough again and sounded like he had swallowed sand but it made Allen's heart soar, "that's how many times I thought about running away and going back, to find out if you had forgotten about me or if I could tell you…it should have been more. We should have had longer…" Allen clenched his fist in the older boy's shirt and turned his head to bury his nose in the curve of his neck again, overwhelmed to have the very words he had thought over and over in his head spoken back to him and in a voice laced with the very same longing that matched his own. Only when he had blinked away the sheen of tears from his eyes did he sit back and loop his arms around Kanda's neck, drawing so close he could feel the older boy's breath on his cheek.

"It was just on delay," he whispered, knowing he would be heard over the rush of the waves, "This is what it was always meant to be," and he leaned in the rest of the way, capturing the dark haired boy's lips in a sweet, soft kiss. And it really did feel like that, like they were simply picking up where they had left off but now they could understand the depths of their feelings. Now they understood how to act on them, how to become closer with slow, gut churning kisses that made his toes curl and his lungs ache. All the things that had been said and not been said glowed between them like bright letters burning in the air, lighting it up like fireworks. Or maybe the fireworks were exploding inside of his own head.

The contact began innocently enough, with him pressing his lips to Kanda's and simply leaning his weight on his hand that was planted on one of the older boy's long, slender thighs. The soft skin of their mouths melded together, warm and gentle and he sighed into it, eyelids fluttering closed. Behind them he could see the surge of the waves that was his own rapid pulse, bliss like sunlight rising within him and his entire world was _Kanda. _The firm lips and the rich scent and the dark hair being blown around by the wind wrapping around his wrists and elbows and neck, like little scraps of silk sliding against his skin. All the while, the storm continued to advance, growling threateningly like some beast that circled the tall chair.

Just like the first kiss they had shared on the beach right after the older boy had nearly dislocated his jaw, he parted his lips, his mouth aching with the need for something more. The invitation was readily taken and his moan rattled in the back of his throat, in harmony with the thunder, as Kanda's tongue glided across the top of his own. It sent a shower of sparkling desire down his spine and he curled his tongue around the slick muscle teasing the roof of his mouth, not even realizing he had fisted his hands into the older boy's long pony tail. Strong, slender hands bunched in the back of his sweatshirt that suddenly seemed much too heavy, dragging him closer and the kiss deepened, becoming breathless and almost painful.

The first drops of rain started to fall just as they dragged themselves away long enough to take a few ragged breaths, the blue eyes that met his own dark with desire. The older boy's lips shone from their kisses and he couldn't stop himself from tilting his head so he could drag his tongue over that perfect bottom lip, watching intently as Kanda's eyelids fluttered with the action. So he did it again, just to drink in the older boy's reaction, burning with the flavor that flooded over his taste buds. And the entire time, their gazes never wavered, unable to look away from the eyes that belonged to a boy he had thought he would never see again. It lent an intensity to their next kiss that rattled him down to his very soul, confirming that yes, this was real, yes, Kanda was there, yes, Kanda was his.

"Moyashi," the other boy murmured softly against Allen's lips and he drank it in, tugging the tie out of the long, dark hair so that it could spill around them like the night loosened from its chains in the sky, the scent of shampoo and something distinctly Kanda swirling around him like an embrace. The rain fell harder upon their heads but he merely pressed forward for another kiss, sealing his mouth over the older boy's, unable to get enough of the slick heat, the pleasure of his tongue against another, of the soft scrape of teeth when one of them got a little careless. It all built up within him and began to heat up in is groin, resembling the storm that was beginning to unleash its fury over their heads. Rain water dripped down their faces and snuck in between the corners of their lips, adding yet another flavor to the heady mix of their saliva.

"You know," he managed to gasp as they parted once more for air, shifting in Kanda's hold so that he could put his knees on either side of the older boy's thighs, grinning crookedly, "That name doesn't really apply anymore. I'm almost as tall as you are," the deep blue gaze eyed him sternly for a moment and he watched the way the rain began to plaster down the black strands that fell about the pretty features. Then Kanda licked his lips as if he was trying to collect the rain water and Allen's taste, his hands reaching for the bottom of the younger boy's sweatshirt as he did.

"That name will always apply to you," Kanda kissed him again, long and hard and his lips were curled in a small smile when he pulled away again. All Allen could do was laugh helplessly; in all honesty, he would rather the older boy call him that than by his own name because it was theirs. It meant something and hearing it made him happier than he ever would have thought it would. Around them lightening split the sky, giving him a bright impression of the dark haired boy's face before leaving them once more in shadows. In that single moment, he was able to see the depth of Kanda's desire and it made him ache in ways he had never dreamed possible.

With his help, they managed to pull his sweatshirt off and he barely had time to shiver as the cool rain soaked right through his t-shirt before Kanda laid him down upon the chair, hovering over him like a great shadow. His weight pressed down between Allen's parted legs and as their mouths joined again, sucking and slick, he could feel the desire pooling in his belly, becoming liquid heat. It was hard to concentrate on the kiss when the older boy rocked ever so slightly as he tried to get deeper into the pale haired teen's mouth, friction making him go from half hard to completely erect in a matter of seconds. Pleasure and need rolled through him, making him forget about how the rain was making everything slippery and cold; Kanda became the entirety of his focus.

The older boy must have noticed his state as well because when he slid up against Allen again, it was with a small rotation of his hips and the pale haired boy broke away to tip his head back and gasp for air, the heat flooding his body suddenly overpowering. He didn't even caring when water splashed into his mouth. He tried to copy the movement, reaching down to cradle Kanda's butt with his hands, wanting more of that blissful friction. The action made the dark haired boy chuckle, the sound vibrating against damp, pale skin as he kissed a line along the younger boy's exposed neck.

"It's raining," Kanda's eyes were bright and he moved his hips again, dragging them along Allen's groin teasingly, making the younger boy shudder and moan. But the hard length trapped in the older boy's pants could not be hidden and he forced himself to open his eyes, to look at the vision of the person poised over him. He was stunning, with his soaked hair dripping into his face and his eyes only visible when a flash of bluish electricity dashed across the sky and the longing and need was so stark it made him even more breathless. With a growl, he grabbed two handfuls of inky hair and dragged the other boy down so that their noses where nearly touching, wrapping one leg around Kanda's narrow hips.

"I don't give a damn," and crushed their lips together, as if he could fuse himself with the older boy's very body by force. They kissed like that for what felt like forever and yet not nearly long enough, all teeth and tongues and eager lips. Around them the sea crashed and the rain hissed and the lightening whipped in huge, broken forks, followed swiftly by a low snarl of thunder. Fingers slick with rain found purchase under clothes, stroking backs and abdominals, sliding over ribs and into navels. He arched his back when the older boy moved his hips in a sudden roll, making the younger boy try to copy him, crying out only to have the wind and the frenzy of the storm take it right from his mouth. Pressure and heat were building up in his belly and in the sharp flashes of light given to them by the jagged lightning, he could see the echoing pleasure on the dark haired boy's face.

Then there were hands pulling at his belt and he had to focus past the darkness and the haze of bliss to see the older boy hurriedly trying to get his pants open. His movements were hungry and a little unsteady, interrupted every few moments when one of them would stick their tongues into the other's mouth. Words fizzled at the back of his throat and he pushed weakly at Kanda's shoulder but the older boy just shrugged him off, his face blazing in the next flicker of light. By then they couldn't hear each other but he could see the naked want, could feel the blinding need and he relaxed, watching with half closed eyes as his childhood friend undid the zipper and parted the soggy material of his jeans. Inside his chest, his heart pounded, anticipation and lust burning like a fire under his skin until he couldn't even feel the cool touch of the driving rain.

Elegant fingers slipped easily into his boxers and he felt his thighs tremble as Kanda eased the material back, allowing the younger boy's hard cock to spring free. A shock burst through him as the cold water dripped onto his hot, sensitive skin, making him gasp but that hardly mattered a moment later because the older boy had slid down so that his lips were level with the tip of Allen's erection, breath hot and face shielding him from the rainfall. He wanted to protest even as his cock twitched eagerly with the thought of the dark haired boy kissing it, licking it,_ sucking it down his throat…_

When the first touch came, he fairly shouted, head slamming back against the arm of the chair, the fire of pleasure burning through him as a hot tongue traced the thick vein on the underside of his cock. Not even the pain in his head could distract him from the way Kanda's fingers slowly caressed his shaft at the base or how his long, wet hair slid over his exposed hips and upper thighs. Then he was being taken into the hot suction of the older boy's mouth and he couldn't breathe. It felt so good, encircling his throbbing tip, tongue teasing his slit and tracing the curve of the hood. He might have cried out, might have called Kanda's name but all he could hear was the crash of the waves and the echo of the thunder and the pounding, roaring in his ears.

The storm that raged around them seemed to make it that much more intense. All around them was sound and fury and rain but that was all secondary, a prop in the waves of bliss that rode over him as the older boy swallowed him down his throat again and again. His black hair looked like ribbons of ink painted onto Allen's pale skin as Kanda moved his head and it felt smooth in his fingers when he couldn't refrain from cradling the dark head with his shaking hands.

And always the pleasure deepened, blooming all around him, through him like a flare of burning white light. It melded with the anger of the storm until he was merciless in its wake, swept away by the depth of it. Every hot, wet glide of the older boy's mouth over his cock matched the rhythm of the storm, of the waves and he flexed his hips into the hand holding him down. It was graceful, perfect, like a choreographed dance and he abandoned himself to it, feeling like his entire being was a part of it.

Just as he was about to give in to the crackle of pleasure that made him tremble and cry out, he lifted his head, needing to see Kanda when he came to find the dark eyes were staring right back at him. His lips were stretched around the pale haired teen's erection, sucking him deeper with every swallow and around the curve of his leg, Allen could see the older boy had his free hand down his own pants, moving it time to the constrictions of his throat.

Allen thought that coming was a lot like drowning. He couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't see. Everything came down to the waves of hot bliss flowing through him, out of him, shuddering and pulsing and _oh, God, so good_

…and with every intense pulse of pleasure, Kanda swallowed it all down, taking everything that the younger boy gave.

Gasping for breath and feeling rain water running down the back of his throat, he cracked his eyes open in time to watch his childhood friend shiver and jerk his head off of Allen's cock, cum dripping from his chin as he threw his head back. The line of his neck and he back as he started to come was gorgeous, shining with water and dark where his hair stuck to his skin, rubbing against the younger boy's leg in sharp movements. Still shaky himself, the pale haired teen pressed his leg against Kanda's groin, breathless when the older boy dropped his head with a moan that was audible over the sound of the storm. Only then, when he was spent, did his fall forwards, pressing his face into Allen's bare stomach.

They lay there like that for a few moments, catching their breath and listening to the storm begin to subside, the rain cooling their overheated skin and making them both shiver. He didn't care about the cold, though. Not when he had Kanda sprawled between his legs and still drooping from climax. In fact, nothing sort of a tidal wave could have broken the peace that had settled beneath his skin and made him move from that chair. Hot breath puffed against one of his hips and he glanced down at the top of the dark head, thinking that Kanda's hair looked perfect against his silvery pale skin.

"Yuu," he murmured and slipped his hands into the fall of wet hair, smiling when the older boy lifted his head to look at him. The rain had all but stopped and the thunder had moved on, rumbling over the ocean now like some agitated beast, kept company by its lover, the lightening. _We are like that_, he thought as he repeated the older boy's name, running the dark hair through his fingers and over his wrist, _me like the lightening and he, the thunder, dark and moody and beautiful. _"Yuu," and that beautiful face shone like the moon when he crawled back up Allen's body to kiss him again.

He tasted of Kanda, of cum, of rain and Allen drank him in, wishing he could stay like that forever. Then…

"We're soaked," he said it in a dark, deadpan and the pale haired boy glanced at Kanda, startled before bursting into laughter. The older boy looked annoyed, plucking at his wet t-shirt but Allen kissed him soundly, licking at his teeth and he relaxed, settling his weight onto the boy under him. He responded by wrapping his arms tightly around Kanda's neck, trying to ignore the way their bare cocks rubbed together enticingly.

"Yeah…"

*0*0*0*0*

_That night they would not be separated, the connection between them burning so brightly that they could both feel it twining like glowing red threads, knotting around them until they could never be free. _

_Not that either of them wanted that. The twelve years that they had been apart had been a long enough separation and neither could live without the other now that they had come together again, in every sense of the word. They were _together_, their bodies, their hearts, cemented by trial and by storm and by deep, abiding love that had not faded but had grown stronger even in absence. _

_Up on the balcony that jutted off from Allen's spacious attic room, they lay together on a blanket that they dragged out to protect them from the cool wood floor, looking at each other as if they still could not believe it was true. Fingers wandered over skin that was slowly freed from damp clothing and lips and tongues found all the little places that made the other squirm and moan and gasp for breath. Kisses were pressed to shoulders and necks, to nipples and hips, to thighs and chests, followed by sucks then nips, flaming the desire that flickered between them, burning like bright stars within their souls._

_Kanda was beautiful when he was spread out on the blanket, exposed and looking up at Allen with passion and want. His face flushed appealingly when the younger boy slowly stroked his jutting erection, marveling over how it felt in his hand and the dark haired boy felt every single touch all the way down to his toes. Fingers on his cock, then between his legs, slipping around to find deeper, more secret places and he couldn't help but cry out Allen's name when the pale haired teen finally moved inside of him, filling him until he thought he would unravel. _

_They made love to each other on that balcony, protected now from the pattering rain that continued to fall, becoming what they were meant to be all along. It had come full circle, the forming of the bond, the inevitable love, the loss and loneliness, the waiting and now, back again, where they built upon the connection between them with every whispered word, every touch, every thrust. _

_And later, when Kanda woke up sometime in the middle of the night and reached for his pale haired lover, Allen wrapped him in his embrace and opened himself up to let the older boy sink into his heat. _

_Every time, when their eyes would meet, they came to understand, little by little, that they needed the time apart to truly know just how much they meant to each other. And while those three little words didn't need to be spoken for they were murmured with every move they made, it was spoken anyway…_

"_I missed you," breathless, _I'm glad you're here…

_Moaned, "Don't leave again…."_ You're mine…

... "_Love you…I love you…"_

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When he had opened his eyes the next morning, Kanda didn't know at first where he was. The ceiling over his head was too bright to be the one from his room at the hotel and he knew there wasn't supposed to be a fan spinning lazily in the gentle breeze. Not to mention the surface upon which he was laying was hard and yet he was curiously comfortable and warm, a contradiction in itself. Then he turned his head and he could see through the slats of the railing next to his head out onto the opposite street and he remembered; that he was not in his room at all but on a balcony of a strange house wrapped around a boy with pale hair and a beautiful, lonely smile.

It seemed too good to be true, that everything that had happened in the last couple of days had been nothing but a fleeting dream but when he shifted and glanced down, he found that no, it had been real after all. His own limbs were curled securely around Allen's lithe form, holding the younger boy closely against his chest so that they could share their body warmth and the comfort of each other's embrace. It seemed so familiar, like he had been waking up this way very morning for years and yet so novel, so new that it stole his breath away. If he had known that he would be given such a gift a week ago, he would have laughed in outright disbelief. But now…_now..._

Allen's eyelashes looked like threads of spun ice lying gently upon his cheeks, flickering slightly as he breathed in and out, caught in the webs of a dream the dark haired boy wished he could see. The pale head was turned towards him on the seat cushion they had dragged down from one of the balcony chairs to use as a pillow the night before, his hair spread out on the dark material like a fan of frost. It was tangled and ruffled from several sessions of mind-blowing sex and sleep but Kanda knew it would feel like silk running through his fingers despite that. Where their bare skin touched was like a bright flash of fire, curling through his limbs like sluggish sunlight and he couldn't tear his eyes away from his lover's face as he slept.

_Lover_.

It rang through his mind like a struck gong, deep and resonating and his entire being seemed to shift, adjusting to the truth of the word. Lover meant another person was with him, beside him, to become his just as he had become that person's. It meant he was no longer alone, permanently, forever. He belonged within someone else's heart and that same someone else had taken his, filled up every last corner of it until he felt like his lunges were about to spill over and his chest was too small. They could share things, small things and big things and everything in between, from what they were going to wear to where they were going to live, whether together or apart. Their pasts, their present and perhaps, if he allowed himself to hope, their futures, together so that neither would have to continue on alone.

The younger boy stirred in his arms as a car went by on the street below, turning farther into Kanda's embrace and he held his breath, waiting to see if the luminous gray eyes would flicker open. But Allen remained asleep, face calm and peaceful and the older boy allowed himself to relax again. He found himself enjoying the quiet morning with nothing to worry about but the beautiful expression of the pale haired teen's sleeping face and how the sofy, creamy skin felt against his own.

And as he looked, eyes taking in the livid crimson tattoo, he recalled the conversation they'd had last night before falling asleep the first time.

He'd been leaning over Allen, laying on his side and propped up on his elbow so that he could see his lover's face, the younger boy flat on his back beside him, breathing as if he would fall asleep. Back and forth the tip of his index finger would follow the stark red lines etched onto the snowy skin, doing as he has wanted to ever since he had seen the mark. Pale strands of hair tickled his hand as he moved it but his eyes remained on the tattoo, memorizing the livid shape. Allen's eyelid would flicker every time he passed over it but otherwise he remained still, letting Kanda trace the strange mark on his face. When he was younger, he had never thought to ask about it; it was part of his childhood friend and he had never had a need to question it but as he had gotten older, his curiosity about the tattoo sharpened.

"I remember the day I got that," Allen's voice was stark against the soft hiss of misty rain still falling outside the protection of the balcony roof and Kanda had paused in his ministrations when he saw that the younger boy was watching him through the shadows. The silvery eyes remained on him this time as the dark haired boy traced the tattoo one last time, lingering on the up-side-down pentacle that blazed on the pale forehead, "I think I was four so most of that time is a little…blank but…I remember how much it hurt," the wide gaze turned away so that the older boy wouldn't have to see the expression in them but he could sense that Allen was going to say more so he remained quiet, "They came for my parents during my fourth birthday party. I can't remember if there were a lot of people there or if I had friends but they came in like wolves among a flock of sheep, with their intimidating tattoos and their guns," Kanda tensed, tasting bile in the back of his throat. He'd known that his lover's past was a dark one but not to what extent. Now that he was being told, he wasn't all that sure he wanted to know after all.

"It was so long ago that I've forgotten what my parents looked like and even what their names were. I never thought to ask Manna when he was alive because it wasn't important then. He did tell me that the people that broke into our house that day where hired by a lone shark my parents had borrowed money from. They hadn't been able to pay back the interest so…" the soft tenor had died off then, the last word hanging in the air like a crooked number on a battered hotel door and Kanda had the sudden need to touch the younger boy. Before Allen could start speaking again, he shifted forward so he lay against the pale haired boy, their bodies fitting together perfectly. A slender hand curled into his hair at the base of his neck and he kissed the skin under his lips, tasting salt and musk. When the words resumed again, they sounded steadier.

"Naturally, my parents couldn't give them the money and they said as much. But men like that…they took me and threw me into the neighbor's pool, saying they wouldn't let me back out until they got their money...I was only four. I couldn't swim," Kanda's breath caught, understanding flooding over him. No wonder Allen had never been able to learn how to swim; with a trauma like that at such an early age, the fear became ingrained and turned into a phobia. Instead of being able to listen to instruction should he even try to take lessons, he would merely panic, brought on by the terror he'd experienced when he was so young. He tightened his hold around the pale haired boy, chest aching fiercely and the fingers in his hair soothed his distress, "They didn't pull me out until I had nearly drowned and still my parents couldn't give them the money. I can remember a woman crying, though I don't really remember her face and a man begging…" a humorless smile had curled onto the full lips, highlighted by the dull light from the streetlamps in front of the house, making Kanda wish he could swallow it whole so he would never have to see it again.

"I don't blame them. Not really. They made a mistake and ended up paying for it. The men that took me, they wanted to kill me along with my parents but one of them, he said to keep me a live," another bitter sneer, this one accompanied by a flash of pale eyes, "I was more useful to them alive. They shot my parents in the back yard and sold me off to a slavery ring that exploited and sold off young children," slender fingers reached up and lingered on the edge of the sharp, red lines upon Allen's face, "Those children they branded, making them _property,_" he spat the word, anger still ringing in his voice and something in the older boy simmered hotly. Gritting his teeth, he caught Allen's hand and slipped the fingers he had used to touch the tattoo past his lips and into his mouth. The wide, cerulean eyes flew to his then, reflecting dark shadows and then his lips had crooked upwards in a tiny, grudging smile. Only then did Kanda release him, pressing a kiss to his palm as he did.

"You are no one's property," he'd whispered and they welded their lips together for long, breathless moments, as if trying to erase the darkness of the past with the present. But the story wasn't done and he didn't want to distract Allen from finishing it. Not because he _needed_ to know but because the younger boy needed him to know. And that made all the difference.

"I can't remember anything after they put the tattoo on me. There is only a blank year and a half that I am told is probably better if I don't remember," Kanda must have looked at him strange because the younger boy sighed and looked back at the dark ceiling, "Manna took me to a therapist once, right after he adopted me and they said that the reason I couldn't remember was because I had chosen not to and it was unlikely that I ever would. I'm glad I can't remember. I don't want to know what they had done to me or who they had sold me off to. It really doesn't matter anyway," the dark haired boy couldn't help but tighten his hold on the younger teen then, the bleak acceptance in his voice thick and consuming.

"It matters," his voice had been deep and fierce and the pale haired boy had looked at him in surprise, eyes widening when Kanda caught his chin and dusted a line of fleeting kisses over the blood red tattoo bisecting his eye, "It matters that this was done to you and that you were hurt. I won't ever let something like that happen to you again…I _swear, _Moyashi," their gazes had connected and the light gray depths had been clear and full of light. Allen reached up and rubbed his thumb along the older boy's lips, eyelids fluttering when it was pulled into Kanda's mouth once again.

"I know," and the silence that followed had been full of warm lips and silky skin sliding together, their voices blending in a perfect accord. After, when the younger boy was laying across his chest and drawing swirling dragons over his skin, he had resumed speaking, this time his voice more muted and rough than before, "I was kept in a basement, in the dark most of the time. I remember the dark and the chains and that there were other kids there besides me. There was a police raid; they must have finally caught up with the slavery ring. Manna told me that they had been looking for that particular one for nearly fifteen years. It was him who saved me when the entire building caught on fire, killing most of the children kept down there with me," Kanda's fingers had followed the swirling pattern on Allen's arm them, the touches gentle and searching.

"So, that's where you got the scars?" he murmured, his own voice subdued and he felt more than saw the pale head nodding. Then the inked fingers lifted and twined with his own and he glanced down to see the wide gaze watching him, once more glazed over with shadows.

"Can you tell me something now?" the question had been asked timidly and his dark eyebrows had lifted in surprise. Then he realized what Allen had just given him and he understood. He'd told Kanda something he had probably never talked about to anyone else, including Manna, bearing the most vulnerable part of himself to another person. Even if it was his childhood friend who, even after twelve years, understood him better than anyone else did, he had extended his hand and was waiting for Kanda to do the same.

So he did. He told him about how, when he was seven, his parents had been killed in a train crash. They had lived in Japan and the only reason why he had been sent to America was because he had an Aunt living in Massachusetts. But she was a distant relative who had children of her own and had just been divorced so she had been forced to give him up to the state. After that, he had been tossed from foster home to foster home, some of them abusive, many neglectful, only finding a sliver of kindness and hope when he was with the Fields. Allen listened to him talk haltingly, asking a question here or there or exclaiming in outrage when the older boy described one of the worse homes he had been sent to. Despite the fact that he wasn't scared like the younger boy or traumatized, it was still difficult to speak about it aloud; especially since he tried to forget most of it in his own mind.

"…I finally ran away when I was still in high school. It didn't make sense to stay anymore," the younger boy had remained quiet for a long moment before he glanced up through his silvery bangs, face glowing in the light spilling in from the street.

"You're very good at running away, aren't you…?" he paused, the only sound the soft breeze and the rain before he spoke again, "But Kanda…" he had lifted himself onto his elbows, hovering over the older boy and Kanda had been forced to take in the serious cast to his pale eyes and the set of his full mouth, "You can't do that anymore," his hand cupped the older boy's jaw and his eyes softened, "I mean, you don't need to," and it was true. Kanda had been running his entire life, away from the shadow of his parents' death, away from anything that could tie him down, could hurt him, could make him bleed. But Allen was his home; he would always make sure that the older boy was never hurt or in need and there was no more need to run.

"I don't _want_ to," he'd breathed and found out what it was like to love and be loved all at once, over and over until they passed out from exhaustion.

It was the flickering of Allen's eyes that drew Kanda back to the present, the gray hazy and flat from just waking. He was terribly cute like that, slowly coming back from the shores of sleep, confused and flushed and looking so enticing the older boy had to greet him with a kiss. It burned through him in a blaze of sunny warmth and even though neither of them had the greatest breath, he didn't hesitate when the younger boy parted his lips to let him in. In his throat was caught the most alluring hum of pleasure and Kanda was suddenly battling desire he thought had been sated at least for a little while.

"Kanda…"Allen's voice was a soft ghosting breeze over his lips when he pulled back and the older boy nearly choked when he saw the silvery eyes gazing at him in hazy wonder and warmth, "So it wasn't a dream," slender arms wrapped around his neck and he lost himself in the younger boy's mouth, trapped by his tongue and his lips and his teeth, relearning his taste and the places that made him sigh or moan when caressed.

"Not a dream," he confirmed as they were parted for air, skin already feeling too warm and need beginning to rush through him in a flurry of light and fire. With a swift movement, he was laying upon Allen, lining their bodies up so that their cocks rubbed together, beginning to thicken and harden as they continued to lap at each other's lips and both of them groaned with the friction. And he was just beginning to think of ways in which to satisfy the lust this time…

…when the door to the balcony flew open, emitting an entirely too bubbly Lavi.

"What the _fuck_!" Kanda had enough sense not to move because he didn't want to give anyone else a full view of his very naked and rather hard moyashi but he did whip his head around so he could snarl at the intruder. The red head was staring at them in surprise, as if he wasn't expecting to find them in such a compromising position, "If you don't leave _now_, I swear, you'll die in a very bloody and painful mess," Allen snorted under him, arms still wrapped securely around the older boy's neck and Lavi lifted his hands, taking a step back.

"Dude, it's not like I've never seen it before. I'll have you remember that Tykki is my…" that was about as far as he got before Kanda was whipping one of the pillows at his head. The red head ducked with a yelp but when he straightened, he was grinning, "Allen, I don't think your boy here is a morning person," a second cushion was thrown then, this time hitting Lavi square in the face and making him stumble.

"Bloody. Painful. _Fucking. Death. _Now _GET OUT!" _the red head ducked behind the open French doors but he didn't leave right away. Instead he poked his head around the door and grinned at Allen who was snickering behind his hand, of all things.

"He's got a nice ass, Allen-my-boy. Nice catch," he said with a wink, making Kanda's mouth fall open in shock, only to be surprised further when Allen outright laughed.

"I know. Thanks," he didn't even notice when the red head left because he was staring at the younger boy with eyes so wide they were in danger of falling out of his head. The pale haired teen burst out laughing before drawing him into a kiss that Kanda was still to shocked to return. When he finally found his voice, he pushed the younger boy away and sputtered.

"How could you…w-what…how dare you…" a finger halted his stumbling words and he looked into the pale gray gaze that was sparkling with amusement and something deeper that made a warm shiver glide down his spine. With a finesse he didn't know Allen possessed, the older boy found himself on his back staring up at his lover whose hands were wandering over his stomach and thighs.

"Shh, Kanda. He's harmless; he and Tykki are very devoted to each other," the amusement faded into a more dangerous glint and the older boy felt his mouth go dry from desire and anticipation, "I have to say, though, he was right about your ass," slender hands slipped around and cupped his buttocks, squeezing them and making the dark haired boy tip his head back with a groan, pleasure already fizzling through him. The voice in his ear a moment later was thick and low with lust, "Can I taste it?" all Kanda could do was nod and tell himself to keep breathing.

…and when he felt the first hot swipe of Allen's tongue against his entrance, he was lost…

_**...To be continued

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omg, I think I OD'd on fluff..._**  
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	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: YATTA! IT'S DONE! *dead* I can breathe again! hahaha. The epilogue is finally up and I can now move on to other fics that are screaming for attention! I must say, however, that I am rather disappointed in the responses I got for the last chapter. Really, guys? Yes, some of you really liked it and I thank you for that. However, for those of you who were upset about Allen being seme, let me clear up a few things. First of all, if you read the section in my profile about my views on the seme/uke relationships, you would see that I am a strong advocate of EQUAL LOVE. They are both men! They should both get a chance to top! And, the main smut wasn't even a full lemon, so neither one of them topped! Secondly, in the parts that came after the scene on the beach, I mentioned that Kanda topped as well. I was so discouraged that I almost didn't post this. But because there were those of you who didn't say that they liked it and then went on to criticize it, I thought it was only fair. *takes a deep breath* well, here is the end (finally) of this fic. Despite the dissatisfaction with the smut, I hope you all enjoyed. Until next time...

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It was just a picture, in a cheap metal frame, still shiny with newness and sitting next to another picture that was at once older and younger. The two frames sat side by side on a simple, generic dresser, one of the past, of two young boys who shone with warmth and joy. The other was of those two same boys but older, wiser, bearing life in the darkness in their eyes. Yet they still both smiled at the camera, arms wound around each other, more intimately than in the first one and, if anything, the joy had intensified, becoming a warm glow in the gray and deep blue gazes. In the background of the picture were tame, hissing waves and a clear blue sky, the first day after the two boys had become everything to each other and more. The day had reflected their feelings, warm and bright and perfect. The sunlight shone in the depths of the dark haired boy's deep eyes and the pale, silvery hair of the other, contrasting against the sharp, red mark that wandered across the pale skin. They looked right together, fitting with perfect ease within the frame and each other's arms, the renewed love of two boys that had been separated for far too long and then reunited once again.

Every day Kanda paused to look at that picture whenever he passed by the dresser, taking in the pale haired boy who was now his lover and his future; and instead of pain, there was only a soft glow of warmth, brought on by the image and the memory of that one boy's smile. Three weeks ago that second picture had been taken, marking the start of something great and new and altogether brilliant. Though that had been the very same day Allen had left his side, he knew that what they had begun wasn't over. It wouldn't be for a very long time, if he had his way.

Three weeks and four days. That was how long it would take for the pale haired boy to complete high school, get his diploma and drive back down to the Cape for good. They had talked about it the morning they had woken up wrapped around each other, the same day they learned about their respective pasts. Though Kanda had hated to sound insecure, he had not been able to remain silent, asking Allen in a sullen voice when the younger boy would be going back home. It had occurred to him that he could simply go back with the pale haired boy, that nothing was really keeping him at the Cape but there was nothing for him in West Earl anymore…except Allen. But the younger boy had smiled at him and threaded his fingers through the long strands of his black hair.

"I'll be back, Yuu. I graduate from school on June seventh. I'll be back down here on the eighth," and the kiss he had given the older boy was like the sealing of a promise.

Kanda scrubbed at his hair with a towel, glad to have finally managed to hop in the shower before collapsing into bed. He had somehow gotten his job back at the Lobster House, his case argued to none other than the owner by Angela. She had come to see him not long after Allen had left, demanding he come back to work at the restaurant as it was, "boring without him stirring up trouble," as she put it. Though he wasn't too fond of her reasoning, he was grateful to get his much needed job back. Without it, he would not have been able to remain in his room at the Congress. It was his first day off in what felt like forever and he had just come back from the beach ready to crash onto his bed and pass out.

The picture on the dresser caught his eye though and he paused on his way to the bed, staring down at it. Allen had smiled so much that day he thought his heart might burst and though a simple picture could not do the real thing justice, it was better than nothing until the younger boy came back. He stilled dreamed about it; that night in the storm and what had followed, the pleasure and the bright, exploding happiness following him doggedly through his dreams. Though he knew his lover was coming back, it still felt empty and wrong without Allen there with him. _But it isn't permanent, not this time. We know for sure we are going to see each other again…_

Just as he was pulling up a pair of sweat pants over his hips and tossing his towel through the open bathroom door to be picked up at another time, a flash of something out the window caught his eye. The sun was already setting but the light blazed across the sky in a riot of bloody color and shone upon the earth like a scattering of a million jewels. And in the parking lot, it sank into the bright silvery hair of a boy walking calmly across the asphalt and shone like a beacon.

Kanda was out of his room and down on the street level before he even had time to think, the only thing running through his mind was _three days…he's early, it was supposed to be three more days_.

And then Allen was in his arms and they were both laughing as they embraced and kissed heatedly, not caring one whit if people were looking on in astonishment or shock. He didn't care because the boy he had loved most of his life was once again real and solid in his arms, kissing him back with the honeyed warmth his mouth had been craving for the last couple of weeks.

"You're early," he muttered in between nipping at the younger boy's bottom lip and sucking it into his mouth. Allen huffed a little laugh that sounded more like a groan before pushing him gently away, hands sinking into Kanda's still damp hair.

"Yeah, I couldn't stay away any longer. I can still get my diploma even though I don't walk in the ceremony," another long, deep kiss followed, the rich taste and the pleasure making the older boy's toes curl. This was how it was supposed to be, how it should have been. But he had promised not to dwell on what he should have had instead of what had really happened because it was alright now. Allen was with him, smiling and loving him and that was all he needed.

"You're here," he whispered, tipping his head forward so their foreheads connected comfortably. Allen hummed softly, eyes shining in the bright sunset like clear springs of winter.

"I'm here…" they stood like that for a long moment, soaking in the knowledge that they didn't have to move if they didn't want to; that nothing could separate them again if that was what they chose. Then a wild thought flickered through his mind and he lifted his head in alarm.

"But, I'm only here for the summer. How will—" a slender finger pressed against his lips and he was suddenly basking in the eclipsing warmth of his lover's smile.

"Then you can come with me," Allen drew nearer, eyes darkening, "anywhere…" and the words left unspoken hung between them like a bright globe of molten gold…

_as long as we are together, anywhere is home…_

_fin.  
_


End file.
